Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[lemonsnap]

Hopeful - I am going to mention it to our MC when we go today - we each have an individual session, so I will let her know. I'm not much of a pill taker, but I think I will investigate some alternative options at our local health store that I can try. Thanks for the suggestion.

Spellfire - I didn't make it very clear in my post. I tend to go to bed between 10-11:30pm, although the last week I've had problems falling asleep. Lots of tossing and turning, constant thoughts running through my head, etc. I think journaling/posting will help me, as it's an outlet for all those thoughts flying around my brain.

Thanks for the feedback.

[lemonsnap]

I've been trying to detach more from this whole mess. I am definitely a person who likes to be in control and to analyze and fix things.

It's a challenge for me to balance the DB techniques (detaching, not controlling, not "helping" too much) with the idea of being a supportive friend to my H during this time.

This past week, he's been actively looking for an apartment. He told the MC on Sunday that he is completely decided that he will move out. He feels that if he doesn't move out, things will worsen between us to a point that we can't even be friends. Of course, all of this is extremely difficult for me to hear/believe, given what I thought was a good relationship between us.

He's been talking with me about all the apartments. It's SO hard to listen to this, and I'm finding myself getting angry inside when he discusses them with me. He asks me for advice about them (he's not from the US so isn't very familiar with the process) and even asked me last night if I would help him (!!) look for an apartment for him. Talk about a stab in the heart.

I tried to maintain my composure (only half succeeded - I get overwhelmed and teary) and told him that it's HIS decision to move out of our apartment, and that HE needs to make the decision about where he lives. If I were to be involved, it would be the apartment that I helped him find, rather than his own independent place. (One of his big issues with our R is my tendency to make the decisions and for him to bow to my wishes in order to avoid conflict. He's mentioned how he feels like I picked out everything in the apartment and he doesn't like the furniture, etc. - even though I felt like we had picked things out together...) With that in mind, I don't feel right about helping him find an apartment.

Then I feel guilty that I'm not helping him like a friend might.

Help! Any thoughts?

Thanks...

[lemonsnap]

I had a brief email exchange with our MC in preparation for another session tonight (whew) and I told her about H's request for help looking for an apartment for himself.
She supported my reaction/decision NOT to help him find an apartment, as it's something he needs to do himself (I need to completely release myself from influencing this decision.)
It felt good to hear that I might have done something correctly!
Small victories...

[pearlharbr]

Hi lemonsnap,

Sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place. Sounds like you've been doing well so far and you've got some good people checking in on you.

I think you're doing the right thing by not helping him find an apartment. It is his decision to leave so he needs to do it on his own.

I struggled a lot with trying to be friend-ly to my xBF but that was a different sitch with OW involved. In the end, I realized that trying to do what was best for him was directly at odds with trying to do what was best for me. Ultimately I had to put myself first because no one else would.

My suggestion would be to follow Puppy's advice to try to do what is right in every situation. What do you feel is the right thing to do?

Regarding sleep issues: I agree with others about getting some help with this. Like many others when the bomb was first dropped I lost 15-20 lbs that I didn't have to lose and my already existing sleep problems worsened significantly. I did go to my doctor and got prescriptions for both a sleep aid and an anti-depressant. I decided not to take the AD, but the sleeping pills have helped get me back on track.

[lemonsnap]

Pearlharbr,
Thank you for your reply! I so appreciate hearing from others and getting more perspectives on all of this.

I waffle back and forth about letting H get his own place and wanting to help him. In the end, though, he's expressed his desire for independence, so what better way to give it to him? It just hurts to see him struggle - I want to help, but in the long run it won't benefit us. He has other friends he can lean on for help with an apartment search, so I'll leave it to him.

I'm making a pit stop at the local health store today to ask about sleeping aids. I'd like to try something natural, so I'll see what's available and give it a shot.

Thanks again, pearlharbr, for stopping in to comment.

[robx]

I've been trying to detach more from this whole mess. I am definitely a person who likes to be in control and to analyze and fix things.

It's a challenge for me to balance the DB techniques (detaching, not controlling, not "helping" too much) with the idea of being a supportive friend to my H during this time.

This past week, he's been actively looking for an apartment. He told the MC on Sunday that he is completely decided that he will move out. He feels that if he doesn't move out, things will worsen between us to a point that we can't even be friends. Of course, all of this is extremely difficult for me to hear/believe, given what I thought was a good relationship between us.

He's been talking with me about all the apartments. It's SO hard to listen to this, and I'm finding myself getting angry inside when he discusses them with me. He asks me for advice about them (he's not from the US so isn't very familiar with the process) and even asked me last night if I would help him (!!) look for an apartment for him. Talk about a stab in the heart.

I tried to maintain my composure (only half succeeded - I get overwhelmed and teary) and told him that it's HIS decision to move out of our apartment, and that HE needs to make the decision about where he lives. If I were to be involved, it would be the apartment that I helped him find, rather than his own independent place. (One of his big issues with our R is my tendency to make the decisions and for him to bow to my wishes in order to avoid conflict. He's mentioned how he feels like I picked out everything in the apartment and he doesn't like the furniture, etc. - even though I felt like we had picked things out together...) With that in mind, I don't feel right about helping him find an apartment.

Then I feel guilty that I'm not helping him like a friend might.

Help! Any thoughts?

Thanks...

Do not feel guilty.

This is his decision, let him make it, let him stand on his own two feet.

Be a friend and let him make his own choices.

If it makes you uncomfortable to talk about the apartments, be honest and just tell him you would rather not talk about it and if he presses further about why, just tell him because and leave it at that.

Allow him to make his own decisions & choices, allow him to be independant and allow yourself some freedom from having to worry about him - he isn't worrying about your feelings and needs so you can feel free to do the same.

It's a growth opportunity for you, use it to your advantage. ;-)

[Helpers]

Sorry to hear about you not sleeping. I've found it very tough to have a sense of normalcy too. Family says I've lost weight and look too thin, and I'm definently not sleeping enough (2 hrs last night). Just try to keep your PMA going and realize that some things are out of your hands. Your only choice is to have a good day tomorrow and if he wants to be a part of it all the better, but not the end of the world if he doesn't.

Our stories seem somewhat similar - married very shortly and spouse throwing in the towel. Very frustrating but we'll get through it.

[lemonsnap]

Aww, thanks, robx and helpers.
You guys know how to buoy someone's spirits.

robx - thanks for the straight talk. "Do not feel guilty"
I think I need to make a poster out of that for myself!

helpers - TOTALLY frustrating beyond all explanation. The timing (so soon after marriage) makes all kinds of questioning thoughts enter my head. Crack! Out they go. I'm trying to knock them out with my baseball bat.

We WILL get through it - whatever it takes.

[lemonsnap]

I think I am dying inside. We went to the MC tonight - each for an individual session. H went first, and then me. While H was talking with MC, I was thinking how proud I was of him for attending with me.

When it was my turn to meet, MC talked with me for a bit and gently let me know that H has NO intentions of working on our relationship or saving our marriage. He holds out NO hope for an improvement and is NOT interested in working to better it.

We married 6 months ago...

MC told me that she had so much hope for us before this session, that she knows that we could overcome our issues and be stronger together and better for the hardships that we've faced. However, since H isn't interested in this, there's going to be a lot less that she's able to do for our situation.

H asked MC to help me understand that he only wants a friendship and that he wants us to have a healthy, workable relationship together - as just friends.

While before I had understood that was the status quo at this time - that he needed to step back, separate for a bit and have some time to think, I didn't realize that his mind was made up. This is so final.

I told MC that I was not able to just give in and accept only a friendship with my H. I told her that I needed to try, to fight for our R. She agreed and said she would do the same thing in my situation, but warned me how hard it would be.

She says that he is basically suffering from PTSD and has withdrawn into himself- H says that 80% of this is due to the infidelity of mine in 2005. He is completely black and white on the issue - NOT interested in pursuing a relationship aside from a friendship.

Please - I need some help to get through this. All of my hopes, dreams and beliefs about our relationship and our future have imploded...

I know I will need to buck up and get on with things, but tonight I really am just shattered. Thanks for any support you can offer.

[lemonsnap]

I think one of the hardest things is knowing that we could get through this - together. The MC believes we could get through this. It's just H that doesn't believe we can get through it, and seems to want to just end it now.