WAW New life with OM

[ppenton]

Well, found out more information through a friend of W's. I was not passionate enough or growing fast enough as a parent to our teenagers and W thinks she has out grown me and does not want to ever come back. Even if the R with the OM blows up she does not want to come back. So, I wonder why she left me with the kids?

[lemonsnap]

Sounds like there are some seriously mixed messages there, which just go to show the confused state your W is in right now! Remember to take ALL of those words of hers with a hefty dose of salt.

Sounds like you have been given a wonderful opportunity to grow your relationship with your kids!

[SteveInTN]

There aren't any mixed messages, there is only ONE, and it is loud and clear. She can say anything that she wants to various people but the message she sent to her kids is the only one that matters. Let that crap go in one ear and out the other. It is useless drivvle that was uttered to help her try and save face with someone.

Just remember that... don't let it effect you in any way.

[ppenton]

I'm trying as its hard as you all know. I kept telling her last month that if she was unhappy why didn't she come to me and try to fix it before she started her A? She really couldn't or didn't want to answer that question. I know she is trying to save face with her friend as her friend is very upset with W moving in with OM and not giving me a chance. I told her friend that I'm working on myself and the kids!

[Phoenixdeux]

Agree with Steve,

Don't listen to that drivel. There is no point to talking to her friends. She's told you through her actions everything you need to know. She cares primarily about herself. She left her kids to be with OM. I know you feel you love her, but work hard to get in the mindset that she should be the one crawling through broken glass to get your back, not the other way around. As far as her reasons...that's all they are, justifications for cheating. She probably cares what her friends think of her. Should she want to come back, she'll change her tune about how terrible you are.

[ppenton]

Finished reading DR, need to review some steps again and now starting reading "Hold On To Your N.U.T.S" by Wayne Levine.

and of course trying my best not to listen to her excuses as they don't make much sense anyway. Thanks everyone!!

[PortlandDad]

Best of luck pp. You've taken the first steps, now put into practice what you learned in DR. Patience. Patience. patience. (Good advice, I wish I could practice it, too

[25yearsmlc]

PP,

good job reading the books and figuring out how to GAL. Here are a few things my DB coach said that were sometimes hard as heck to do, but helped in my sitch.

DB coach said to "keep the road home paved and smooth" so I suggest you not involve the entire world with the M issues. Come here to vent, talk to mc or a minister, etc. but don't tell everyone or she'll feel cornered and defensive and will spend time and energy justifying her actions, instead of listening to the tiny voice in her head that is saying, "wth are you doing?" Let that voice be heard and she won't hear it if she feels attacked. Her idiotic excuses to her friend are examples of her trying to quiet the conscience that is starting to nag at her...
GAL so if and when she does take a second look at you, she'll see that the excuses and rationalizations were just that; and her "data" about you isn't real. In fact, contrast the negative crap she's coming up with, with positive images that are the 180's. If she says you were never passionate, show passion about a cause or get super involved in the kids' lives which is a good thing anyway. You have some compensation to do for your kids b/c they are sooo hurt right now. NEVER FORGET THEIR PAIN no matter how much you feel yours...

And I think Puppy put some quote out here about not trying to understand the irrational. And not jumping for joy when the WAS is merely polite, but not to get depressed when they aren't warm and fuzzy. This is about YOU GAL for YOU and your kids....

Inducing guilt in her won't work and usually backfires --as I noticed my h would end up lashing out at me rather than facing what HE had done unilaterally. DB coach said not to worry about showing him the consequences of his actions as life would do that for him. It's not our job to do that anyhow. We have to move on and do our best for the kids and GAL, etc. ...and pleading and being needy and clingy don't work. And they are NOT attractive.

For the time you've been in this sitch, you are doing really well. A fast learner. Give it time. More time than you think you can. You will have to.

(( j ))

[runningoutoftime]

Just read through your thread.

You are really doing quite good and MY GOSH!!! She moved out of the house and YOU HAVE THE KIDS!!!! Yaaaay!!!! Whatever you do keep a journal about that and the amount of time she spends with them. Depending on your state's laws, If she does go for divorce you may be able to claim "abandonment" and have full custody. The good thing about this is it reduces the chance of them being around a potential child molester. I know that sounds a little paranoid, but it never hurts to be careful...

I'm also glad you packed up W's things for her. I did the same thing when my H moved out. I tried to present it as a something I was doing to be helpful and supportive (but really I was trying to make sure he left with lots of memories and that he would see me as kind and generous!). I put in extra things, silverware, blankets, towels, a little stack of photos of him and the kids, copies of family videos, etc... (Of course the best things I kept for me!).

I figured the more memories he had of home, and the kids, the better! Also, I wanted to come across as this great person. He had "rewritten history" so I wanted to make sure I cam across as generous, kind, and helpful. Not in a weak and manipulative way, but in a strong, happy, "let's all move forward" way.

Does she ever come to the house? You might want to change things around, make sure it's spotless (if possible with 3 guys! Yikes!!!), make it seem like an inviting comfortable place. If she mentions anything about changes, or how nice it is, you might want to say you plan to turn it into a "chick magnet!" Then say, "Just joking!!!" (even though you are NOT going to turn the place into a chick magnet, it never hurts for her to consider how other women might see it).

I hope you are going to the gym, working out, buying new, attractive and trendy clothes for yourself and doing some 180s for you.

Be kind, be a great listener, smile a lot and ACT HAPPY. The funny thing, when you act happy you eventually become happier.

Also, start doing more fun things with the kids. Plan family things every weekend that you know she'd be sorry to not be a part of. This will help you and your children connect further, and create some good bonding and healing with them.

I don't think you need to be "dark" yet, but you need to be busy. And happy!!! You need to create a home and life anyone would envy and want to be part of.

[ppenton]

This is all great and I was thinking instead of GAL it could be GANL (get a new life)! Yes, I have been changing things around the house and W has noticed and said it looks nice. I said thanks

Been walking a lot to help clear my head and get in some exercise. I love to bake and am looking into taking a class or two to learn more. I make really good chocolate chip cookies.....thin and chewy