well my wife has the kids for the rest of the week until sunday and I won't contact her, initiate any phone calls, emails, txt's, etc.
- she does seem to need to be around us when I have the kids and she gets emotional and the temper tantrums happen, etc.
- she also notices that I'm not needy and seem to have my life in order ("it seems so easy for you, none of this affects you, etc."). If I have to be honest, it has been much easier these past few months so if anyone is asking the question of whether or not any of this gets easier, it does eventually (it did for me anyways). Detaching and "going dark", limiting contact & communications, etc. works both for you & your spouse. When you limit the amount of time you spend thinking about them, pursuing them, etc. After a while you get used to them not being there (and i don't mean that in a mean or angry way, yes I still love my wife) and life really does go on. The effect is that you're not pursuing anymore, you allow a fair amount of noticeable space between you and the spouse that left you or wants to leave you, whereas before you were pressuring and pleading for them not to leave them. When they have you and don't want you, they're pushing you away and you're trying to pull them closer. When you get used to detaching and getting a life and finding your individuality again, you're no longer pulling them towards you, it is similar to you pushing them away (indirectly) and they feel the difference and for the most part they are drawn to you by sheer curiousity - "why aren't they pursuing me anymore, my ego was enjoying this feeling of power & authority, it felt good".
Does this work? Every situation is different and I can't say there is a guarantee for everyone because I can't say that there is a guarantee for me.
This morning she (my wife) called me after I dropped the kids off at school. I had already told her the previous night that she would be picking up the kids from school today at specific times. She called me this morning and said "good morning" in a pleasant tone(being nice to me, I haven't done anything for her and I didn't give her any gifts for valentine's day) asked what I was doing (driving to work today since you have the kids I will work from the office instead of home today), asked me if I had seen her mp3 player recently (why would i know where that is? - that wasn't my response just the thought in my head at the time), told me to drive safe and to have a good day at work (and I replied the same back to her) and I said bye first, she said it too and then I hung up, short & sweet, no questions, no asking her what she was going to do today on her day off because it wasn't my business and I didn't really need to know. I was polite without being overly interested in her affairs and what she was doing - she was very polite and nice to me during the phone call.
Detached, getting a life, being independant and going dark, it does seem to work in bringing them closer to you and having them gain interest in you. When you're not there everyday, not talking everyday, you have a certain mystery about you and they are inclined to wonder about you and ask questions. It also makes you more attractive to them because you aren't with them anymore and they can see that you're functioning just great without them instead of wallowing in self-pity.
