Thank you to everyone on the boards for helping me through this rough period. I've been looking for a month now and decided it was time to get more involved. Reading what everyone has described has given me a lot of strength when I need it most.
Background: W and I have been together 6 yrs. We broke up once during that period, got back together and married a year and a half ago. We were the typical "honeymoon" couple until this summer when we moved to a new city giving her a longer commute and increasing her stress level immensely.
The last four months of 2008 I was in school and placed a higher priority on grades than I did on W. It was your typical working too hard ignoring the wife syndrome. She responded by withdrawing and getting affection from people at work (one guy in particular).
I found out the extent of her unhappiness in early December and have been doing everything I could think of to fix the problem. Reading books, convincing her to see a counselor and encouraging her to turn towards me and away from things that drive us apart, as expected this has not helped immensely.
Last week we had a particularly bad argument and I screamed and swore on the phone with her. It was quite embarrassing. She apparently took a day off work after that and looked for an apartment. Currently she's been approved for the lease and is deciding whether or not to sign it.
Problem: I'm inferring from the DR book that I should at this point "go dark". My worry is that her chief concern about me was that I wasn't there for her and "going dark" would reinforce those beliefs. How do I effectively do a 180 without smothering her and causing her to withdrawal?
Any help and experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
My advice to you would vary depending on how involved you think she is with this other guy. If she's NOT being unfaithful, there's a whole lot more movement towards her that you can do. If she is, then you have to worry about condoning her waywardness.
Do you know?
Please share more details about how the convo went when she "shared the extent of her unhappiness in early December," and how you responded.
That's the thing about DBing, there is no "one size fits all".
Did she ever vocalize her dissatisfaction? What would her major complaints about you be?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I am fairly certain that they only kissed once and she considers it a mistake. She did go out with him behind my back but I think that stopped in late Dec. when I confront her about it. She does not, however, consider emails, texting, or phone calls to him inappropriate. I have noticed a lessening of contact between them outside of work within the past two weeks.
As for the convo - she expressed that she thought our relationship was over. I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Over the next two days I convinced her to give it four more weeks. And I tried to change everything that she had a problem with in our relationship (not spending time with friends, me studying upstairs away from her, not doing enough chores - it was a laundry list). The original four weeks has now turned into 8. I've since been working on each complaint but haven't seen the corresponding effort or recognition on her part. She claims that I haven't been trying and I attempt to list all the things that are different now than 3 months ago.
I know that I need to "show" her instead of "tell" her about the changes but I'm not sure how to proceed with the impending decision about her own apartment. Do I go dark, or should I call and text her?
Last edited by Helpers; 02/18/0909:48 PM.
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
It sounds like she's into hoop-jumping to me, and that perhaps some continued, perhaps even non-romantic contact with OM is still blocking her from being open to you emotionally. Maybe she still has feelings for him, but he broke it off? Hard to say without any good intel.
Our current situation right now is that she's working full time bringing in 60k a year and I'm a full time student bringing in 30k between loans and part-time job.
A second apt. is honestly not anywhere near affordable and under normal circumstances would be a punch line to a joke. Reasoning, though, is not quite working at the moment.
As for the OM, I've gathered that her residual contact with him makes her feel wanted and prevents her from recommitting to us. She's said that he still has feelings for her but she doesn't know if she's capable of having feelings for anyone at the moment.
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
I agree with Puppy. It sounds like she has a relationship or at least feelings for this OM and she wants to separate to pursue him free from you.
When my wife first dropped the bomb I did everything that you're doing. I addressed all of her complaints about the marriage and become a model husband. But it didn't make a dent in my W. She still moved out with a "too little, too late attitude." A couple months later I discovered that she had been having an affair the entire time.
When people are high on the affair drug it doesn't matter what you do. All they want is their fix, and nothing you say or do will make a difference. The only thing you can do is get some intel to see if she's cheating on you. Check her cell phone records, put a keylogger on her computer, check her email. Is this snooping? You bet. But you need to know if she's having an affair or not because it changes the way you approach this.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
Helpers, you and I are in a similar sitch. Both financially and in terms of our relationships.
I neglected my W this summer while I was immersed in this big work project that took over my life. I was working crazy hours and was exhausted whenever I wasn't working. Right as I was finishing the project is when my W started having an affair. I know the exact date when she started having her A, and that was exactly the same time she started withdrawing from me.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
This is a total sidebar, and I'll probably get blasted for this, but why is it when a man is BUSTING HIS ASS to provide for the family, and working long hours, he is said to be "neglecting" his wife?
I wonder if she liked the income you were providing.
Not saying this doesn't happen, but I'm guessing that this is just a smokescreen 75% of the time.
Helpers, you and I are in a similar sitch. Both financially and in terms of our relationships.
I neglected my W this summer while I was immersed in this big work project that took over my life. I was working crazy hours and was exhausted whenever I wasn't working. Right as I was finishing the project is when my W started having an affair. I know the exact date when she started having her A, and that was exactly the same time she started withdrawing from me.
It's so funny that you say this because I have the same feeling that I can pinpoint it to the day when this all turned on a dime.
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
