180 when your mistake was abandoning

[Helpers]

Hello everyone,

Thank you to everyone on the boards for helping me through this rough period. I've been looking for a month now and decided it was time to get more involved. Reading what everyone has described has given me a lot of strength when I need it most.

Background:
W and I have been together 6 yrs. We broke up once during that period, got back together and married a year and a half ago. We were the typical "honeymoon" couple until this summer when we moved to a new city giving her a longer commute and increasing her stress level immensely.

The last four months of 2008 I was in school and placed a higher priority on grades than I did on W. It was your typical working too hard ignoring the wife syndrome. She responded by withdrawing and getting affection from people at work (one guy in particular).

I found out the extent of her unhappiness in early December and have been doing everything I could think of to fix the problem. Reading books, convincing her to see a counselor and encouraging her to turn towards me and away from things that drive us apart, as expected this has not helped immensely.

Last week we had a particularly bad argument and I screamed and swore on the phone with her. It was quite embarrassing. She apparently took a day off work after that and looked for an apartment. Currently she's been approved for the lease and is deciding whether or not to sign it.

Problem:
I'm inferring from the DR book that I should at this point "go dark". My worry is that her chief concern about me was that I wasn't there for her and "going dark" would reinforce those beliefs. How do I effectively do a 180 without smothering her and causing her to withdrawal?

Any help and experiences would be greatly appreciated.