I'm becoming more and more convinced my pain and sadness isn't caused by losing a woman who is destructive to herself and to me, but to losing my family. To losing my dream. To losing time w/my darling little baby girl.
Rob, You've said it exactly...losing all those things is excruciating. I've been finding myself in this strange kind of hell today - just torn apart in my heart - and have just been sitting here telling myself that I have to feel it to let it go - that I have to process what is real in my heart - and let it pass - otherwise I will never heal. It just hurts like mad at the moment.
A few minutes ago I was talking with my friend, and told her that I was surprised to wake today and go through some things and find myself missing B...I have to say that I actually hadn't missed her for the last few months...she had become so dark and negative and harmful that all that would come to mind with her absence was this sense of relief - so today this sense of missing her just left me dumbfounded....It felt awkward to bring it up with my friend, but she's been a remarkable person as I've navigated my pain - and I just felt like I had to be open and honest even about that emotion.
And so I've wondered today about what I miss...do I miss her friendship? Yes...I miss the joy she was capable of sharing with me...do I miss her laughter? Yes...I miss the playfulness...and yet underlying all of this are the memories of what things would get like when we weren't laughing or enjoying ourselves on her terms - and how resentful and angry she could become...and that I don't miss at all...am I just going through the process of mourning? I guess so...that's certainly how it feels...like something is breathing its last breaths...and it is so very sad to be a part of this death.
