So now I'm sort of in a weird place. For the first time ever, I have no idea what to do, where to go, how to handle anything. It actually feels sort of nice!
Spiritually: I've been really working on "listening" - I want to have a dialogue not a monologue. I think a lot of the times we beg and plead with God, and just don't listen. It's hard for me to just shut up and listen, but I really want appropriate direction.
Marriage - March 1st is my self-imposed dark guideline. I think that W is open to conversations as she has initiated several, and has been very friendly. It also appears things are either slowing down or changing with OM - it honestly appears that they are going from romantic interest to friendly interest - seems like reality is setting in with the distance, marriages, kids, etc. Very odd - which makes me wonder if there's an opportunity? But then again, I don't know this, and I don't want to spend anytime wondering about it. As I posted elsewhere, specific changes are required. I know she's seen the changes in me!
What I'm wondering is if the dark should continue after March 1st, but not press divorce. I honestly am not waffling because I'm feeling all weepy - I just don't know what is right. I do know that W said she didn't mind being separated prior to OM - she said she couldn't file divorce until she got her nursing degree because she said she didn't have the money. So am I "enabling" if I stand by and let her get her degree? The positive is that I would pay zero alimony and VERY little child support - while keeping house, etc.
Quite honestly, I don't have enough data to make a decision at this point. I also committed this week to "listening" - so I'm going to keep at it!
Anyway, just odd ramblings. I will never shut off W completely until the ink dries, but I'm not willing to compromise my beliefs, my kids' stability/safety, and so on.
So, a weird place to be in - just not having a clue what to do, how to act, where to go.
