Married for 11 years, together for 14, my h began to change in 2006. He had always been very active in sports but started taking it to a higher level, golfing all spring, summer and fall while I took care of the house (no kids)and playing hockey every Friday and Sunday all fall and winter. He also snowboards most Saturdays through the winter. When I complained he told me I should find my own interests so that I wouldn't be pissed off at him. A couple of times I was at the end of my rope and suggested we split but he always insisted that he loved me, wanted to me married to me, and would do better. He never did.
After quitting smoking (01) and drinking (02/03) because of a promotion that required him to be in early and alert, he started both again and hid the smoking from me. Initially I thought the drinking was just because he wanted to fit in better with his colleagues who go out a lot with clients, as well as the guys he plays hockey and golf with. I didn't find out about the smoking until late 07.
His outside activities started to get out of hand with him staying out until 3:30 in the morning on Friday nights and often that late during the week. He would wake me up coming in and had no regard for the fact that I had to get up for work in the morning or that I was worried about him. I felt like I had a 21 year old roommate.
He completely closed himself off emotionally though he has always been emotionally distant anyway due to childhood issues. He was molested by his father (as were all the children), although he does not remember anything, and his mother was aware of it.
We discussed divorce at the beginning of 08 and for the first time he agreed but then after some discussion we decided to go to counselling. We went for a few sessions but it was a disaster because he made it look like he rarely went out and told the C that I never got over the death of my brother in 99 and that was the reason I was unhappy. Regardless, I still tried to save the marriage and whenever I asked him, he told me we made the right decision and that he was happy and loved me. We bought furniture for our new home and were discussing retirement plans (not really close to retirement though).
His behaviour started to revert to late nights during the week again in mid-May and on Jun 2 I told him that we were through after he came home late and said "I'm confused and don't know what I want." It appeared he couldn't say he wanted a divorce so he just continued to treat me badly until I had no choice but to end the marriage. He even called me the next morning to ask if we were now separated and seemed upset.
Whenever he came to the house his mood was different, he would say: I wanted to enjoy my life but still be married to you, I can't see staying married; I didn't think I could live without you; i am afraid I am going to regret this in a few months or years; I don't understand what happened, we were so good together; we were so happy last summer; we have a great relationship; i fell out of love with you a year and a half ago; we don't work; we grew apart; I am looking forward to new relationships; it will be exciting after 14 years with the same person; we have different interests; i want to see what i can accomplish without you; the last two weeks together, i was miserable; i am happy without you; i want to golf guilt free, i want to play hockey four times a week; i am having a good time with my hockey buddies; i could never talk to you because you are so judgemental; i didn't think you were really unhappy - just pissed off; i was so bored; you buried me - never letting me do the things I wanted to do. He even said once that he thinks he is having a MLC but when I asked him if he read about it he said no, but figures he is textbook.
When I wanted to talk about "us" he would bolt out the door. Told me that he can't talk to me because his emotions are blocked. Usually answered "I don't know" to any questions. He never wanted to talk to me on the phone and didn't assist me at all with the sale of the house.
After our separation I discovered that during our so-called attempt at saving our marriage he was spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars getting lap dances after hockey on Fridays (which I found out in Aug 08) as well as having an physical affair with a woman he claims he met in a coffee shop in Dec 07 (which I found out Jan 09). He says he wasn't looking for an affair, didn't plan an affair, but it happens to couples all the time and they had a "real connection."
I had found out in November that he was living with someone (same woman) but he told me that he met her in July and moved in with her at the end of Sept. When I asked him how he could do that he told me that he is really really happy and that she is a lot of fun. Told me that everything was f**ked up and he doesn't want to talk about it. When I pressed, he refused to elaborate. Told me that he didn't think about me when he moved in with her because I am no longer part of his life. Then he told me that he couldn't stand sex with me (when we were working on our marriage) and that he only felt trapped. Told me that I am so cold he could not tell me the marriage was over.
When I had proof that the relationship started before our separation and called to confront him, he told me that he didn't leave because he wanted our marriage to work. Then he told me that he told OW that he would leave me. Then he told me that he wished he had ended the marriage years ago. Told me that he doesn't miss me or our relationship. Told me that he told his family that he started "dating" her in Dec 07 and they support him and do not judge him because he is so happy.
So now I am almost at 9 months separation and the divorce should be final by end of April. I filed on the grounds of Adultery and he has admitted so I don't have to wait the full year.
My question for you veterans is:
Is this a MLC or does he just not want to be married to me anymore?
My reasons for wondering are that he has made no attempt to contact me since we finalized the separation agreement in Jan and he rarely contacted me before that. If he is depressed or confused or whatever, why would he move in with someone right away? Is it possible that he really is just happy and I am wasting my time thinking about him. He has certainly said very out of character and horrible things to me but I am not sure about the anger referred to in the stages of MLC.
I don't feel like our marriage is fixable and am trying to get on with my life but want answers so that I can put this behind me. I still love him but I don't think I can get over the pain.
