Update: I had to go to D school yesterday to conference about her acedemics. She was diagnosed with ADD a year ago and we tried meds, I was not comfortable, so stopped. Behavior mods not working, so reeval and diagnosis commencing again and another trial to see what meds might work. I call stbx and let tell him about what is going on with D. We talk and I promise to keep him updated. I go to the bookstore to get some books on ADHD alternatives and drugs when H calls and asks me to go with him to a DRs appt in a town about 45 mins away. Another eval for PTSD for VA benefits. I agree to go and meet him at his home and we drive to the dr. We just conversate about nothing. He goes in, comes out an hour later. We drive back and he starts to ask me if we could do something as a family Friday, as it is S 1st birthday. I say that should be ok. Then he asks if we could all go to the zoo on Sat. I say I have plans. He talks about maybe when the weather warms up, we could all go fishing on the boat. I make an excuse that he never just lets me fish on the boat. He asks me again about going to Cali in April. I said that I was not sure about going and I will think about letting S go with him.
When we get to his house, he says "I got some movies maybe you and the kids can come over tonight" I say it is a school night and thank you, but no thanks. He says, "well it's ok, I can just make sure everyone gets up early in the morning so you can get to work, D can get to school and I will spend morn with Bubba and bring him to daycare later."
WTF?
"No thanks, it is a school night and it would be very inconvenient for us to do that." He invites me into his house, but I say I have to go, I have an appt. He asks what for, I tell him it's personal and I will talk to him later. This of course drives him nuts that I won't tell him what the appt is for (its to see an IC) so I make up that I am going to get a massage. He says "no it's not, just tell me..."
I take off with a wave as he thanks me for going with him to drs. (He looks so sad when I leave)
I see the IC and do and assesment. I like her, I think she can help me and hopefully next week we can do some work.
H called while I was at appt and left a message to ask me how my mysterious appt went. I call a few hours later and he presses me more about it, and I ignore it, joke about how I saw a palm reader. We laugh. He asks again for me and the kids to come over and spend the night. He says he would like to have us there so he could get a decent night's sleep for the first time in a long time. Particularly that he wants to sleep in the same bed as me.
I don't berate him or get impatient him, I gently tell him that it is a school night and that it would be inconvenient for us all to go across town to his house when we are here, the school is across the street and the daycare is a street over. I say, maybe another time.
He sighs, says ok. I tell him to have a good night.
I am not torn over these recent events. I know where I have to go. I know there will be no real changes on his part until he is willng to look within and do some work on his own. I feel a little sorry for him, and I won't lie, I thought last night as I was lying in bed alone, how nice it would have been to feel his arms wrapped around me and his breath on my neck...
But I am jsut not willing to get sucked into this. I feel so much better now that I have made up my mind. I think I getting stonger now that I chose to stop fighting for my M and stand up for me. I can be nice to him without wanting to return to the situation.
Still miss him though. That will be the hard part, to not miss him so damn much.
