I've Come Full Circle 24

[Vdad]

I was married to this jerk????!!!

kat

No. This is who he has grown into. Hopefully he will grow out of it.

If you can, let it go. It's HIS relationship he is destroying w/kids. Be the example of grace and integrity and give them a role model to look up to. They will. I've seen it happen. My wife did this when it was killing her. She is now reaping the rewards of a wonderful relationship with her daughter.

It's hard but it's worth it. They need you to be the bigger person cause' Dad's in a way bad place in this moment in his life.

V

Kat,

He seems to be transferring a lot of guilt he is feeling about what he is doing to you through the kids. I was this guy in the past. Everything he is doing and saying points to this. Agression is the go-to place to avoid the conviction he is feeling. It's a place of power and avoidance of guilt.

Disarm it by not responding. Guess where it will eventually get transferred to if your not available to battle with?


Don't be his sparring partner. It will go to OW eventually.

V

[kat727]

He was never like this before. He was a fairly decent guy.(Except for finding out that he was probably cheating on me most of the time). We rarely fought but at the same time he never stepped up when there were things broken around the house. He never wanted to learn. Still doesn't care to. Something was broken he chose to replace it. Sounds like that is what he did with our marriage huh?

I have been so good for the most part. I know I am in a better place. I am being the best single parent that I can be. He calls himself a single parent too and does the woe is me, I have to give all my money to you so I can't do anything. I just agree and say well those are the choices you made.

I told him that I won't be helping him from the sidelines anymore. He said well obviously it wasn't helping anyway. So he won't miss any help I have given.

I just want to get this out so that I can be ok tonight for the kids. Am I doing the right thing by not forcing S16 to go to his Dad's?

kat

[whatdidido]

YOu need the venting, and I'm glad you came here. You have every reason to be angry.

You can't FORCE a 16 year old to go to his father's house. I would think that your responsibility would be to remind him that he is his dad and wants to see him and have him in his life. That, no matter what, he is his dad. That, if he has problems with him, he should talk to him. The rest of the talking needs to be his dad doing it. Your son is angry, and he should be. Perhaps you could mention to your ex that he should get a counselor for him and his son to repair the relationship (which is what he should have done with you, Kat). Do you think he would do the right thing with his son at least?

[Vdad]

Am I doing the right thing by not forcing S16 to go to his Dad's?

kat

Kat,

Yes!

He is at the age of choice. If he choses not to go than he shouldn't be forced. This is between him and his Dad. It's THEIR relationship which Dad is causing huge damage to now.

Support your son, listen to him. By the way there isn't a judge out there that wouldn't ask a 16 year what he wants if it came to that. Your H will regret this one day, unless he refuses to EVER look inward. A 1000 OW's won't fix his anger and depression. Just cover it up.

My .02 cents... Sorry for the rant but I've lived this. It can turn around with H and S16 but the H is going to have to come around.

V

[kat727]

Those are the kinds of things I have been saying. to hear S16 that he doesn't miss his Dad and doesn't want anything to do with him about breaks my heart.

I see the damage ex is doing and it truly is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. He thinks because he tells the kids that they don't have to hide anything from me that he isn't hurting anyone. I guess we can all agree that he is an idiot and a mess.

I want to stop caring about what he does but then he keeps being stupid about the kids. I will be better off when I can figure out another way to get everyone where they need to be and not have to count on him. Then I won't have to see him every week day.

I also don't agree with his single parent comment. One night a week for 3 or 4 hours and every other weekend doesn't make you a single parent in my book. If he really was interested in seeing them more, he could ask me and arrange one on one time but he never can be bothered with that kind of thing.

kat

[whatdidido]

He's clueless about many things. It seems he made selfish choices, and continues to do that. Until he sees the error of his ways, he will continue. There's nothing you can do that you are not already doing.

Just keep being a great mom, and wonderful person. You are doing the right thing.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with his selfishness and see the pain and hurt he is causing his children. I would be feeling the same as you.

(((((kat))))))))))

[kat727]

See even after almost 7 mths of divorce, I still have to deal with his stuff!! It isn't going to end, I know that. He just thinks everything should be nice and tidy since we aren't married anymore. He thinks communication should be a breeze!

I don't know if most divorces in our situation go through this but I hope not. If we didn't have kids I wouldn't have to see him or tell him anything about my life but we do have them and it seems that he is hell bent on keeping the course and make everyone else have to pay.

I am glad that you guys are here to help me but certainly not because you are going through similiar stuff. You know what I mean.

kat

[karen43]

See even after almost 7 mths of divorce, I still have to deal with his stuff!! It isn't going to end, I know that. He just thinks everything should be nice and tidy since we aren't married anymore. He thinks communication should be a breeze!


kat

Yep, you know Mike thinks that everything is going to be perfect after the D too. WTH? And if not, I guess they blame us. They don't want to look at anything that might possible be their fault????

Re: his comments on your parenting, my opinion is that it's so easy to criticize when you are parenting 1/2 a day or one day a week!!! If the situation was reversed, and he was parenting 6 days a week, do you think he would be the perfect dad? Let's face it he messes up the one day or whatever he has them (and I'm re: to the skank being invited to family dinner)! And I have a hard time with 2 kids, you have four!!! Sometimes I think it would be good for them to have the majority of parenting, like switch roles with us, and let them see how hard it is! I think our H's would last what a week max if that! But the truth is your X doesn't want to do the majority of the parenting, b/c he hasn't stepped up to that, and I think deep down inside he knows that you are the better parent!!!

I also think sometimes the venting they do is their way of relieving stress or guilt they have. Like I think H got the nasty letter from my L monday so then he vents about my D9's glasses. He can't really say anything about the fact he threatened me, but he feels he can witch about the glasses, even though it's really the L he's upset about. So I bet your X is having some stress over something and then takes it out on you too.

Yeah, your H is a train wreck. But I think kids can realize that and maybe use him as a role model of how not to be. I mean my dad was a great guy but had a few #s, and I try to not do those things and just kind of copy the good stuff. Your kids are smart enough to do that too. They'll realize you're the positive role model in their life. Karen

[Babygirl]

hey girlie, wish you lived closer, today would have been a great day to have you around here.

YES you are doing the right thing. and honestly, we both have 16 yos, its hard to force them to do anything!
hugs and love

[kat727]

yep, we could have both been griping together!! I know misery loves company. I just called home to talk to S16 and ex was there. He brought d8 home from his house since she had gotten sick at school. He took her to the eye doctors and she needs glasses. Oh the joy never ends.

Oh and in his e-mail today he said his parents invited her and that it wasn't the first time they had met her. So why was former MIL acting weird...guilt perhaps. Not my problem.

I feel much better now that I have vented. Funny how people seem to know when you really need them becuse you guys just showed up!

kat