You situation is EXACTLY like mine. It is really sort of creepy. Except that my wife never told me to go out and get a mistress. It is a tough situation to be in for sure. You should get one thing straight though about your comment:
"I guess it makes sense that I would seem like a complete jerk when wanting her so bad and insisting that sex is good and necessary for a healthy relationship."
I feel like there may be a little sarcasm but I'm not sure. Anyway, if anyone thinks you are a complete jerk for thinking this then they are sadly mistaken. Sex IS important (every bit as important as letting her cry on your shoulder when she is freaking out about whatever) but the bigger picture is that there are only two requirements for a healthy relationship:
1. You and your spouse are helping each other meet their needs. 2. You and your spouse are helping each other meet their needs.
These two things are what make relationships so tricky....everyone is different and everyone has different needs. Obviously, your needs are not being met. Perhaps some of hers are not too, but it is up to her and ONLY her to tell you about them. If one partner is not clear about expressing that their needs are not being met, or, if one partner is not willing to do what it takes to meet their partner's unmet need, then the relationship will surely fail...it is just a matter of time....and masochism (and even though this is of little consequence when you get divorced, it won't be your fault as long as you were honest and expressed your needs openly and clearly).
People like us (people in relationships that are completely unbalanced in the "favor" of their spouse) are being abused...just as surely as if your spouse were to walk up and kick you in the junk everyday (I don't know about you but I would actually prefer this to what is happening now). Additionally, you are abusing yourself by staying in and subjecting yourself to it. If you have kids then I can understand putting up with a little grief for their sake, in which case you should take your wife's advice and go get yourself a girlfriend (probably several so you don't get too attached to any one of them). That way you can keep the peace around your house until the kids are gone. Otherwise, you will stick around for the abuse until you are damn sick of it and you will not only end up hating your wife, you will hate yourself for wasting so much time. This ain't no dress rehearsal dude! You only got one shot at it and trust me, when you are on your death-bed, I can guarantee that you will not be thankful that you allowed yourself to be abused all those years for the sake of love. Like the cheesy old song says...."Sometimes, love just ain't enough."
It's only been a year that I have been dealing with this and I have a little bit more abuse I can take before I start feeling like I am compromising myself. I'm just hanging around to see what happens next and I can almost feel the sand running out of my marriage hour-glass. It is sad, desperately sad, but there is nothing else I can do except communicate and hold out as long as I can and hope she gets it together before it is too late. I love my wife but I'm not willing to be subjected to abuse of any kind over the long haul, and there is no way in hell that I am going to be having kids, buying a house, or even getting a goldfish, until either this stuff is worked out or I am with someone who actually respects my needs and is as willing to help me meet my needs as I am willing to help her meet hers.
