I am not so sure about letting my wife know that I’m seeking professional help for my frustrations. She definitely knows how frustrated I am. I have written her several carefully, honestly and lovingly (not sexy) crafted letters. She has every clue about how much I am hurting. It is just beyond her to deal with it. She simply responded that she already knew all that stuff about how I was feeling and to stop telling her, there was nothing she could do about it. She says she absolutely can not force herself to do anything sexual, that it woud be along the lines of self-rape. She won’t even help me out with a HJ anymore, I can’t even look at her when she gets out of the shower (at least not directly!--the spy hole in the newspaper trick! ) The last bastions of hope are erroding!
She feels bad that she can not give me what I need and has several times suggested, without sarcasm or anger, that I find a misstress to help me out with “those needs”. I believe her when she tells me that she wants me to be happy even if it means I get my passion somewhere else. I have no doubt, however, that if I did such a drastic move that it would be the beginning of the end for us. Whenever I have even attempted to discuss (in a completely calm and non pressuring conversation) my pain, she has been unable or unwilling to handle it. I can not even bring it up. If she really knew how much pain I am going through I believe there it is likely she would leave me, thinking that she is hurting me and the only possible solution is to set me free. I can’t understand why seeking counselling and medical help would not be an easier and obvious first step before “setting me free” to seek happiness elsewhere. This all seems so bizarre to me.
Honestly, I’m not just interested in getting the physical release (I won’t deny that I need that too!) but I have so much passion and deep love to share with her. She really doesn’t have any idea how much she is missing. I am capable of giving a lot (not just talking about multiple times during a long evening!).
Although a long time ago we discussed the issue of possible past sexual abuse in her life. She said she honestly did not go through anything like that. I am beginning to reconsider this. I’ve no doubt that she doesn’t have any memory of any abuse. She also doesn’t have ANY memories of early childhood, something I find rather suspicious since I remember things that happened to me when I was 3 or even younger. All of her behaviour/attitude about sex makes absolutely no sense unless you consider the possibility of hormonal imbalance or early sexual abuse then it makes perfect sense. I may be wrong about this but the symptoms definitely are pointing towards that. This is not just a case of “differences of experiencing desire”.
I can see how both a possible hormone deficiency and possible sexual (at least emotional) abuse together are fatal for libidos. There are definitely other issues of abandonment and poor relationship role models from early on. Her father left the family when she was 5 or 6, although she continued to have a disjointed relationship with him. Her mother is very open about her dislike for sex and never had another relationship with a man.
So what does all this add up to? I guess it makes sense that I would seem like a complete jerk when wanting her so bad and insisting that sex is good and necessary for a healthy relationship. I have always just wanted her to get through any issues that may be holding her back, I want her to enjoy romance and intimacy with me. If it was just sex I needed I could get it right and left; plenty of women would gladly take me. I don’t want to go that way. I can not force her to love me with the passion that I need. I can not force her to get help or to face her past and overcome it. She must decide that I am worth putting effort into. I have given the most nurturing and sensitive environment that I could. Obviously, it hasn’t been enough.
I think I have to get strong on my own, without her knowing about it, in order to have the fortitude to get through it. I can not drag her along this path with me. I do not want to lose her, I love her dearly but I don’t think I can survive the pain of not having a relationship with the woman I love. Ironic, no?
What is samE? SJW? Sounds like a pair of gangsta rap stars.
) The last bastions of hope are erroding!
