Ok, sorry I went bouncing around all over the place, I was not in a decent frame of mind. I am feeling a little better some of the time and crappy some of the time.
I have been able to pull it all together so here are my responses:
No doctor. I called to make an appointment and he was ironically on vacation. I at least got a chuckle of irony. He should be back this week. Been taking ST John wort everyday for stress, not sure if it is working.
Been looking for a therapist but I don’t know anybody that is going (a recommendation from a friend would be helpful). It seem out of range for me to afford ($50-125/session). I’m not sure if there are inexpensive therapists, other than churchy councellors (did that a long time ago--shudder!!).
I did buy the book but haven’t had a chance to read it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable reading it in my wife’s presence so that makes it difficult as I only have an hour or 2 of “free time” before lights out. It is smaller than I was expecting so I am planning to read it between taking the kid to school, practices, whatever. I may just go towards work an hour early in the morn and read it at the coffeeshop.
I know that I need to make a huge lifestyle change. Or many small changes within an overall new direction. I know this but it is just so difficult when I am feeling so overwhelmed. It is the chicken and egg deal. I know I need to kick my asss in gear and get back in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally. I have made so many attempts at fresh starts, sincerely making the effort only to get sidetracked by work problems or home problems. A lot of my inability to handle the home frustration is compounded by career questions and difficulties. There are some big changes that I know would help me there but I can’t go that way because of the hardship my family would have to deal with.
I came to the conclusion that I need choice #2, last week but feel so overwhelmed by this daunting task. Unfortunately, instead of going berserk and getting pissed and taking action when I’m frustrated or depressed, I shut down, go into hibernation mode, become paralyzed. One thing is for certain, if I do begin concentrating my energies on myself, my family will not be getting as much from me. I spend most of my non work time taking care of family stuff: kid to school, fixing up the house, etc. In spite of the fact that my wife in not inclined to romance she seems to enjoy spending time with me, as long as I don’t get frisky.
Here is my first post, which I describe my sitch which might be helpful for you to understand. Maybe you’ve already read it.
Here’s a few basics:
Lontime horndog 36 yrs old, wife is 34 been married around 15 yrs wife got pregnant a week after getting married (surprise!) 1 awesome son romance/sex problems since the wedding night, overall getting worse over time, with a few short cycles of positive sex (3-4 times/month for 3-6 months, reasonable interest on her part) vasectomy last year
FIRST POST: I wrote it after reading Sooner's story which struck such a powerful chord in me that I decided to sign up with this forum. I'm dying inside, my longing for a passionate love affair with my wife is tearing me apart. It's insane to have to fantasize about your own spouse instead of acting on those thoughts. Anyway, any ideas from y'all will be really appreciated. I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm shaking and freaking out after reading your story, Sooner1992, because it is almost as if I had written it. So many of the details are my experience as well. I totally feel for you and in some wrong oblique way it is comforting to know that there are others who are dealing with the frustrations that have been tearing me apart from the inside out. I'm almost in a panic to respond to everything that has been said in many of these messages. I want to cry but I can't, I can only feel utterly profound sadness eating away at my heart. There are people that have worse situations than me, including you, Sooner. My story has a few perplexing twists to it, which I'll try to express.
First, let me apologize ahead of time for my attitude, I’m just so frustrated.
Currently on average we have sex 1.23567 times per month and it's pretty decent about half the time, but then when you're starving anything seems wonderful. Still, for me it is overwhelming and it is affecting the rest of my life. I now deal with bouts of depression, self doubt, panic attacks, listlessness, fatigue, anxiety, inability to perform at work, sleeplessness, high blood pressure...the ugly list goes on. Some days I actually get chest pain and feel lightheaded and dizzy when I get the rejection or get caught in the downward spiral of contemplating the problem.
I'm a kind sensitive guy (gaining an ugly edge of cynicism and sarcasm) with average looks, weight and build in his mid 30's. My wife is a few years younger than me and the sexiest creature on the earth. I absolutely adore her. I still feel as passionately about her as I did almost 15 years ago when we married. She has a body that most women would die to have (and men, but in a different way!) She works out a few times a week and dresses very stylishly, but not overly done. She's funny, intelligent, well-educated, thoughtful and sweet. Frankly, I get aroused when she walks into the room or just hearing her voice on the phone. In her viewpoint this makes me a pervert and overly sexual person. Unfortunately, her sexual spark for me faded very quickly, probably due to getting pregnant with our son a week after getting married. We never got to be a couple before we were a family. I think this was the beginning of the trouble. Before we got married we had a wild sex life. We would make love for hours. It's hard to imagine the effort we would go to just to make love. Now it's an occasional fairly quick event, more of something she does just when her chemistry is working (once a month, basically) or to satisfy my begging. The in between is incredibly painful and makes the month drag. Sometimes 2-3 months will pass without any intimacy. I go insane!!
I totally understood the "Ferrari" analogy. Since we are talking about starvation on this site mine might appropriate: that you've been invited to live and banquet with the king so you sell all of your possessions and burn every bridge behind you. There's no going back. When you get to the castle the king doesn't give you any food for months or a scrap here and there but makes you sit at his table every night and watch the royalty gorging themselves on an incredible feast. If you complain he throws you in the dungeon for a few days to sober you up. When you're finally broken he lets you come back to the table and if you're really behaving well you can crawl under the table and eat whatever has fallen between the cracks. You're no longer allowed to leave the castle and no one is allowed to give you anything on the side. This cycle continues for a decade and a half.
So far it sounds pretty much like what a lot of others have talked about on this site. Here's the frustrating twist. My wife thinks I'm a great person and a dear friend. She can't imagine being with any other man and we tell each other that we love each other at least everyday. I'm hopelessly romantic and used to shower her with praises and compliments until she started getting more irritated at me for telling her how gorgeous she is and how much I desire her. We like a lot of the same things and laugh and joke quite a bit. We go out for lunch every week and a dinner and movie or a play most weekends. We’re both pretty busy with professional careers but isn’t everybody? I’m getting so tired of hearing that she’s had a stressful day so she’s not in the mood. Life is stressful and tiring, people still have a sex life! She rarely wants to kiss me and not passionately. It’s not that I don’t enjoy a peck on the cheek; it’s just that I need a lot more. She likes to hug, which is both delicious and excruciating at the same time since I’m dying for it to lead to more later on. She likes to have me caress her in a non-sexual way, which kills me (refer to the feast analogy!), she likes to spoon and practically sleeps half on top of me. How can a man have a woman that he’s extremely in love with and attracted to touching him and not get aroused? I’m going out of my mind! As soon as I initiate I get flat out rejection and then a nasty mood to tip toe around for a while. If I bring it up (gently and sensitively, of course) to discuss my sexual frustration she gets irritated and angry. She says I’ve just got to deal with it or find someone else. I don’t understand this. I know she really doesn’t want me to leave her and I definitely don’t want someone else, I just want her, I want to see that flame of desire return to her eyes. The key to a man’s heart is make him feel desired.
I’ve tried getting her to take aphrodisiacs, no way. She won’t consider therapy because from her perspective there’s nothing wrong. She believes that I am over sexual and need to masturbate (I actually have a difficult time being interested enough in just an orgasm to masturbate) or read poetry to deal with my frustration. In her viewpoint, the only problem is the fact that I am always after her. After a week or two of keeping my desire to myself. I can’t even look at her with horny eyes” or make any colorfully flirty comments. Long walks in the park do nothing but make me ache for her. It’s less painful not to be around her than it is to be exposed to her lovely
I believe that all these years of repressing my desires are causing emotional and even physical damage. Sometimes I go to sleep with my testicles in pain from having such an perpetual erection and no relief. I feel like I am wasting my youthful passion and exuberance. This problem in the bed is leaking over into all the areas of my life: I’m becoming tense, short-tempered with everyone, neurotic. In another decade I probably won’t enjoy sex that much either (although, I honestly can’t imagine what that must be like). It’s not sex that I’m after as much as deep intimacy (through sexual/sensual contact).
Basically, she’s not even interested in being interested. If I bring it up she gets negatively emotional and says that I’m only with her for the sex (What sex!?) and that if I’m not happy with her I should find someone else. I know that’s not really what she wants. It doesn’t matter if we go on vacation (even worse since my sexuality perks way up when we go on vacation) or I clean the house or take care of the kid (I take care of him more often) or having a romantic dinner ready for her or offer a massage or buy her a dress.
There is not one single connection I can make between anything I do and the rare event that she becomes interested in me. This leads to me to believe that the problem begins simply with an hormonal imbalance, a subject that I haven’t seen many people talking about on this web site so far. Whether the low-libido spouse is a man or woman I think they need to begin by having a thorough hormone test to see if anything is off. It is sad to think how many relationships have disintegrated or at least been aggravated due to a simple chemical that they have too much of or not enough of. I have a friend that is one of the kindest guys you could meet that lost his marriage to early menopause, a condition that few people know about but that I suspect is culprit in destroying many women’s libidos. As for the men with low libidos...I can not comprehend your experience. The only time my libido goes down is when I get my sexual approaches trampled on. Even if I’m sick I know one thing that would cheer me up!
Anyway, I’ve gone on and on about my problems. Sorry if I’ve bored y’all. What can I do? I think about all I can do is get therapy for myself to learn low libido spouse survival techniques. Any ideas out there? I am going crazy.
Sincerely,
AchingMan in Texas
BTW, I screwed up this weekend by asking for you know what while laying in bed in the morning. At first I got a “soft NO” (translates: “no way, but I’m not horribly offended by your request, just don’t ask again for a long time.”) but we continued to discuss a few elements about the differences in a reasonably relaxed manner. I was thinking “Great! at least we’re talking about it!” It didn’t last very long before it went sour and she slammed out of the room. I got up, went to Home Depot to buy some stuff she had requested I work on. I didn’t put on a big show, jsut got up, made my list, took some measurements and left. When I got back I acted as if nothing had happened and she did too. I was definitely less affectionate than I usually am. I restrained myself from appologizing and gushing over her how much I loved her. That seems to backfire. Anyway, everything seems normal since. She even held my hand that evening at dinner (not uncommon for us).
I guess I’m glad your back from vacation, in a masochistic kind of way!
Seriously, it’s great that things are positive for your sitch right now. Keep up the momentum you gained while on vacation.
