36 today, this may just be MY year !

[missmyfriend]

I certainly hope that I was not preaching. If I was, it was probably more to myself than anyone else.

When it comes to love, I have not been successful. But I do care about my friends and hope that you and others do have a "happily ever after".

I know how you feel when you say that you are struggling to know what God wants for you. I do too. In my heart, I feel it is my marriage (former marriage?), and it appears very dead. My (ex)W does not give any sign that it could be revived. Of course, I hear stories about dead marriages that are restored and the couple is thankful that it was. I just don't know if that will happen for me someday.

What I am trying to do, is to get to the point where I don't worry about it. And that is so very hard to do. If I can get to that point, where I am happy with what I have -- my children, my extended family, my faith -- anything else will be a bonus.

The past couple of months, I found myself wanting to feel loved by someone else other than family. I wanted the feeling of a special relationship that I was missing since before my W left. A oneness. Does that make sense?

I began to realize that I would be searching for the wrong thing. I would be looking for a way to recapture what I had lost. I wanted to be the one for someone and to have that feeling of closeness.

I think that what I am trying to do is to remove the pain that is still in me, even though I thought I was fine. I have this loss of what I had and what we were supposed to have together for the rest of our days here on earth. And then I started wondering, if I found someone else, would it be real or would it be a replacement for what I had lost.

I have read scripture that seems like a Catch-22. In order to be given a gift of another person, I have to make God my everything and not need someone else to love me other than Him. For me, that is very challenging. Don't get me wrong. I love God immensely but how do I get to the point where His love is all I need?

I am still working on it although I feel flashes of insight when I feel that He is all I need. And then I slip and feel desperate for more. LOL! Saying that (writing it, actually) sounds silly that I need more than an infinite being's love.

I do trust Him though. I do believe that whatever His plans are for me, they will be wonderful. I pray that I will not mess it up and try to take control.

Cinders, I agree. We are complicated human beings. How can I ever figure out another person when I can't figure myself out?

[Cinderellaman]

I began to realize that I would be searching for the wrong thing. I would be looking for a way to recapture what I had lost. I wanted to be the one for someone and to have that feeling of closeness.

See, this is where I struggle, as it may also mean you are actually healing and ready for new things !


I want that too, and to be honest I miss the intimacy greatly ! Not just talking and being together, but actually feeling close to someone, feeling attracted to someone, and feeling someone being attracted to ME !

Oh well, I guess you're right and we must keep on praying to be guided. Thanks so much for all the wonderful things you have to share ! I truly respect you greatly!

Love to you sweety !

[dl443322]

Hey C, you were so kind to post on my thread, thought I'd reciprocate.

I know what you mean about wanting to feel loved and desired. It is a basic instinct of us as people. I too miss the closeness of someone I love.

I really think that when you are ready to move on, really and truly, you will know deep inside.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing the type of person you would be interested in.

From what I have on your threads, you are a wonderful lady, kind, intelligent and compassionate. One day you will find that special someone, whether it be your h or not.

[ACJ]

Hey Cinders,
Whatever it is that you are 'on' can I have some please

[Cinderellaman]

Thanks so much Beginnersmind! ((((hugs)))))

ACJ - no idea, I think it's all the attention I've been getting that's given me an adrenaline rush !!!



I must say, it feels GREAT ! That's why I can now imagine, how easily an affair can start if you feel neglected in your relationship. I wonder if God is teaching me a lesson here...

[Truelove]

Hi Cinders,

You wrote on my thread:

I can't remember how you said you had met ?! Anyway, sounds better than my first encounter with a man ! hahaha !

I met the guy on a local Internet platform and we wrote for one week before we met.

I have been thinking that joining a dating site is NOT for me ! Soooooo please tell me what you think of THIS idea ...

I want to send all my friends an email saying that I am ready to slowly start exploring the waters and see what fish swim in there, and that since I'm not the type to join a dating site and don't go out to bars either, if they can all keep an eye out for a warm, friendly and trustworthy friend they may have, who is single and may seem like a good dat for me....

what do you think ?

It is so funny but we seem to have the same ideas. That is exactly what I did! I asked almost all my friends if they knew somebody.

I wish you good luck with getting the right guy. It seems to me that it is so difficult. I also noticed the older you get the harder it gets, and the less choice you have or the less a woman is desired. But you are still so young and attractive that you will have no problem. xxx

[Truelove]

Hi Cinders,

The guy that is flirting with me is a Bhuddist. He has spent much time in Asia and traveling after his sister died in a road accident when she was 17 (he was 18 and saw it happen).

You know, he's very sweet, but seems to keep his distance too. He texts me a lot but whenever he has suggested going out, he's very careful about it. Of course I could take that as being nice, but I find that I want a man who, if he's interested will move heaven and earth to be with me ! (hahahahaha ) I truly AM DEMANDING hahahahaha !

Yes, he is a nice person and you are lucky that he DOES keep his distance since you don't want him anyway. So there is no point for him to move heaven and earth for you since he would only get hurt very much! He would probably move heaven and earth if he received the right signals from you.

You are right by wanting to look for somebody intellingent, etc. who you feel comfortable to be with. I am the same. There is no point in going out with somebody if you think he is inadequate.

Have a nice day.xxx

[Cinderellaman]

Thanks True,

your posts are spot on and so very true ! (no pun intended !! )

I hope you're having a good day !!! Much love to you as always xxx

[tpaschal]

Cinders,

I, too, struggle with where or how to meet the kind of man I would want to have a relationship with, since most of my friends are married and don't have many single friends to introduce me to!

And actually, I'm not sure I really want to be "set up" yet. I know the time is coming soon, but I'm not really ready to date yet. I know I still have feelings for my husband even though I have dropped the rope, and have given up the expectation of him ever reconciling with me. I have NOT given up hope that God may lead us to that point sometime in the future, but I have given up the expectation.

While I do still have that hope, I know that I cannot live my life on "standby." I don't believe that God wants that for me either, so at some point I know I will be ready to date, and I trust that He will let me know when that time is right. In the meantime, I'm doing what I call, "sticking a toe in the dating waters."

It seems like that's where you are, too?

Do any of the churches in your area have a singles group for older singles---30 or 35 and up, instead of just college age kids? How about a social club---an organization that plans outings to museums and state parks, sets up group dance lessons, or has co-ed sports like volleyball or softball? A couple of the larger churches in my area do this, and the community I live in has a non-religious social club, too. I know you're in Europe, so maybe that's not as prevalent as it is here?

One of my single friends and I are starting to try some of these events. We went to a Super Bowl (American football) party a couple of weeks ago. It was kind of weird and awkward to show up and not know anyone, but kind of fun, too! It's easier if you have a buddy to go with you. Do you have a single friend you could go with?

My friend and I have also started going out a couple of times a month to a local bar/restaurant that has live music on the weekends. We've met a group of singles who go out and have a couple of drinks and listen to the music and even occasionally get out on the dance floor! This may not be where I'll meet someone that I'd want to have a long-term relationship with, but as lots of the people there are in the same boat as me---divorced thirty-something and forty-something college educated people with kids---who knows? And, as I KNOW I'm not ready to date yet, I'm not worried about that yet. Right now it's just about getting out and expanding my circle of single friends.

And it does allow me to dip a toe in the waters of flirting, without the pressure of "dating." I've been married so long I've forgotten HOW to flirt. I've forgotten how to talk or relate to any man besides my H, so these outings let me try that out without the pressure of being on a date.

On a date, there can be that little weird pressure of who pays for what, and if the guy pays, does he expect some type of "payment" from the woman. Also, my friend and I always go together, so there's never any weirdness about having a man I hardly know pick me up or drive me home.

If you can, try some of these things out before going on one-on-one dates. Find a buddy, and expand your circle of single friends!

[Cinderellaman]

Tpaschal,
Excellent, what you wrote !!! So true and yes, it's EXACTLY where I find myself too !

I've been married so long I've forgotten HOW to flirt. I've forgotten how to talk or relate to any man besides my H, so these outings let me try that out without the pressure of being on a date.

The TM's helped me with that, made me feel like a desirable woman again, because I always figured most men would think 'there must be something wrong with her if her husband left her !'

I have a huge social circle, so get out more than enough, and lately I have tried to open myself up to some flirting and dressing up to look good. I guess it's a start !

Thanks so much for your great post ! It was truly SPOT ON !!