STATUS: Been DB'ing for two months, after a year of doing everything WRONG, post-ILYBNILWU bomb mid-December, 2007. The DB'ing is working, successfully. We've gone from misery (his, therefore, mine...) to really GREAT friend status. No issues, really at all. However, he still has intimacy walls up. (moves a little farther away if I invade his personal space, won't initiate an ILY, but did tell me on our anniversary last month, sleeps next to me, but never gets near me, does things as a family, but doesn't initiate much beyond in house activities alone, etc...) The last two weeks I will say, I have noticed he's looked at me differently when he thinks I look nice. He said something once, but didn't the other times, but was a different look...
I keep thinking about trying something new. But, I'm stuck. He doesn't really complain about what I do/act like much at all. Originally, he had issues because I was stuck in Mom Mode. I've corrected that, make sure I'm always looking and smelling nice, have changed my undergarments and slyly made sure he would see them, etc... I've completely stopped pressuring him. This has gotten us the most forward movement. His only major complaint with me was that I badgered him into vacations, homes, lifestyle choices, etc... and he gave in just to shut me up. I haven't done it AT ALL.
I've been OK since I started DB'ing because I was making great progress, daily. I had goals. I did the 180's. I tried new things. But, I'm stuck. I'd like ideas to up the intimacy level. I have the book The Love Dare, and I've done some of that. I've read part of Passionate Marriage, but that doesn't appear appropriate now, since one of us has zero passion.
Ideas?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I believe my H is a MLC'er. He answers MOST of the classic symptoms... However, no real evidence or hint of an OW or PA/EA, and he hasn't really been out buying new things, changing his appearance, getting new friends. But the rest fits!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I would give $500 to walk 1 mile with W holding my hand.
I wouldn't complain if I were you!
As far as moving forward: 1. Set small achievable goals - not "H will love me and take care of me and be there for me, etc". Sounds like you're a little giddy because of the friendship, etc!
The friendship is core - get that grounded into something unmovable before you start trying to charge into love and kisses.
Sounds like you are doing great and just need more time. 2 months is nothing. Especially after 1 year of doing everything wrong. YMMV but I would expect at least 1 year of DB'ing before you begin to approach "normal" again.
Mom's disease can really turn a guy off but it sounds like you are addressing that. Good you've changed your undergarments and slyly let him see. Try losing the undergarments and slyly let him see that. Again, YMMV but sometimes catching a fish is about having the right bait.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I am kinda stuck in that limbo area as well. We live almost like brother and sister. We sleep in the same bed. She still talks about the future using words like "we" and "us" and "our". We end every phone conversation with "love ya" and kiss (peck) when leaving each other. We even ML on occasion. But we don't hug and kiss spontaneously like we used to, we don't hint to each other about what we want to do after the kids are asleep, etc. I think these things can come back, but I am impatient, too. It is a battle of will to keep from grabbing her and hugging her during the day, or whispering to her what I want to do to her later. I feel like we are so close to where we were when we were first married, but not quite there. It was a rapid change from when I thought she was leaving to where we are now, but now the time is dragging. Hang in there, I guess is all I can say. I don't really know what to do now either. Good luck
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I am kinda stuck in that limbo area as well. We live almost like brother and sister. We sleep in the same bed. She still talks about the future using words like "we" and "us" and "our". We end every phone conversation with "love ya" and kiss (peck) when leaving each other. We even ML on occasion. But we don't hug and kiss spontaneously like we used to, we don't hint to each other about what we want to do after the kids are asleep, etc. I think these things can come back, but I am impatient, too. It is a battle of will to keep from grabbing her and hugging her during the day, or whispering to her what I want to do to her later. I feel like we are so close to where we were when we were first married, but not quite there. It was a rapid change from when I thought she was leaving to where we are now, but now the time is dragging. Hang in there, I guess is all I can say. I don't really know what to do now either. Good luck
why do you feel you must do something?? everyone feels like they should be doing something...
you can't do anything to bring them back..if they like what they see then they come back...show them the changed you...they might just fall back in love with the new you..
all this is up to them anyway..you have no contreol so just let it go..
Thanks for stopping by. I read your thread from time to time...
Small Achievable Goals:
-- Keep wearing awesome new bra's that make him wonder if I've had a breast lift! LOL! -- Consistent efforts to have great dinners ready for him when he gets home from traveling. -- Slow, but steady weight loss.
I'm an only child. I tend to stomp and shake my fists when I don't get my way. JK... but I have grown up getting my way a lot, so patience was never a read need. Working on it though!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
