The more I sit back and observe the more I see W entering situations with a pre desposed arguement prepared. In yesterday situation W was all set to argue that with me that I had gone off about my business instead of going with her for dinner at IL's. It really took the wind out of her sails when she phoned my cell phone only to find that D7 and I had gone on ahead of her cos BIL was passing by and picked us up. In the old days I would have gone off and skipped dinner but not now.
The unconditional out that I was talking about was just a hypthetical situation, just one of many senarios that I run through my head from time to time. I am fully aware of the implications both emotionally and finacially but thanks for the reality check.
just dropping in to offer my condolences for the Rockford Files - the reference to which def shows your age!!! And mine too - cos I knew immediately what you meant!!! I remember that on a Friday or Saturday night and it being one of my favourite shows!
Anyhow - nothing to offer I'm afraid apart from the usual...cream from the chemist - annusol??? and lots of handwashing - and don't get the cream mixed up with your toothpaste!!!
I remember going to the doc the first time with mine....I thought the world was going to end!
The more I sit back and observe the more I see W entering situations with a pre desposed arguement prepared. In yesterday situation W was all set to argue that with me that I had gone off about my business instead of going with her for dinner at IL's. It really took the wind out of her sails when she phoned my cell phone only to find that D7 and I had gone on ahead of her cos BIL was passing by and picked us up. In the old days Lanzo
Hey lanz buddy..
This brought back memories from my two D's. The oldest always teased the youngest. I kept telling the youngest she is only doing this to get a reaction. If you don't react.. It will be no fun and she will stop.. It took her awhile but it worked It is kind of fun though right? Knowing what they expect us to do and then throwing them a curve ball.
Take care Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Anyhow - nothing to offer I'm afraid apart from the usual...cream from the chemist - anusol???
Preperation H Gel, Oh the relief !!!!!
Doc,
I'm pretty much not giving W the reactions she wants or expects so she's now walking around in a sulk not talking to me. In the past I would take W on and things would escolate, but but not now. This week I've got time off work with D7 so we spending some quality time together, I'm using that time to try to teach her to ride her bike. Also I'm ticking more things off my 2009 list, hey I've even contacted a couple of class mates I've not seen for 30 years so I am staying focuse on the longer run.
So at the moment W being a big PITA, and thats not a good thing to go along with Emma Freud's
Lanzo, You and I seem to be in a similar situation with seemingly chronically unhappy spouses. I know what you mean when you say that if there was an escape offered by the spouse, you'd jump on it.
Since you're reading that book you recommended about the superior man, I'll keep an eye on your thread to see how you integrate it's ideas into your situation and see what impact it has.
A comment one of your posters said about how our W's can be verbally abusive, but call us abusive because their needs aren't being met rings true for my situation.
Keep working, and experimenting with different approaches, and take care of yourself.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I always used to think that I contributed a lot to the arguments between W and I, and she even used to say that whenever things were going well between us it was me who alway used to spoil things by upsetting her. But now as I take a back seat in these things and observe W's behaviour I can see that she really goes out of her way to either cause an argument or sustain one. I mean on this occasion when W told me to f**k off it was because I asked her directly why she was deliberately causing an argument when there wasn't one there. Also I now know when W is losing an argument or doesn't have a valid point she resorts to cursing as a way to deflect away from the pointless situation.
You say that I am big on patient and self control, well the truth of the matter is now having got this far if I was offered an unconditional out, I'd probably take it. But, a lot of people here on this board would give a lot to be in position I am so I have to continue along the lines of giving it my best shot.
I can see over the last couple of years that I have changed a lot but W hasn't , and I doubt she ever will and that is a big obsticle for our situation . So as we muddle through at the moment who knows what our long term future will be. ( I mean at some stage my patience may run out).
Lanzo
Lan, you don't need to do anything because other people would love to be in your shoes. You must never base you decisions on others in that way, you've got to do what is right for Lan's happiness.
The F off situation, been there, seen that, left it behind myself. Not sure how you handle the silence since without returning to doormat, be good if some people could offer something on what to do with that. People ??? Could you break the ice with a short letter as it may be there was something on her mind, but your questioning like that didn't work (Venus and Mars thing). Maybe it could of been. Look, if there is something you like to speak to me about, please do so, but I do not feel there is a need here for an argument. I'm all ear and here for you when your ready and then maybe leave it. Not sure that's right or wrong or whatever, just a different take on it.
Lan: How long the not talking cos if I use your words it's all very childish. (W had called me childish in one of her previous rants).
Well W didn't repsond to the txt but she did utter a few words when she got home but shes still very stand offish. One of the problems W has is when we get into one of these downward spirals she doesn't know how to get out of it, and if you read any of my very early post this could go on for months,the longest was one year. I always offer W an out in the end but she doesn't always take it.
Anyway since the start of this year I've decided not to get drawn into W's drama's, I've stopped chasing her tail (although when I get a piece of it I can't complain). In the main it goes ok but I get the feeling outside forces are bothering her, but I'm not gonna snoop or anything like that to find out(14 monts since I last snooped).
Instead I'm just concentrating on D7 and my todo list for 2009, big things for D7 are teach her to swim, ride a bike and improve her maths. Around the house I've put up the blinds, fixed the house alarm, I've sorted the sat nav and I'm now looking for a new technical challenge. So I've enough going to keep my mind off W. Although when things get back to normal I think I will have some form of talk with if I can but these talks usually end with her getting all defensive and not saying much.
So although things are in a bit of a slump I'm not too worried cos somone like you Arthur has shown that the worst case scenario is survivable.
Good on ya mate and like your attitude. I like your last sentence too and believe me, it wasn't my chosen path, but it is a happy palce for me now. Always remember you are only responsible for you (and your kids obv) and being the best you that you can be. If that is not enough for A.N.Other then they are not worth it, so don't get beat up about it.
As far as the text goes, fair enough. I am learning personally tho with MOT35, texts get misinterpreted so often that I rather speak about stuff, so you can clarify what you mean.
