\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[AFWAW]

ok, checked my account this morning and saw a $200 deposit for her apartment. I'm going to tell her the check just posted and ask her if I can expect anymore to come out. I'm think I'm going to ask her for the money and confront her w/ regard to her lie of I won't put a deposit down for 2 days until after you get back. She's the one making this decision, not me and I shouldn't have to pay for it regardless of her reasoning(irrational as it is). Bottom line, I don't neccesarily want to get into an arguement as it goes against DB however, I don't want to appear unconfident and weak as it seems I am appearing here. LOL!!! Any thoughts/suggestions?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Open up a separate account, that only you have access to. Have your paychecks deposited directly into it, and let her know that you will only be paying for legitimate joint family expenses, and under NO circumstances will you pay for ANYTHING that enables either her infidelity nor her moving out, as that was her choice.

That should include any of her legal expenses.

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

You are right, she does need to be covering her own stuff. Didn't you say she's active duty? Why can't she cover her own deposit?

You could just tell her that you noticed $200 gone from your account. If I were you, *me personally*, I would close the account and open a new one in your name only. Don't forget to go down to finance or online at the AF portal and change your direct deposit account once you have opened the new account. And don't put her on it. You have to protect yourself and your daughter and if she is spending herself into oblivion (which it sounds like) then when she runs out, she is going to turn to your $$.

Okay. (I worked at a bank for awhile, too.)
So.
1. Open a new account. It is usually $100 to open a new account. USAA is my personal favorite, but sometimes it's nice to have a local bank, too.
2. Make sure all of *your* stuff (not HER stuff) has cleared. Change the account on your direct deposit. Take most of the money out of acct 1 and put into the new account. Only leave enough to cover what you have outstanding. Consider putting stop payments on check numbers subsequent from the one she wrote for the apartment.
3. You said you haven't been spending much lately, so you may not have anything outstanding. It is totally best scenario if that is true.
4. Get it all moved to the new account in your name only. Close the old account as soon as all the outstanding stuff has cleared.
5. Then let her know what you have done. Tell her that you noticed the $200 coming out for her apartment, that you don't think it was right, and that you have closed that account and opened a new one to which she does not have access to in order to protect yourself and your daughter. Because she did not tell you about the $200 coming out, it caught you off guard, and could have put you in a terrible bind. Etc. You get where I am going.

Take care of yourself. And have a good day!

I took D4 to school today and the lady was trying to decide if she was going to have a good day or not...I said, "Are you pregnant?" She looked at me like I was crazy and said "NO!" I said, "Then it's a good day!!!!"

(((((hugs)))))
Melissa

[AFWAW]

Haven't talked to the wife at all today. I'm contemplating waiting on her to call as that was one of her major complaints--me calling and bothering her all the time. So I guess that would be a 180 for me

Finished "Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. Liked the part about not arguing--apparently I have been an enabler for many years--I feel pretty stupid looking back on things I've argued about--they hardly seem important now. Fairly fast read w/ good info that I could have used a few years ago.

Starting thinking about the whole situation today and started getting pissed again. Couldn't let it go so I lifted weights for a while and ran. What's amazing is that I seem significantly more relaxed about almost everything else. The little things that used to bother me aren't anymore. Why is that? I just am not in a hurry to do anything and don't want to feel stressed about anything as I've had enough stress in the last few weeks to fill a couple of years. It is getting easier to accept but I still don't like it...

[AFWAW]

Ok, she just called. I let it ring 3 times again before answering so she doesn't think I'm just waiting for her to call. Asked her she was doing and she said ok. Told her I noticed a $200 withdraw from my account for her apartment. She said fine I'll give you the money the next time I see you. What else, she said. I said that's it. She said something to the effect of she didn't think I'd be like her previous ex. I said how is that? She said, it sounds like you're going to nickel and dime everything and something to the effect that she wrote the check when the account was still joint. I said $200 is not nickel and diming when it comes out of my check and this whole thing is not my decision. I cannot help when the apartment people cash the check but regardless of when you wrote it, the amount was withdrawn yesterday.

I said, I see you also lied to me. She said how's that? I said, you told me that you weren't going to make a move on an apartment until 2 days after I got back and you did it on the day after I got back. She said, so are you pissed off about that, I said no, it's just an observation and duely noted. She said "LET ME TALK TO MY DAUGHTER" I said, I'm sorry, she's in the shower now.

Ok, I think I did ok with the exception of bringing up the fact that she lied to me. I didn't get scared talking to her or confronting her. She tried to intimidate me and I didn't let her. She is not going to affect my mood with her reactions anymore. I was just matter of fact without being rude--civil and business like.

[Mellenmack]

YOU DID GREAT!!! Or at least I think so!! I would still close that account ASAP. Or at least see if you can get her off of it. I know YOU can't take her off. She can remove herself. But some banks won't even let that happen. Some banks require the new account. And I would do it in a heartbeat.

It's almost like she thinks you owe her the $200 deposit. And that's not right! You know it as well as I do. And I would cut her off quick, cause I doubt it's gonna end here.

Good job. I'm proud of you. Tomorrow, four rings.
Melissa

[AFWAW]

Thanks!!! I don't want to celebrate too much though. I look at it as a small victory of a battle. I want to win the war and have my wife come home. So I will not gloat and I will still keep my PMA.

It felt great not arguing. Yeah, I will not be affected financially by her decision. Wait, yeah I will Ok, reality sucks. So I'll have to make some adjustments. Oh wait, I didn't spend that much money before, she did! It still sucks, but hey at least I stood up for myself. So, I have completed a 180. I stood up for myself without getting angry and without arguing.

You are right Melissa. Tomorrow 4 rings or maybe I'll let the machine get it.

[AFWAW]

Well, I woke up this morning and started getting really angry about why the whole thing is happening again--it still makes no sense to me. So, after I saw my daughter off to school. I got ready to go to the gym. Drove out to the base and did the gym thing for a little over an hour, went to the exchange and got a new pair of running shoes and then met a friend for lunch. Pretty leisurely, he's been very supportive and doesn't understand the whole thing himself. I know, I know, I may never understand. Went to the library and got some self help books and did grocery shopping after. I have to pick my daughter up for a dental appt and the wife is supposed to stop by tonight to bring me my $200. I'm hoping this is just an excuse to come by. I got a couple of compliments from folks I know on base about how much weight I've lost too--yes, one was a hot female--made me feel pretty good.

I will try to maintain my composure tonight as I did on the phone yesterday evening. We'll see what happens--I'm praying everyday for doubt in her heart and mind as to what she is doing. More later...

[AFWAW]

So, the wife called a little while ago. I didn't know it was her so I answered right away. She wanted to know about me helping w/ the old washer and dryer--she's giving it away to my son's friend. Anyway, I guess she didn't like that I was being cold with her. I didn't actually realize I was, so I guess I'm going to have to pay attention to that as that wasn't my intention. She asked if I was going to be a d@#$ everytime she talked to me from now on. I said, how exactly did you come to that conclusion? She said well you were one last night. I said that was not my intention. She said whatever and continued on about setting up a time for pickup of the old washer and dryer. Also talked about coming over tonight so we can take our cell phones to the mall and get them set up--get this, she is paying for them! Something is not right!

So help me out, I'm not very good at this. Did I do ok last night and she is just not used to me sticking up for myself or did I blow it? How do I stick up for myself and act in a loving manner without appearing like a doormat and/or a d$#%? Comments?????

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She's wanting to pay for both cellphones so they will be in her name, and the bills will come to her, and so HER bill won't come to YOU, specifically.

You can't stop her from doing what she wants to do with hers (and it's in fact GOOD that she pay for her own, since she uses it to communicate with OM), but you damned sure shouldn't get YOURS set up in her name and paid for by her.

You did fine. The "that wasn't my intention" line was PERFECT. If you really DO feel like you are ever a d*ck, don't be afraid to apologize -- briefly and ONCE -- about it. Take the higher road.

Puppy