H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[mishka422]

I'm hearing that ticking clock from 60 minutes

[25yearsmlc]

I'm watching American Idol (Anne Marie the brunette in blue dress is our local) and yet, here I am waiting...you know DH, this fact that you're so nervous and were doing so well may mean you've been going dark and also doing a little bit of HIDING...b/c at times, it's too scary to get out there and deal with it all. But unlike a fine wine, these things don't all improve with time...sometimes they do whatever they do and we "go dark" but really we hide, and WE forget to GAL...

So, you can go fill your scripts and all, but that's a bandaid. And how is your h going to see all the changes in you if no contact is made?

SO, tonight when he calls, you ARE GAL and you've been busy with your classes and your new friends, being a little mysterious is a GOOD THING and DO NOT fall into the trap of thinking you have to show him you care by crying or being needy. THat is not a 180. So what IS a 180' for you?

Being upbeat BUT available for real conversation IS a 180 for you. So if he wants to talk LISTEN to him. DO a lot of listening, ask how his job is if it ended, Listen like a friend and ask him whatever you must ask, about matters requiring attention but without any judgement...and as for his job news -- ask him how he'll approach things like a new job search IF he lost his job, which I suspect, (was he unhappy there? He may have quit...). You know, He MAY be hurting....so let the history you guys have show itself and encourage him and base whatever applies, on your knowledge of his past strengths, likes, etc. . Validate his interests (even if it's the first time you've heard of them). Ask about family if appropriate. (Forget OW...who?? don't know her). If he asks how you are feeling --show him how strong you are and what YOU bring to the table. Stick to business that you do need to deal with and let HIM bring up the R talk IF he does. But get the answers you do need, without any anger... we know it's a tough balance. You definitely have to get some biz done, but you don't want to pressure him and you DO want to show him you're a great catch, etc. So, let him do the talking. See where he goes.
BE available to him, if that comes up. Remember the 180's.

We're here for you!
(( j ))

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay, you guys are making me laugh...

I just got off the phone with him, and it was a little awkward, but mostly he was talking to me like a normal person. We were on the phone for just short of an hour, which I think is more time than we have spent talking to each other about non-R topics than we have spent cumulatively since the bomb! Apparently he decided to go home before calling me back (he was at a coffeehouse), so that was the reason for the delay. Just to get you all off tenterhooks until I can give you all the details...the bottom line is that he found out yesterday morning that he got laid off.

I have to call my mom now so she doesn't think I'm dead and wake up my neighbors to investigate (gotta check in with her every night now that I live alone--what with the suicidal thing and all). I will be back with an update as soon as I get off the phone with her (brace yourself...she will undoubtedly go into serious "worried mom" mode when I tell her what's going on, so it could be a while before I get her calmed down...).

Stay tuned for the next episode of "As the MLCer Spins"...

Peace,
Dawn

[25yearsmlc]

gee too bad he got laid off....gee....I'm sooo sorry.

Seriously, so what? I mean, I sure hope OW makes a lot of money. What's that? You say she isn't earning six figures? Oh, shoot. Darn. There goes that gravy train....

good thing you have your money SAFELY HIDDEN, RIGHT??? and you can make ends meet, right? And maybe he can't afford two women, or one woman if she's unemployed...la dee da... all in all, seems like it went well.

I sure wish your mom didn't have the burden of your life in the balance...Please, Dawn, think about that. Reach out to her IF you have to. But do you? I mean, you sound better HERE...but are you being real with us, or is your mom's data out of date? I hope the answer is that she fears things from your past that are no longer applicable...I really hope so. Cuz you sound so much healthier and aware and as if you are taking charge of your life. Have you read "The Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck? You would like it I think. How are your GAL actions going? That needs to be the focus really. It's within YOUR control.
All in all, him losing his job may be a good thing for you but I sure prefer the idea of you taking action rather than merely reacting as a way of life. Know what I mean?
well
keep on keepin' on.

( j )

[Dawn of Hope]

Dateline Wednesday, February 18:

I'm a little weirded out. H is coming over tomorrow afternoon (okay, technically today) to pick up his mail and give me his W2s (so I can do our taxes) and some computer files I need that were on the computer that died the day he left (the day...the music...died) (sorry, couldn't help myself!) ...which he was able to resurrect.

Thank you all SO MUCH for posting to me; sorry for the series of postponements (just think of it as a magazine story in installments!). I am going to clear my online history now because he will be installing stuff on my computer tomorrow, and I don't want him to know I've been spending so much time here. I'm going to have to wait to respond to your comments and give you the details until after he leaves, because at the moment it's 4:45 a.m. and I am toast for the night. (Although I do want to say, 25, I was laughing when I read your post with suggestions on conducting this conversation with him, because I didn't see it until after I got off the phone with him, but nevertheless I did almost exactly what you suggested! Great minds think alike, eh?

Must...sleep...

Back...later...
Peace,
Dawn

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Dawn.. dont forget to delete your cookies and temporary internet files and also... your typed URLs (know how to do that?) its where.. if yuo start typing www. in the address box (in case he did!) up would pop a list of recent urls you typed in or visited. You have to delete that out of the Regedit (google it, but be careful when editing taht!)

Anyway, you might already know all this, but I'd hate for him to find your site, if he is a IT whizz...

Good luck when he comes over !!!! Nice he spoke to you for an hour...
Al xxx

[25yearsmlc]

geez Ali,

I'd def call you if I needed to get stuff off my computer. I don't even know what the hell you are talking about...but good for DH to know.

"see you guys" in the next issue --
(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

well?????

((( j ))))

[Dawn of Hope]

Geez, I can't believe I've been away so long...I think I just needed a break from the boards to clear my head a bit and step away from all the drama and heartache I see here. I've just been catching up on some of what I've missed in the last 2-1/2 months that I've been away from the boards.

Just to summarize, beginning at the time of my last post...H was laid off, and was out of work for 2 months and then got another job, in more or less the same field but with a significant pay cut, in mid-April.

I have been increasingly less pleased to talk to him, although I haven't been nasty or rude or sarcastic. He and I have had a few of those lovely conversations that we used to have a lot--you know, the ones where he politely points out all my flaws (real or imagined), and my "sins" against him, but when I try to (carefully, in DB-friendly fashion) pin down what he wants from me instead, he just talks in circles and the only thing I can pull out of the conversation is that he wants me to make more money. He didn't even bother making it clear to me until I explicitly asked, six weeks after he lost his job, that I have had no medical insurance since he was laid off, and the current job is as a contractor, so he says he doesn't have the option of putting me on medical insurance. With that in mind, I have discontinued all of my medical treatments, therapies, and medications, including my AD's (which I've now been off of for over 2 months) and counseling, as a cost-cutting measure so that I can continue to eat.

He is still paying for the mortgage and utilities (which I do appreciate), but is complaining mightily about it, indicating I should be doing the honors, even though he makes over 5x as much I do, even after his pay cut (my income is below the poverty line for one person--a hazard of being a self-employed artist with minimal marketing skills). Right after he got his new job, he treated himself to a fairly expensive guitar (which he said he bought with some of his unused severance pay). I said nothing about it when he subsequently complained about paying for the house he owns but chooses not to live in, and the second mortgage that was needed mostly due to debts he chose to run up. I wouldn't have a problem with his buying a guitar for himself, even though he has eight or ten guitars already, except for the whining about meeting his financial obligations that followed the purchase.

Okay, enough venting on that. I will say that between some of the things he said recently, and some other conversations I had around that time, I realized that I really need to make some more major changes in my life, such as digging deeper to find ways to increase my income. I already knew I needed to make all of these changes, but I had been cutting myself too much slack, excusing myself mentally because I have been trying to recover from the punches of the deteriorating relationship, his moving out, and so on. I had been trying to deal, but not trying hard enough, I guess. I know that I have been feeling overwhelmed and stuck and trapped in inertia, so I haven't been actually DOING stuff I knew I needed to do. I also know that this is one of the biggest manifestations of my depression, and sometimes the AD's don't do much for those tendencies in me.

So...to summarize, I have a whole lot of work to do on myself, and I am having trouble getting started. I believe I have enough baggage for a royal world tour!

Thank you all for your advice, encouragement, inspiration, and the occasional well-placed 2x4. I could use whatever prayers are offered. From here on out, I plan to post more frequently than I have been recently.

Peace,
Dawn

[brandnewday]

I realized that I really need to make some more major changes in my life, such as digging deeper to find ways to increase my income. I already knew I needed to make all of these changes, but I had been cutting myself too much slack, excusing myself mentally because I have been trying to recover from the punches of the deteriorating relationship, his moving out, and so on. I had been trying to deal, but not trying hard enough, I guess. I know that I have been feeling overwhelmed and stuck and trapped in inertia, so I haven't been actually DOING stuff I knew I needed to do.

So now sweetie, it is time to lick your wounds and get this show on the road.....

Make a list.

Give yourself small daily tasks to do.

Do not set your goals so high that you get discouraged.

One day at a time!!!

I have a whole lot of work to do on myself, and I am having trouble getting started.

Again, make a list of personal goals.

Maybe post them here so we can be your cheering commitee!!!