Hi committed, I'm Sandi. I have read your stitch and from a woman's POV, I see her depending on the fact that you told her that you would love her no matter what. She sees you as being the old favorite pair of comfortable houseshoes to put on at the end of the day. Make sense? Probably not. I think she left the M b/c she missed having the "passion" that was once there and things got into a rut. She turned to this OM b/c they shared a common problem that they talked to each other about. However, it soon turned sexual and one thing led to another. He was feeding her ego and giving her something that you were no longer providing for her. However, what she did was very wrong. But, she knows that you (by your own nickname) are committed to the M and that is what she is banking on while she has her fun.
Each time you have pulled back, it draws her in closer. That should tell you that it does work! I can tell you as a woman that it does work! We want what we think we can't have. If you have always been good old faithful, committed H, and she does not see you as exciting, interesting or mysterious any longer.....my advice is to get out there and get a life. Stop giving her a play by play of your daily events. Don't you see that is why she is contacting you wanting to know what all you have done? She is still tring to keep you under her thumb while she continues in her A. She wants it both ways. I can almost promise you that if you were not available to her, and you were out there getting a life of your own and acting as if you were moving forward, she would get very nervous and upset over it b/c she would feel threatened. She needs to feel that way! She needs to feel insecure about you hanging around forever waiting for her to make up her mind. She made a chump out of you when she pulled her little stunt about moving back and then backed out.
Going dark does work! Sure you feel scared about the outcome. But, I can tell you that she will not feel attracted to you if she knows you are patiently waiting around for her to return. She doesn't respect a man that would do that. She wants somebody that seems off limits to her. That is part of the attraction for the A. If you go dark on her and make yourself unavailalbe to her phone calls, TM's, emails, etc., you have become unavailalbe. That will certainly get her focus on you and off the OM. In fact, that is all she will be able to think about.....is what you are doing and if you have found another woman. BTW, I am in no way suggesting that you flirt or go looking for another woman. Do not date. You are a M man. I would advise you to stay away from environments that would make temptation with the opposite sex very easy....such as the bar and party scene. That is just my personal opinion. But you can get a life without all of that. The point is not to reveal what you do to her. Don't ever lie to her, but just be vague if she asks questions. You do not have to answer just b/c she asked. If nothing more, just smile. That will drive her insane!
As far as knowing when to stop being dark, she will determine that by her actions. When she comes to you and is remorseful for her A and is ready to move back without any hesitations, then you can come out of the dark. But if there is one ounce of hesitation and her game playing......don't even mess with it. She is not ready.
You have to win her admiration. She will not want you until she admires you and she won't admire you as long as you are willing to take whatever she dishes out. women will do that, you know, but they really admire a man that will stand up to her and let her know that he is not going to be treated like that. I may even be risky enough to say....just leave the word "love" out of it for right now and think about self-respect. That is what she wants to see in you. The idea of "love" and all that is not what really draws her back (as you would think that it should) but it is the attraction and amiration and the lack of availability. You could almost call it the three "A's" How will you win her admiration and attraction? Don't worry, she will keep tabs on you...one way or the other. Mostly through asking other people about you. Always look great b/c that gets back to her also. If/when you do see her, be charming, but don't act goofy...like you are ready to melt at her feet. Be aloof (hey...another "A" word, there) and be unavailable......you can have that "air" of confidence about you (without acting like an a$$) and she will sense it.
Well, I will check back, but just hope that you have the strength to do this. I think you do, but you are a little afaid of the technique. I hope you will trust those who have been there and trust DB principles. They work!
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
