Most recently I have been DB'ing with mixed results. I guess I may be expecting too much too fast, but every time I feel like things are improving, W does or says something... I don't know, I'm trying to monitor results, and I'm having trouble determining if anything is changing, has changed, or is going to change.
Still really struggling. Amongst the many issues I'm struggling with...
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As I have mentioned several times, I have rediscovered my faith, and prayer has helped me a lot over the last 8 months or so. My concern is W. She is, and always has been agnostic.
She's gone to church with me a few times in the past, but really doesn't know what she believes, other than "there probably is a higher power, or God if you want to call it that, but I don't buy in to this whole organized religion, fire and brimstone, repent or you will go to hell philosophy".
In the past I just kept my beliefs to myself, and believed that in time she would come to know the Lord and accept him, but on her time, and when she was ready. Admitedly, I was a passive Christian, didn't go to church (I learned all that when I was a kid), and even though down deep I believed and felt myself to be a Christian, I didn't pray regularly, and just kind of took my faith for granted, just like I did my marriage.
Now, I have been regularly attending church, I have spoken with my pastor about my sitch, and I have been praying for W's salvation every morning and night, and also for my kids, as they are at the age where they are asking a lot of questions, and getting very different answers from Mom and from Dad.
I know I can't force my beliefs on her, or the kids, or anyone for that matter, but what can I do, other than praying for them? Is there anything else I can do?
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She is obviously having some real internal battles going on, and I'm afraid that if she keeps bottling it up and pushing it down, nothing's going to change.
It's a common trait in her whole family - her mother is an alcoholic, and when she goes "into la la land" as they call it, everybody carries on as-if nothing is out of the ordinary - they all just pretend everything is OK, and eventually it will be.
She puts on such a brave face, and impenetrable demeanor, but I can tell that she is hurting deeply, and I want to be he one to comfort her, but how can I do that if I am the one causing her the pain?
At our last MC meeting, when asked about how she feels about the R she said "I keep waiting for something, anything to make me want to make it work, but I just get so tense and sad when I'm with you, and I feel at peace when I'm not. I don't know if it can change, or if I even want it to change, I just don't know what I want, but I really feel like we just don't belong together. "
These are the issues I just can't seem to put out of my mind, I keep running them over and over trying to find answers. Here I am posting them again, trying to find answers. [/sarcasm] I appreciate any feedback, suggestions, encouragement, even 2x4s - thanks!
