Can it work, I just don’t know what to do for the best when she hits me as I’ve gotta be truthful and say that the attacks never really inflict any actual bodily pain, yeah they leave a few bruises and the scratches were sore for a day or two, but no real physical damage is done. It just doesn’t seem right calling the police, I know if I ever did she would just turn this around and use it against me “how can you call the police when you say you love me” kind of thing. She’s done this many a time over the past couple of weeks saying “that’s a funny way of showing me you love me” when I react in a particular way to something she’s done or said. The police, god that’s a hard one, yeah I know if I want custody I should have these attacks on record but I also think that if I did ever report her if would totally destroy any chances I may have. Catch 22!
The one thing that stands out to me in your reply is when you mention mental issues. When all of this kicked off towards the end of October it all started with my wife saying that she thought she was depressed and it was making her unsure how she felt about me, I asked her to go and see the GP and it was after this supposed visit to the GP that she initially asked me to move out for a couple of days to give her a little space. I say supposed because I’ve since found out she never went on that occasion, but she told me that the GP had said she wasn’t depressed and just needed a little space. When I moved out again early in the new year I insisted that I would only do so if she definitely went to the GP for real this time and low and behold she was prescribed anti-depressants.
When we did our one and only visit to relate which was about 2 weeks after this we had the standard welcome to relate consultation whereby the counsellor explains how relate work, asks a few questions and then at the end she runs through what the options available to you are, this stage involves her filling in a form as to what type of counsellor you may need should you wish to proceed and she hesitated when she came to the part about requiring a counsellor who has specialist mental health training… She decided to answer “No” but then added “at this stage”. I think my wife shot herself in the foot with the relate counsellor because she told the counsellor that her GP was thinking of taking her off the pills as they were not making any difference to which the counsellor replied oh I don’t think he’d do that as you’ve only been on them 2 weeks and these things take at least 3-4 weeks before any effects are noticeable. The counsellor also informed my wife that anti-depressants are very much hit and miss, what works for one person won’t work on another, and therefore GP’s would normally try at least 2 or 3 different types over a several month period before deciding a person did not require them. The counsellor did tell me that due to data protection I am allowed to have a copy of whatever notes are taken and I think I may take her up on this as I would love to know her thoughts.
My wife went back to the GP’s a couple of weeks ago and informed me that she is off the pills but bearing in mind what the relate counsellor told me I can’t see that this is true. She may well still be on the pills I don’t know, I just hope to God that she didn’t do a no show and decided to quit the pills herself. If the GP reckoned she needed them it should also come from the GP that she doesn’t need them.
I said in my original post that my wifes hurtful comments are like water off a ducks back to me and I think the main reason for that is because I know my wife is not my wife at the moment. She is definitely not the person I have been with for the last 11 years and no matter what she says there is no way she could hide this person from the outside world for that length of time.
I am not the only person involved in all of this who thinks she may need some form of help but regardless of what anyone thinks if she doesn’t admit that there might be a problem herself I cannot see what I do. I suppose its like they say about an alcoholic that the first step is admitting you’ve got a problem!
Can it work, I just don’t know what to do for the best when she hits me as I’ve gotta be truthful and say that the attacks never really inflict any actual bodily pain, yeah they leave a few bruises and the scratches were sore for a day or two, but no real physical damage is done. It just doesn’t seem right calling the police, I know if I ever did she would just turn this around and use it against me “how can you call the police when you say you love me” kind of thing. She’s done this many a time over the past couple of weeks saying “that’s a funny way of showing me you love me” when I react in a particular way to something she’s done or said. The police, god that’s a hard one . . .
And so, you just keep getting abused.
Instead of focusing on your wife, Nerfus, I'd suggest that you focus on yourself and your own issues for the time being. Why do you suppose you want to remain in a marriage where none of your needs are met, and where you are getting abused??
I am not the only person involved in all of this who thinks she may need some form of help but regardless of what anyone thinks if she doesn’t admit that there might be a problem herself I cannot see what I do. I suppose its like they say about an alcoholic that the first step is admitting you’ve got a problem!
True, but it's also imperative that the people surrounding the alcoholic stop enabling their drinking.
YOU CALL THE POLICE AND LET HER DEAL WITH THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF HER OWN ACTIONS. You do not put up with [censored]. Period. End of discussion. I don't care WHAT she throws in your face.."if you loved me you wouldn't call the cops" Yeah, well, IF SHE LOVED YOU SHE WOULDN'T HIT, KICK, CLAW, AND SCRATCH AT YOU.
Okay. End of tirade. Seriously. She needs help. And honestly, I can't remember why I know or where I read this, but, women who are like this, typically stay like this. She doesn't see anything wrong with it. Men who are like this, often DO see something wrong with it and can change. I'll dig up the book. YOU CALL THE COPS.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Some AD's can actually make a person WORSE. If she is on the wrong one's she may not realise and she may need a third party to point out to her that she needs to go back and try a different one. It usually tales a couple of months for the AD's to take proper effect and then if one changes you have to be weaned off them, clean for a week or so, and then start on the new ones....which again take a couple of months to get working fully. The weaning off and starting up again period can be really tough.
Also, one should NOT drink whilst on AD's - it could be accentuating your W's problems. Many people also think if they are on AD's they are at greater risk of having their children taken away from them in a custody dispute.
Could your W be Bi-polar?
Honestly mate, Relate have a bad rep when it comes to saving M's.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Heard the saying Bi-polar cos of the song by Katie Perry but not really too sure what it is so have to do some research I think.
If bi-polar means jekyll & hyde then yes she most definately is!
The mood swings that I have to put up with lately are unbelievable, take last weekend as an example, she was off to spend the weekend at her mothers and on the saturday morning she was due to be picked up she bought me a coffee in bed (not done this for months), made me another coffee and bought it out to me in the garden whilst I was cleaning out the rabbit as she thought I might be cold and then sat down and had an amicable chat with me whilst waiting for her mother to turn up. Compare this then to the Sunday evening when she came home and she was very angry towards me and trying to provoke me and wind me up almost looking for a fight. This kind of thing happens all the time with her, I'll admit that before now I've probably got my hopes up a little when I think we're getting on and things are a little bit more "back to normal" only to have them dashed when she goes off on one again. Getting used to these mood swings now and I try not to read anything into them.
The mood swings are just aimed towards me either, although no where near as severe she snapping at our daughter a hell of a lot more as well. On a couple of occasions she's totally lost it with our daughter for no reason what so ever and really really upset her. One of these occasions occurred whilst I was staying at my parents and had not had any contact with my wife for over a week so how can she turn round and blame me for her mood.
As I said in one of my earlier posts I really don't know if she's still on the AD's - she tells me she's not but I just cant see the GP taking her off these after just 4 weeks, and as you say these things normally take a couple of months to kick in properly so I just cant see the GP doing this. I could go snooping through her handbag to try and find out but if she ever caught me or realised what I'd done she'd go absolutely ballistic and would probably beat the hell out of me again!
Another successful evening passed on my part: kept my cool, made small talk, asked if there was anything she needed when I went grocery shopping and generally acted happy and normal listening to music on you tube and pottering around on the web!
Just gotta hope the Villa win tomorrow night and then I'll definately be happy happy happy!
No real change as far as I can see, still getting the mood swings I've mentioned above. I'm doing my bit and have been playing it cool for a few weeks now and have really made an effort with new clothes, going out to see my mates, remaining pleasant with my wife (despite what she does and says) and generally acting as cheerful,normal and happy as I can given my situation.
The wifes been fairly pleasant in return for the last couple of days as well, got a couple of texts from her and a phone call whilst I was at work yesterday which she hasn't done for ages and tonight she asked me what I thought of the colour she'd dyed her hair and showed me how to iron my work shirts as she said I wasn't doing it properly! Not gonna build my hopes up over these things though as I probably have done before but I suppose being pleasant to each other instead of arguing has gotta be good for everyone.
Still waiting for my copy of DB to turn up, pretty sure it'll be here soon, but a quick question in the meantime as to how people think I should behave in a certain situation.
Take this morning as a prime example whereby the wife is off to work and then going straight to her mothers for the weekend, she doesn't drive and was going to get the bus to work laiden down with her handbag, a sports bag for her clothes and another sports bag with makeup, hair straighteners, etc.
In this or a similar situation what should I do for the best? 1. Leave her to struggle on the bus with her bags in the hope that things like this will make her realise what she's letting herself in for (i.e. no car or lifts to work)and hope she'll see what she's possibly taken for granted previously 2. Offer her a lift to work as this may make her see that I'm not such a bad bloke after all.
In the past if this situation had arose, and I was able to, I would never see her struggle like this and would always have given her a lift.
I was in a dilema this morning as to what I should do for the best, and although she did leave the house to go and get the bus I phoned her before she'd even got to the end of the road and she came back when I offered her a lift.
In this situation yeah I want to give her a lift cos I hate to think of her struggling and having difficulties but should I?
Hi Nerfus, I don't get ot the boards that much anymore but occasionsally stop in and do some lurking. I'm sorry about your need to be here, but as you are probably already figuring out its a good place.
I was reading your sitch and felt that I had to add on thing. I can understand your hesitation to call the police on your wife when she hits you. I experienced something similar but on a much different scale. In my case it was a girlfriend not a wife, I was young (18-19 yrs or so) and I am a big guy, so there was no way that I was going to call anyone for help. I found all kinds of reasons to explain her behavior away. In the end I left her and moved on with my life.
BUT, your case is much more serious, you are married and you have a child. The thing that I didn't see anyone mention that concerns me and should be your driving force is your daughter. You say that W already looses her temper with D9 but not as bad. When might it escalate, how long before she does something to her? And, what is she learning from this.
The other thing is that when you picked up the phone and it froze her, and you stopped. That is probably ok, call it a warning, but if it happens again you absolutely have to make the call, because if you don't she will see it as a called bluff and it will give her more control of the situation. Plus each time you let it slide, will make it more difficult for you to make the call.
I sincerely hope that things get better for you, and the first step to that is for you to take care of yourself.
