All he want's to know is if we can sit down and talk.
I ask, about what? He says he wants to figure things out.
Now, to any other LBS these are words you live for.
Me, I know better.
See what he does to me.
I'd love nothing more than to work on things. With Us.
But no, that isn't even in his radar. He means that he wants to talk about how we are to proceed with our divorce now that I don't want the house. He wants to know why, blah blah blah.
So I push again.
I start with, I don't want the house because I don't know what I'm going to do in 2 years. I don't have the resources or the skills to finish the unfinished projects, etc. Plus once I'm done with school, if there are no reasons for me to stay in town, I plan to leave. So now would be a good time to really think about how much time you are spending with the kids. They need you more than every other weekend. All he can say is hmm, and ya, and I know.
I then say, I just don't get why you can't be honest with me. Why you are ending us, and why you won't tell me the truth (about the ow he completely denies). He says it's is for many reasons and he has already told me and he doesn't want to go over it again and I don't want to believe him so I am believing what I want to believe. whew that was a mouth full.
I figure I've done enough damage so I end the call by saying that the kids need you. Who knows where they will be in 2 years so you really need to consider how you want to do custody. I will talk with an A and send you an email with my proposed offer so that you won't feel ambushed when we meet.
I'm really starting to hate this man I used to love so dearly.
Me36 H35 T18/M12 S10/D8 Speech 11/08 Sep:11/08 Poss EA 6/08 H filed D Papers 2/13/09 My Story
"Here's what bugs me and why I think we are done....."
Just stop right there. The reason I tell you to stop.. is this is a thought.. that will do nothing but.. take you down. (Alone Time).
1st.. let me point out that most likely.. your perception of things.. is "incorrect". Otherwise.. you would not be posting "here". If you were a great mind reader and could see the future.. I am fairly confident you would not be posting "here". I used to tell people.. you are about to learn more about your S.. than you ever thought possible. It's true ya know.. and you may not like some of it. Some things will be A'ha moments.
"Why can't I talk to him without loosing my head?"
"He is such an ass."
OK.. look at those statements.
You loose your head.. because he is a ass.
He is a ass.. because you loose your head.
How can you "stop" it? What is the "simple" answer? What can you control?
"I'm really starting to hate this man I used to love so dearly."
This will come and go.
Focus on what YOU.. can do.
Forget.. what you "know" and try and look for new solutions for the situations you find yourself in. I cannot stress enough.. sleep, food, and GAL.. helps.. alot with this.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
ok, it is natural for us to backpedal and loose our temper from time to time, so do not beat yourself up about it.
So now, you will want to try REALLY hard on working on yourself and maybe re-evaluate your 180's. Trust me, I have lost my temper on my H quite a few times, especially when one day he is telling me he sometimes thinks he might want to work it out, and then the next he is so impatient about getting a D and making plans for the D. Make a conscious effort to remain calm when you talk to him even though I know it is extremely hard. It also might help to get into a positive thinking mindset. I know that is hard, but its what I do and it has helped me tremendously. If you are constantly thinking "this is never going to work out" or "I should just give up because there is no hope" (along those lines)then that is what will happen.
I had to try out different approaches with my H until I got comfortable with my results and that is where I am at now. Just to share with you: I stopped fighting with my H on D things. I listen to all of his suggestions on splitting things up and let him get it all out about how much he wants a D. I've had to bite my tongue over and over... The normal me would be to get all upset about it but now, I just agree with him. Let me tell you, ever since I stopped giving him a hard time and acted like I just didnt care, is when he started wanting to come back around and stuff. we are by no means reconciling, but sometimes its all about finding the right approach. This took me getting out a piece of paper and pen, and wrote down all the things I had been doing up to this point that werent working and did the opposite. Im really doing it for myself, and I think it will benefit you too.
If you were a great mind reader and could see the future.. I am fairly confident you would not be posting "here". I used to tell people.. you are about to learn more about your S.. than you ever thought possible. It's true ya know.. and you may not like some of it. Some things will be A'ha moments.
So far what I've learned is...... My H is really good at being cold. My H is really good at cutting himself off from me emotionally. My H is very stubborn and hasn't shown any signs of letting up. My H doesn't want to do anything that isn't good for him.
And no, I don't like any of it. lol
As long as he is in this fantasy world that he is convinced that he is better off divorced, that is where we will end up. Unfortunately the OW that doesn't exist is getting in the way of any positive changes I make. I'm pretty sure that is a fact.
Originally Posted By: jennlynnb08
ok, it is natural for us to backpedal and loose our temper from time to time, so do not beat yourself up about it.
Jenn, You know, I really did keep my cool. I just ended up crying my eyes out after the call. It's sort of hard not to. That's why meeting face to face is even worse. Although yesterday when I told him I was going to move, I didn't cry and I kept my cool.
I'm always just looking for some little hint that I'm getting through. It's just not there.
I'll keep plugging along with the GAL, moving us into a new place, PMA, and whatever else I have to do.
The funny thing is, and I'd love any opinions on this....
He reacts the same to any and all type of interactions with me.
Cold, non caring, and indifferent. Whether I am letting go, begging for forgiveness, asking for another chance, accepting the divorce, giving him what he wants, not fighting his choices, it doesn't matter.
so how is one supposed to gadge how to best move forward if the reactions don't change?
IDK? I guess that's why I'm here.
Me36 H35 T18/M12 S10/D8 Speech 11/08 Sep:11/08 Poss EA 6/08 H filed D Papers 2/13/09 My Story
Jenn, You know, I really did keep my cool. I just ended up crying my eyes out after the call. It's sort of hard not to. That's why meeting face to face is even worse. Although yesterday when I told him I was going to move, I didn't cry and I kept my cool.
Oh I am sorry I think I misread what you wrote..for some reason I thought you were upset DURING the call not after..my mistake. That is wonderful you were able to keep your cool, I know it is not an easy thing to do!
Quote:
He reacts the same to any and all type of interactions with me.
Cold, non caring, and indifferent. Whether I am letting go, begging for forgiveness, asking for another chance, accepting the divorce, giving him what he wants, not fighting his choices, it doesn't matter.
so how is one supposed to gadge how to best move forward if the reactions don't change?
I wish I had some advice on this for you because I am dealing with the same thing! My H is always like that. When he first gave me the bomb and we went to ONE MC session, I was crying my eyes out and he just sat there like it was the most boring day of his life. Even the C said " I don't see any emotion on your face whatsoever no matter what the topic is" I was thinking...wow.....
So I can totally relate to what you are saying here. The only way I have been able to see improvement was by writing down my goals. I was getting very discouraged until I did this. I had simple things like "He will call me 1 time a week to see how my day/week is going" or "he will invite ME to dinner instead of me inviting him" When I was able to check things off my list is only when I started to see SMALL improvement. Small but I couldn't see these things before. I was missing alot of the small signs....
Though you may not see it, you are making progress. The anger yu are feeling will help you get to "detachment" if you can slow down, take a breath, and remember to just take it one day at a time.
Somebody once told me, I don't remember who because I have had so very many wonderful people on these boards give much needed advice. Anyway, they told me that so long as I kept talking to my H about the R in any way, then all his mind would stay focused on was how to refute anything I said. Whether I said it nicely, or angrily, or sadly, or whatever! So, long as he was concentrating on what I said, he wouldn't be able to hear the voices in his own head, and therefore would not be able to make any changes in his own thinking.
So, don't be surprised that you have not seen any progress or reason for hope from your H. Now, that doesn't mean for you to "cling to hope with both hands" either. What I mean is that you need to find that "safe place" inside you. It is a long process and will take time to get there. Unfortunately we can't just flip a switch. But, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get there.
The truth is that your H may very well never look back (or at least not that you will know about.......I think they will pretty much all look back within themselves unless we are talking about a complete psychopath or something.) You need to be aware that that is a very real possibility. However, it is also true that you don't know what the future holds (none of us do!), and your H very well may change his tune! Either way, it does you no good, and actually hurts you, to dwell on the fact that he may not. So, the only thing you can do is to let tomorrow take care of itself and live in the present. If you believe in a higher power, then this is one you need to offer up to that power.
In the same way that you need to be careful about "fortune telling", you also need to be careful of letting life pass you by while you wait for your H to "come to his senses". That isn't healthy either. For myself, I am trying to take just one day at a time, and let my destiny show itself to me as it will. It's a very hard thing to do sometimes, but I keep trying.
Anyway, hang in there, MIP!!!
[[[[[hugs]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
"So far what I've learned is...... My H is really good at being cold. My H is really good at cutting himself off from me emotionally. My H is very stubborn and hasn't shown any signs of letting up. My H doesn't want to do anything that isn't good for him.
And no, I don't like any of it. lol "
One thing I have learned.. and seen.. in my travels around this place.. is people usually don't "see" that what their S looks like now.. is usually a very good image.. of how the WA/Spouce "sees" you.
Remember.. R are somewhat tit for tat. You do "something" that "emotes" a response.
Example...
"My H is really good at cutting himself off from me emotionally."
My very first thought on this is that very likely.. you are being too emotional. I gather that thought.. from your posts.. and the way they are worded. Listen.. I will be the first one to say.. I was "Crazy" when I was walking in your shoes. It took a while for me to settle down.. (some may say I never did). But the key.. is seeing the big picture.
"My H is really good at being cold."
What if he see's you as "uninviting"? We all are very "uninviting" when we go thru this.
"My H is very stubborn and hasn't shown any signs of letting up."
You very likely are too. "Stubborn" in the fact.. you don't like what he is doing to you. You have the same "emotions" they are just tied to 2 way different events.
"My H doesn't want to do anything that isn't good for him."
What about you?
What would you do.. if tomorrow.. he came back. Never said I am Sorry. Never said he missed you. Never said.. I love you. What then? Do you really think.. for a second.. you are ready for him to just "come back home"? I am here to tell you.. right here.. right now.. this is the easy part. You could have never have convinced me of that.. back then.
Fix the issues you have.. look at you.. and what you can change. Then if the time comes.. you can work on him. Until he makes that choice on his own.. focus on you. The day he dropped the bomb.. your R changed. It should not.. and will not ever be the same. Build "something" new.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
