...and so do I! I cannot believe that I haven't posted before this. I actually forgot my password. I remember the days when I logged on here several times a day looking for a friendly note or the magic formula to save my marriage. Now I see more clearly every day that I've saved myself and feel confident in the steps I've taken/ am taking to continue moving forward within myself and within my marriage.

Before I get into any notes, HELLO ANDY AND SLOWLY AND WCW!!!!! Thanks for checking in on me.

OK, now I'm going back and will probably have to write this as 2 separate posts. So here it goes:

The period between Thanksgiving and the new year was an interesting time. We all know how the holidays affect us, and I was ready. H spent a lot of time here leading up to his family hunting trip in PA. He was so excited about this trip and really wanted it to be a success. He toldme that his dad was pressuring him to come live there and that he just might not come back. Total fantasy, of course--him wanting to escape from all his drama and to start over fresh. I just smiled and listened. He asked if it disturbed me that he might not come back, and I said no--and meant it. I did ask him what that would mean for our R, and he said we'd have to talk about it then. One night he asked me if I could be content living in such a rural setting, and on another he asked if I would want to come with him on these trips. I said yes to both--duh! My take is that he thought for sure that he would move to PA and get sometype of job, build a house on his parents land, and then send for me. He mentioned this a LONG time a go. I think it's how hebeleives he could redeem himself. Anyway, we had very little contact while he was gone, and when he returned, he really laid low. He siad his dad didn't pressure him the way he thought he would to move there, and I think H was a little disappointed by that.

BTW, I ended up spending Thanksgiving with another FF all toegther. That was the best choice for me. FF1--FFJG--ended up with another invitation for herself and her H, and this FF--FFJJ--told FFJG that she had planned on having me for dinner and that was just the way it was going to be whether FFJG liked it or not. It's nice to be wanted. \:\)

There was no clear pattern of behavior for H in December, but here are some interesting items:
* My choir concerts were great, and of course, H didn't attend any of the 3. However, I cam home from the first one (on a Friday night) exhausted. All I wanted to do was wash my face and get into bed with a hot water bottle on my feet. I was surprised to see his car in he drive when I pulled in. He opened the door as soon as I turned the engine off, and when I walked in, I saw that he had a blazing fire going. He asked if I wanted popcorn, and we shared a glass of wine. We watched an old horror movie and styed up really late--till about 2 AM. So the next night, I wondered what he'd do. Would he be there again, or would he pull the disappearing act? Sure enough, when I got home, he was there and had a fire going, and now the wine and popcorn were ready to go. We stayed up really late again.

*He didn't appear after the Sunday concert, but when I came home, I discovered that he had gotten some pictures out from our wedding and honeymoon--ones that didn't make it into the album. He left them lying on the coffee table. So one day over winter break, I cleaned off a bunch of stuff off of the fridge door and rearranged the pictures on there to include these 3 that he left out. He said, "What's the deal with the pictures?" and I told him that I saw he had them out and that I put them up. Then he wasn't sure which ones were new. Whatever. I also put our wedding picture from my dresser in a different frame because I wanted the frame it was in for something else, so I rearranged all the pictures on top of his dresser and left them there. He has yet to say anything about them! ;\)

* He told me not to burn any more fires because he was concerned that we would lose power and that I wouldn't have enough wood for heat. He blamed himself for the situation because of the huge fires he built on those 2 concert nights.

Then the big winter storms hit this area hard. We started winter break early thanks to 3 snow days. H called on day 1. He was getting around in the truck, but I was pretty much snowbound. He told me to move the car because he was coming with a load of wood. When he got here, I asked if he wanted help stacking it, and he refused--said he had a system going and that it was too cold for me to be out there anyway. He brought a second load later. A couple of days later, he took me out in the truck to the grocery store totally on his own--I had plenty of food, but he told me to buy soemthing special for the holidays. We drove around a little to look at the snow. He also brought more "special" groceries by later that evening.

That same day, I otld him that I've decided to learn to play the ukulele and that I was going to buy myself one soon. He was very curious--wanted to know when I decided this and why (in the summer, and I don't know, it just came to me); did I know anyone who plays(no); was I sure I didn't know anyone? Obviously, this was a great point of mystery. We talked about brands of ukulele, and I told him that I had to do more research. Well, he came over on Christmas Eve with a gorgeous ukulele for me. \:o You know he doesn't "do" Christmas because of the whole JW thing, so I really was shocked.

Christmas Day was a little strange. He called around noon and said that he'd be by later, but then he never showed up. I still had a fantastic day. If I'd wanted to go anywhere I could have--FFJK invited me to call her anytime over break to hang out and specifically ivtied me for Christmas, as did FFJJ, but I was content to be on my own. Besides, it's hard to hang out with other people's families on those days. Anyway, I was puzzled about why he said one thing and did another, but I shouldn't have been. Total MLC.

amd