WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

She's still pushing for this so obviously what you're doing isn't working. Do something different. Don't worry about her not wanting to come back once you're separated. It's a chance you take and in the mindset she's in now, she's not planning to come back anyway. When you make the decision, it'll make her rethink things. Right now she feels like you've forced her to go for a divorce, well, show her you support her by giving her a pseudo one. Make her WANT to come back.

Stuck,

I'm really torn on pushing for the separation. I know she wants to leave me and filing for divorce is her way of doing it.

My therapist, who is also our counselor, feels that at this emotional point if she leaves, she won't come back. I believe her as my wife is very strong willed. She would have to try and work on our marriage for so many years. It was at least 2-3 years that I really can remember her trying so hard. She would change her hair, clothes, exercise, diet, playful notes, lingere, toys for the bed, weekend/overnite get aways (which I only made time for 1), etc. All through that I completely missed the point of what she was trying to do. Our counselor made the discovery last nite that I was in such a depressed state, that it took something this traumatic to snap me out of my emotionless state. It prevented me from being able to respond to any of it.

Very sad for me and very frustrating for her. I should know as I really feel the roles are reversed.

I get frustrated at points but need to remind myself that it has just been over 5 weeks.

I think in my case, if she pushed for separation, that might have been traumatic enough to snap me out of it.

In this case, she's felt so unloved and uncared for that she's angry and hurt. Unfortunately, our counselor pretty much absolved her of all the blame when she said there was nothing my wife could do to snap me out of a depressed state. She also said that in my depressed state, she would have perscribed me meds to help me out of it. Unfortunately, our previous marriage counselor didn't pick up on any of this, nor did my wife and I.

I still don't know if it's true or not, but I clearly see I was in some kind of funk over the years.

I know she doesn't trust that this is the real me and the last several years (which is the majority of our marriage) was not the real me. She says that since it's all that she's known, she feels there isn't much to build on. She acknowleded that the 20 months of dating/engagement prior to the marriage was wonderful (otherwise she wouldn't have married me), but it just happened so fast that I fell into the funk.

Last nite when I brought up trying to create positive memories, she felt that's what we're doing now. I hope that she really believes that and is trying.

She said a couple of weeks ago that she wants the custody hearing because she feels that she's trapped and can't leave without one. That's why I'm so torn on the custody hearing.

My lawyer and therapist has said to try and delay and not agree to one as they believe that she will leave as soon as she gets it. I'm afraid of that too, but know that if I just make her feel trapped, she will just leave when she ultimately gets it.

I guess that's where I do agree with you, I have a feeling my best move is to be reasonable during the custody hearing and if she is reasonable, that the greatest gift I can give the woman I love is the freedom to leave. I just hope that if she does leave, in time she will see what she's missing now and come back.

Hope is all I have.