PM Thread #4

[hope3343]

My IC and DB coach suggested that I take some time away when he is with kids and I have. It has backfired in that he gets so mad at me for leaving. Gives me dirty looks and snaps at me when I come home. I don't want to live with that tension anymore so after about five/six tries, I haven't tried it again. But I know our C wants it in our agreement that he will have the kids to himself every second Sunday. So we will see how that works. then the other Sundays would be 'family days'.

Hi PM, I know you don't want to rock the boat and I understand what you are saying, BUT your H knows what buttons to push with you and takes advantage of your good nature. H gets mad and you do more of the same. I know you want to keep the peace, but H does need to realize what the future will be like. Right now it is status quo. He can pretend that it is one happy family and he has your help with the kids.

When I threated my H with exposure he exploded. He threatened never to talk with me again and to make everything as ugly as possible. That is not what I want, even if we D, I want an amicable D because I value peace above all else. I don't want to turn into a bitter resentful person because of this. I want to be a better person, not one who wants revenge.

Of course he would explode. It is exposing the dirty secret at work and maybe start to make him accountable. This is not about revenge but company policy. If this A dies a natural death, the OW can go holler to company "sexual harrassment" and end up opening a whole nother can of worms. In my case yes, I work there but I know that OW has put in multiple sue cases for car accidents, liability at work etc. Because these OP have no morals or accountability they will turn on the WS once things go sour.

More importantly as long as H sees the OW at work he has his "fix". He is addicted to the A and she is there waiting for him everyday.

I think the reason that I want my H has mainly to do with me, not with him particularly. I am very very old-fashioned. I believe in commitment and vows and love. I believe that unless there is serious abuse (which there isn't in our case) that there is no obstacle big enough to that two people can't overcome. That love often does flow and ebb. That relationships are not perfect ALL the time. That love is not about what my H is offering to me or fulfilling in me but what I can do for him and what we together can do for our family and our extended families. I look at it from the angle of 'I have made a commitment for life, I want the best for all of our families.

Call me silly but I was very much in love with my H and still am, just not this lying cheating man. I don't ask for very much, I am not a very demanding wife. I just like being with him and being his companion and that is what I miss most about him now. His companionship. I am not afraid of being alone. I have always done things by myself.

I don't miss our negative interactions, they were few and far in between but it was more than he could take. H hated any sort of conflict or confrontation. I believe in talking things out so there were no misunderstandings. I think if we knew where we stood and neither of us meant any harm then we could get past so many issues. He just saw the conflicts as signs of unhappiness on my part and he felt helpless and inadequate to 'make me happy'. I just wanted him to listen and understand.

Hi PM, this part I understand perfectly. Like you I am old fashioned and wanted this M for life. My old H is gone and he is replaced with an alien life form. Even an e-mail is very formal. I hate it.

But I do want my M back, not the M that H walked out of but the way it should be. None of us should settle for less. I know I have taken a much stronger stand but we both want the same - our M reconciled. Do I want this D, absolutely not; we have no choice but we can decide when WE have had enough. I know people that have gotten D and reconciled and remarried. We are on God's plan not our own timetable. I am willing to wait. I understand DBing, Plan A, and Plan B. I do know Plan B is better for me right now because every time I saw or talked to H, it gave him a reason to say "I am too controlling, I am too emotional" or anything for an excuse to put me in a bad light.
Now that I have gone dark, he has asked both my SIL and D28 about me in the past 2 weeks. Believe it or not they do miss us or the routine of us. And by doing that is keeping my sanity.

We are all rooting for you here, but in some of your posts I can feel your discouragement and feeling lost.