WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

I do not necessarily think you have to push the separation, but I do firmly believe you need to turn your eyes away from her and onto yourself. You are still monitoring her every move and your every interaction. You are not "letting go" and working on you. Although counter-intuitive, this is what needs to happen in order to snap her out of her pity party about the past.

Spellfire,

That's an interesting perspective of snapping her out of her pity party. She told me that she's mad and sad and feels that she doesn't have a good decision to make - she feels that neither staying married or getting divorce are good choices. At times I feel like jumping up and down and saying then try giving the marriage another chance first and before jumping on the divorce bandwagon.

From her comment on missing out, it does sound like a pity party. I never thought of it that way.

I've really been focusing on trying to get a life - playing with the kids, hitting the heavy bag/weights in my basement twice a week, working through the honey-do list and reading (mostly relationship books, so I'm not sure if that's really getting a life).

At times I do want to blame her as I feel all it will take to get us off this divorce road is for her to decide to give the marriage another try. In her mind, she seems to be thinking that she is by staying in the house during these several weeks (while the divorce clock is ticking). I'm tempted to push for the seperation only because I feel you can't really try while the clock is running. I've tried to talk to her about this in the past and it didn't really work out.

Last nite, the closest I got for her to thinking about trying is her comment about trying to have positive moments for the present and what ever future we have. Not sure if she really believes that or what, but she did say it. I know I should only believe 50% of what she says now, but I hope this is one of them.

I know I've changed and I know she's seen the sudden/drastic transformation. Even our counselor (my therapist) which we started seeing after she hit me with the divorce papers, says that this is the real me, and believes it's not an act. My wife has told me that she's proud of my changes but just doesn't know how to handle them. Now she just need to decide to see past the years of pain/hurt so she can love again.

I know I can't help her with that. The people on this board and my therapist has told me time and time again. I wish I could as I would give anything just for one more chance. I know she knows that as I've told her during my 2 weeks of panic.

I know I'm a survivor and I don't need her. I want her because I love her.

I've got to stay focused on being the best person that I can be. Part of that will be kind, loving and attentive to myself as well as to her and the kids.