H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, 25 and Glam,
Just a quick note here before I turn in for the night...

No response from H, which surprises me just a little, but not much, and I'm not bothered about it. Oh, something else...I have a checking account that used to be just for my business, but since the bomb, it has become my "everything" account (except for stuff that is paid for out of H's income, like the mortgage). H made a point of saying that he didn't have access to my account, but that was ridiculous...he was with me when I set the password to it, and his name is on the account. Well, the other day when I went online to check my account, I noticed that someone had logged into it earlier that day, and I knew it wasn't me. So I changed my password and security questions to things I didn't think he would be able to guess (of course, that means *I* have to remember them!). The next day, when I logged in, I got a notice that there had been a failed attempt to access the account since I had logged out the day before. Bingo! I don't know for sure that it was him trying to access it, but nothing was ever done to the money that I didn't know about, so whoever it was wasn't being malicious, and I can't imagine that too many other people have the code.

25, you have so much wisdom and insight, I really need to sit down and respond to your thoughtful posts point by point! Thank you so much for taking the time and attention to analyze my sitch and write it down!

One thing that jumped out at me from your last post, about the parenthood thing...you definitely aren't the first person to think of that, but I don't *think* that the prospect of having children was what drew H to OW. He always seemed content to go along with my reluctance to have them (which I never made any secret of, and the reasons behind my feelings about the issue are a story of their own), and I don't remember him *ever* saying he really would like to have them. He always seemed more or less ambivalent. In fact, at one point (somewhere between five and ten years ago...I don't remember exactly when), I was seriously considering changing my mind about the issue, and he was actually dragging his feet about it more than I was! (I guess that was my biological clock ticking, but apparently that clock went out of order, or at least silent, pretty fast!). Maybe he was just worried that if he got too gung-ho about having them, I would later decide it was a big mistake and blame him. I dunno.

But regardless, any time this issue has come up since the bomb, I think about how he volunteered a comment, only a couple of months before OW appeared on the horizon, that he definitely wouldn't want to have kids now, because he would be retirement age before they finished high school! And that was two years ago, so he's now 45. OW's MySpace profile says she wants kids, which is something I turn over in my mind in an idle moment once in a while. Truthfully, I don't think about this whole thing very much any more, because it is not in my control, so it's just annoying and wastes my time. Maybe I am actually starting to detach, which I thought I might never manage. I am learning to hand things off to God and go about my business. Not perfectly, but I'm making progress.

Speaking of progress, today I managed to get a few things done today that had been hanging over my head a bit, and in some cases I am even doing them early, which is HUGE for me! I have not completed an order on time for over two years, so if I can get this procrastination thing licked, it is going to make a big difference in my life! Of course, my tendency is to focus on what I *haven't* gotten done rather than on my successes, but I am working on that.

And now, I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, so heading for bed.

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Well, last night I went to bed at 11:30 p.m., which may not sound like that big a deal, but it's easily the earliest I've gone to bed at home in MONTHS, if not years! Of course, that was because I had been up all night the night before (and for no good reason!), and I was *exhausted*! In fact, I probably would have gone to bed an hour or so earlier, but whenever I tried to do something in the "going-to-bed" routine, like brushing my teeth, I would keep falling asleep in the middle of the process! So it took me a while to get there, but once I got in bed, I think I was asleep in about 5 seconds! And today I actually got up before noon, *voluntarily*, which is a pretty unusual thing too! So hopefully I will be able to keep up this trend (minus the staying-up-all-night-the-night-before part!)

Yesterday I managed to make it to church (thanks to still being awake after my all-nighter), and then in the evening I went back to church for a chili dinner thing they were having. I really enjoyed being out with people, even given that they didn't have anything main-dish-wise to eat that was vegetarian (which I have been for 11 years), so I went a little too heavy on the desserts. If they do this again next year, I will plan to bring the chili that I make, which is vegetarian, of course, or at least one of my soups (I make a lot of soup, especially in the winter). However, despite the food thing, I had a wonderful time, and I was reminded that I need to get out of the house more, and especially spend more time among people I can converse with (as opposed to just going places like stores where I'm among people but don't know anyone and won't be talking much). I was running around to grocery stores all afternoon yesterday, and considered just skipping the dinner, but I'm glad I made the effort and pushed myself to go.

I still have plenty of work to do before I become the person I was born to become, but I'm making progress.

Thanks to all of you who check in and post to me; I really appreciate you! Now I'm off to get something done.

Peace,
Dawn

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Dawn of Hope]Hey, 25 and Glam,
Just a quick note here before I turn in for the night...

No response from H, which surprises me just a little, but not much, and I'm not bothered about it. Oh, something else...I have a checking account that used to be just for my business, but since the bomb, it has become my "everything" account (except for stuff that is paid for out of H's income, like the mortgage). H made a point of saying that he didn't have access to my account, but that was ridiculous...he was with me when I set the password to it, and his name is on the account. Well, the other day when I went online to check my account, I noticed that someone had logged into it earlier that day, and I knew it wasn't me. So I changed my password and security questions to things I didn't think he would be able to guess (of course, that means *I* have to remember them!). The next day, when I logged in, I got a notice that there had been a failed attempt to access the account since I had logged out the day before. Bingo! I don't know for sure that it was him trying to access it, but nothing was ever done to the money that I didn't know about, so whoever it was wasn't being malicious, and I can't imagine that too many other people have the code.


DH,
Run, yes RUN to your bank and find out what the heck is going on. There are only a few reasons your h would want to know how much money you have and NONE of those reasons are good news for you.

See a L for Pete's sake. What have you got to lose by seeing a L and getting a new account? Don't you recall that there is an OW whispering in his ear and pressuring him? Believe me, she is not content to "see how this goes" and if he's looking at your account OR SHE IS, then what are you going to do to protect yourself?

NO one is telling you that you have to file for a divorce but if this doesn't set off alarms, I don't know what will.....here is the response I first felt when I read your post about the bank accounts and someone accessing them...

@#$%^&*()_@#$%^!!!!!!!!


does that help you see my point? What on earth are you waiting and waiting for?

((( j )))

[25yearsmlc]

PS

At one point, when my h went on his third crazy secret trip to the tundra, I realized he was not thinking or acting like a married man who was "normal" although functioning fine at work...this was sooo crazy. I filed for a separation to protect our assets and in my opinion, can't "prove this" but I feel strongly that he'd have mortgaged our house at one point. He was so sure that there were riches to be had if we only invested enough money and thank GOD I filed and he couldn't do that. As it is, we lost a fortune in lost income and some savings....too much for me to contemplate without getting really bummed.

But we still have our house (and a rental my mother lives in as well, and again, thank GOD I protected US) and it's because I took some action when I realized he'd throw it away b/c he believed he was doing something he could justify.
His "hero" up there may as well have been an OW b/c he was "selling" h so much crap and making him come up there and buying into a practice that h had previously said he would "NEVER DO IN A MILLION YEARS" b/c h's specialty pays well and no one else asks them to buy in, they just want to hire h and his ilk. But when it came to the heroes in Alaska, h was just.....for lack of a better phrase, irrational and unreachable. I am a L and I can persuade people pretty well. I also do theater, and my point is that I can COMMUNICATE -- but I could not reach my h. Period. Not then.

I'm really glad I had a good c and DB and they both agreed that I needed to do something to protect us, and at least then if it ended, the kids and I wouldn't be totally screwed and you know, I was also protecting h from himself. He has not said he's glad I filed (NO, and he probably won't, ) but he has said he's glad "we" didn't spend any more time or money there...

Change the account. Hide some assets if you must but for God's sake, see a L asap. Yes, pay for a half hour consult and know that many of the L's don't even charge you for the first visit. Know your rights.
good luck,
(( j ))

[Dawn of Hope]

25, thanks for all of your helpful thoughts and suggestions. I changed my verification questions again and haven't seen any further attempts on my account...although apparently the password got changed on the joint account, but I got access and changed it back. I will probably open a new account and close the one I have pretty soon so that he isn't listed as co-owner any more. Not that I really think it makes much difference...I don't have money anyway.

Okay, news flash...
Is this crazy or what?? Today a large box got dropped at my door. I heard the doorbell and watched the delivery guy (who had a clipboard and was in regular clothes, not a uniform, and driving a regular car) walking around in the yard, looking at the house, but I wasn't dressed and so didn't want to answer the door anyway, even if I hadn't been worried I was going to be served D papers if I answered. (Okay, shoot me for not having enough faith.)

Finally the guy got the box out and left it on the porch and drove away. I immediately brought it in; it was addressed to my H at the address (and phone number) of our house, but there was no other delivery paperwork or indication who it might be from. I finally decided I'd better open it and see what the deal was. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it worried me to think of just putting the box somewhere until he got around to picking up his mail, when it might be some time-sensitive thing. So...I opened it. The box contained what appeared to be all of the personal stuff from his desk at work, including pictures of me that had been there for years, as well as a nameplate that I made for him long ago, plus some up-to-date glitzy brochures for cruises (something we always planned to do "someday").

WTHey???!! I didn't know what to think, so I put everything back, retaped the box, and put it in a safe place where he could find it easily if he were wandering the house. I admit, I wondered if he had died and nobody told me, and I even Googled obituaries with his name. I can't believe no one would tell me about that, but so much craziness has occurred with this entire MLC ordeal that I don't trust people much these days.

So I have that issue simmering on the back burner of my mind as I go about my business (feeling surprisingly peaceful nevertheless), and a phone call comes in on the home number (which is on the rare side these days--mostly it's bill collectors who call). It turns out to be FedEx, with a recording saying that a package has been shipped that is to be delivered tomorrow that requires an adult to sign for it. I check it out online, and it says that it was sent today, from a local location, and H's name is in the reference field. So I called FedEx, and they were able to tell me that the package was scheduled to be delivered by 10:30 tomorrow morning, and the sender was the company (and location) where my H has worked for over a decade.

??!!??

At this point, I'm guessing that my H has lost his job. The question is whether he quit, was laid off, or got fired, and if he didn't quit, whether he knows yet that he's out of a job. I doubt he quit, because he wouldn't have had the contents of his desk sent here when he hasn't lived here since before Thanksgiving, and hasn't communicated with me or picked up his mail since before Christmas. I suppose this could all be due to something else, but I haven't been able to think of anything else that would explain it. I checked the joint account, and H's salary was automatically deposited on Friday, as scheduled, and no activity after that. I also got a message on the home phone this week that one of his credit cards "may have been compromised" so they are canceling it and sending him a new one (I don't think my name is on this one, but it is attached to our joint bank account, so I might be able to get info on it if necessary).

So at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have basically been collecting everything that comes here that I think needs to be passed on to him (I open it all and deal with as much as I think is suitable for me to do). I don't mess with stuff that doesn't involve me once I have checked to see what it is; I just throw it onto the stack. Papers related to OW's student loan (on which H is a cosigner) are still coming here, and they go on the pile.

So, I am praying about what I am supposed to do here. Contact him? (Really reluctant to do that; being dark has been much better for me.) Accept the FedEx shipment (I think it is paperwork) and add it to the stack, unopened? Accept it, open it, and add it to the stack? Refuse it because he doesn't live here now and who knows when he will get around to picking up his mail? It's not like I can forward stuff to him or give anyone else his address, since I don't know where he is living.

Y'know, it's funny...just last night I dreamed that he was working in a certain major metropolitan area that is about six hours away. Oddly enough, I had thought at first that this would put him closer to OW, but based on where he told me OW is going to school now, he would still be about 3-1/2 hours from her.

I had a good V-Day. Solitary--I didn't speak with a single person, and I don't think I even saw anyone--but peaceful. I feel relatively peaceful now, too. I choose to believe that God is in control, and keep praying to hear that still, small voice telling me what to do. I don't know what is going to happen, and I am not entirely certain what I am supposed to do, but I continue to follow instructions to the best of my ability. I have certainly gotten a lot closer to God through this whole experience, and I still have plenty of room to grow in that regard.

Please pray/send good thoughts my way, that I will be guided every step to follow God's perfect plan for me, and that I will have the right attitude about everything. And, of course, that God will lead H out of slavery to the deceiver and help H find the right road.

Thank you all for being there for me. I feel stronger just knowing you are there.

Peace,
Dawn

[25yearsmlc]

Dawn,

Wacky....okay first off, he may very well have lost his job but got a severance package of pay for a certain number of weeks, which is why you would not know yet. But he (or she) checked your acct for a reason; to see how broke/rich you were and I would def expect finances to change soon b/c he either has NO job, or a better one and won't want anyone else to have access to it or knowledge of it. Either way, I'd be surprised if the deposits continue like before, IF this is an account you have access to. Is it? I don't see him taking a chance on you touching the money he's earning, but then again, who knows how it is going in "paradise"? He hasn't filed after all....

The average affair (whatever that is) lasts about 6 months but in your h's case they haven't had a normal amount of time since so much was long distance and in your sitch, there were other issues (IMHO) that created the opportunity for him to want to get some space.

Options on the stuff delivered...puzzling yes.....well, Why not text him that the stuff is there? As you said, it might be time sensitive? Or do we really care? Taxes? Remember that he can mortgage the house or his interest in it, in some places if you don't watch out. Have you taken ANY steps to permanently protect yourself? meaning, NO account with your money and HIS access?

Why not make sure only you have access to your account? I'm not clear on what you meant about changing the "password back". You mean so he wont' know that you know? What's your goal there? Not to rock the boat ....b/c if you did, which means you somehow protected your assets, however meager, he might....do.....what?????? Leave you? oh wait, he already did....I'm not trying to be mean but to make sure you are awake at the wheel here.

Of course, I totally might have misunderstood you. But it seems you are saying "who cares about the money?" I'm saying YOU DO, or should. Why pretend it doesn't matter b/c you "don't have much" ? Hey, If it's all you have, it is A LOT....to YOU...

How are you managing financially right now? Is he paying anything? If so, it's in your interest to know these things big time as they'll affect you greatly very soon. You will need to retire some day, and what about the health insurance? There are reasons to NOT rock the boat if you are benefiting but again, did you see a lawyer yet? Please say yes....if not, why not? Seriously ask youself that. You do NOT have to FILE if you see a L, we don't force people to do that....

There are a lot of questions still left out there that I assume you are processing or not, and that's fine. I don't have the "right" to know and you are not obligated to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable. But I notice after I post, you drop off the face of the earth and it makes me worry about posting to you.
Makes me nervous.
Glad you are at peace, but not so glad you are so isolated.

I had a project requiring my d19's friends help though d19 is in Europe, so I knew Valentine's would be a big iffy thing. Yet all 4 girls came and none of them had plans and there they were, ALL good looking 20 y/o women in my house on Valentine's day....WTH???? I had to postpone plans with my h to accomadate them! WTH? Sometimes I wonder about men that age, or boys that age...or whatever.... BUT as far as I could tell, NOT one of them cared about the holiday and none having a bf's right now...but they were happy together. So you see, not just hot to trot romanctic couples hang out on that day?? Lots of other HAPPY people... who are single!

Dawn, do you have gfs around there? What keeps you in that town, on the off chance your h does not come around, do you know where you'd go?

I've LOVED the serenity prayer for years. I'm one who needs the peace "to accept those things I cannot change" part more, than the other part. I have friends who pray for peace, and friends who pray for courage to change things, and or the wisdom to know the diff......but now, is it possible you are using the "peace accepting what you cannot change" part of that, to remain stuck?

Don't get me wrong. I DON'T KNOW....All I know is that it's a fine line between accepting what we cannot change...and watching our life go by without us really in charge of it.

I don't know where you are on that line Dawn, I really don't. I'm just throwing stuff out to see if anything strikes you as real or applicable to your sitch.

Take care of yourself, as I'm very happy you are at peace. You know what? If your bills are being paid and you are healthy, MAYBE there's no harm in waiting...except it prevents you from moving on in your life. YOU CAN MOVE ON without shutting and locking the door on a recon down the road. Sure beats "waiting" around which is what I fear a tiny bit, you might be doing. What do you think?

How are you feeling when you read this? Like I said, i don't want to put you into a funk. Let me know if you are alright. Good luck and may we ALL learn to get the "wisdom to know the difference"...in His time.

((( j )))

[Dawn of Hope]

But I notice after I post, you drop off the face of the earth and it makes me worry about posting to you.
Makes me nervous.

25, you have given me so much to think about, I have to digest it a bit! I will have to respond at greater length later, but for now, I just want to say PLEASE keep posting to me. I may not agree with 100% of what you say, but you have truly been helping me see things more clearly and pointing out things I really needed to know/consider.

One of the problems I have had with therapists is that I keep encountering those who are so gentle that they don't challenge me enough to make necessary changes. I don't want people to be mean, of course, but I would rather have people tell me if they strongly think I would be better off if I would change something. I still have to decide for myself, but I definitely appreciate having other perspectives from people who have my well-being at heart. Sometimes that makes all the difference for me--hearing what someone else says, and realizing, "Ya know...(s)he's right!"

Validating is good. Challenging is both harder and braver.

And I'm not really dropping off the face of the earth--it may just seem that way because I'm not posting every day, because I'm trying to boost the GAL. I promise, I read every post to me within 12 hours (normally), and if I don't respond right away, it is only because I have more to say than I have time to type up at that moment! (One disadvantage of being excessively wordy.)

So on that note, I just want to thank you for all the time and thought you have put into your posts to me, and tell you how I treasure them. I hope you will continue to share your thoughtful wisdom with me.

More to come after I have gotten some sleep...

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Dawn....

Hmm... I'm guessing he quit his is job in a hurry, or didnt go in very much (cos of moving to be nearer to OW), so lost his job.

I personally think you have been DARK for long enough and it wouldnt do any harm to send him a short, neutral email, letting him know that you have quite a bit of post for him and also a delivery arrived which appears to be from his place of work (dont explain how you know that, details are not important and he will only assume the delivery note was on it or something).

This is the advice Jody the DB coach gave me when my ex started seeing Helen and wasnt in touch for as long as your H hasnt been and post was building up.

Email him (is that something you could do? Better than texting as you make its less intrusive). Let him know you have post for him... and then dont offer solutions/ask where he is, just say "so let me know how you would like me to get that to you"... then say something friendly but innocuous, like, hope you are well, Dawn.

You have the perfect excuse to make contact with him, in a neutral, non-threatening way and you really ought to let him know that you have post for him.

Go on Dawn, dont be a scaredy cat.. think of him as a friend now who had moved out, what would yuo do if an ex-flatmate had post piling up? Dont be afraid of his 'reaction' or 'non-reaction' just let him know in a friendly and neutral manner that you have stuff for him.

Glad to hear you sounding stronger, keep postoing to us! And have you been out with anyone for a drink or anything lately? I had to really push myself 6 momths ago to do that stuff, but its paid off in the end.

Al xxx

[mishka422]

((((Dawn)))))

Is your medical insurance through H's work? If so, you have every right to know if he is no longer with the company. Not only that, you NEED to know. Case in point, my xH got fired while we were S and did not tell me for over 2 weeks. Not only had I lost my medical insurance but our son was no longer covered. He has multiple prescriptions that are over $800 a month without insurance and a monthly Dr's visit he is required to make. I had to scramble and beg the state for help. Don't allow yourself to be in the same situation if this is the case. PROTECT YOURSELF!!!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Ali and Mishka,
Thanks for responding! I really appreciate you, my "virtual" friends!

So, first the update, then responding to your thoughts...

When the package from his work came this morning (it was paperwork, as I suspected), I hadn't entirely decided how to handle it. I explained the situation to the delivery person, and decided to submit it as "refused for wrong address" on her suggestion.

Then I called the HR department at his company (he works for a big company). I explained the situation to the person there, and she was sympathetic and helpful to the limits of what she was allowed to do (they can't tell anyone except the employee anything of significance without the employee's permission). She checked and sure enough, H had not changed his address in their records, so that's why his stuff is coming here. (I have no idea what happened to his W-2s, by the way--she said they have been sent, but I haven't seen them, and I'm the one who normally does the taxes so I would need them if we are filing jointly.) She did say that that paperwork that came today was quite important and he was going to need to sign some things (even though she couldn't tell me anything about the reason for the paperwork). She did ask if I had any benefits through him <big red flag alert!> (yes--medical insurance, life insurance...and I'm the one who has the heavier medical expenses, so I agree, Mishka, I need to figure out what to do). I think I will go get all my prescriptions refilled today.

Whoops--got sidetracked, gotta go get ready to take my oldest cat (almost 17 yrs) to the vet for her annual checkup. Will be back with more later!

Peace,
Dawn