I am "glad" you wanted some help with getting out of a situation. One day I might be in a similar one and now I already got Snodderly's good advice to you to fall back on - LOL.
I got the impression that this guy really likes you. If it was me I would tell him that I am not interested BEFORE he leaves for Asia. He might think that you are interested and look forward to coming back whereas if you tell him beforehand, he will probably look for some distraction in Asia and it might not hurt him so bad.
I too had a situation where a guy was showing me attention and I know how good that feels!
What I did was sincerely and honestly thank him for the gift he had given me of making me feel attractive and knowing that I am really worthy of a man caring for me. I then told him that I still have hope right now of perhaps restoring my M, and am not ready to move away from that, but that did not in any way reduce the appreciation I felt for the priceless gift he had given me and that I would forever be grateful to him for that.
This man still flirts with me and tries to get me to blush, but he has become sort of a friend, and a real salve to my ego. One day, after a backslide with H, I was really down and had a "claustrophobic attack" on the bus and had to get off suddenly, and ended up calling H to come get me. I found out the next morning that this man (J) got his car and came back to look for me because he was worried!
So, I think that, most times, honesty is the best policy......and of course if you can do it in a way that makes the other person feel good about themselves, that's ideal!
Now, if the guy won't stop IM'ing you, then you may just have to be "brutally honest".....
Take care!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
TJ, thanks for your advice, it may be the kindest way to let him know I'm not interested and still not hurt him too much...good one !
True, you're right, I'll have to let him know before he leaves. To be honest there is no reason why we should need to meet or anything before he leaves, and he seems very open but only in his TM's. He does not seem the type to dare too much face to face. Therefore I don't expect him to try and drop by or anything, so I'm not too worried !
Anyway, nothing much going on on the H front....
I heard a story yesterday which gave me hope...
A man left his wife and daughter about 6 years ago, he dated the blondest, prettiest, skinniest girls ever and seemed to be a real player having a jetset lifestyle...now he's back with his wife and daughter, has put on some weight and seems very happy, even though it has not been easy.
I truly feel in my heart that H is my soulmate. Then again, I have no idea what God has planned for me.
Take care xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Hello! I haven't posted to you in a while, but I do still follow your sitch.
I recently had a similar experience---met a nice guy while I was out with friends, he started calling and texting right away, and though the attention was extremely flattering, I knew I wasn't really attracted to him. Plus, while I'm trying to "move forward" in life, I know I'm not quite ready to begin dating.
I did what you did---didn't initiate any calling or texting but did respond to his texts. I did go to lunch with him one time, just to kind of test my own feelings, and it confirmed for me that I'm not ready to date. After that, I just slowly stopped responding to his texts. If he called and left a voice mail, and then texted to follow up, I would just text back and say, "sorry no time to respond, sooo busy with kids." After a few times of this, I just quit responding to his texts and calls altogether.
He got the hint pretty quickly, and I didn't have to have an awkward conversation about not being ready, etc., etc.
Don't know if you'll want to go this route, but as you didn't even go out on a lunch date with him, I think you could probably handle it this way.
Just my 2 cents! And I am glad that it gave you a confidence boost!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Thanks so much for that, I got a few TM's today again, he was very flattering, saying he thinks I'm sweet, nice and funny (yikes...no sexy, vamp or desirable in there .....hahahaha). I said thank you for the compliments and told him it was nice to receive such compliments after a difficult time..he TM back that he didn't say that often, but that he thought I was very pure and real...(yikes - I blushed).
Anyway, I'm glad he'll be leaving soon, and hopefully he'll find a nice girl over there. I've told him I don't want anymore kids and I know he mentioned wanting kids, so I'm letting him down slowy I guess....
It's just such an addiction to receive compliments even if they are from someone you're not really into....(wow - does that make me a terrible person??)
Had a great day, did some chores and had lunch with 2 friends, we all laughed, they are convinced it's time for me to start dating and they want me to explore the internet.. I have not mentioned this guy as I know my friends would push me to see him and go on a date, and I know he's not the right one for me !
Society has a way of making you feel guilty for not getting a life WITH a man !!!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I guess I want to add, that I might have considered dating this guy if he would have been a little more intelligent...it sounds awful, but I do want and admire an educated man with brains !!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
It's just such an addiction to receive compliments even if they are from someone you're not really into....(wow - does that make me a terrible person??)
I know EXACTLY what you mean, and NO it does not make you a terrible person!! I let the texting go on with my "friend" for a few days longer than I should have for exactly the same reason. It was extremely flattering, and I hadn't had that kind of attention from a man in so long!
And knowing that you want someone who has a background and education level that is closer to yours doesn't make you a terrible person, either. I think we all want to find someone who is compatible with us in ALL areas of life---not just the physical department! LOL!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
It was extremely flattering, and I hadn't had that kind of attention from a man in so long!
EXACTLY !!!
Quote:
I think we all want to find someone who is compatible with us in ALL areas of life---not just the physical department! LOL!
YEP !!!
Thanks so much for understanding ! Boy, I'm realling going through a new phase in this !!!
I called H just a little while ago and I could hear myself being so much more relaxed and even flirty just from receiving those compliments from the other man !! I guess it makes me understand a level of detachment I had no idea excisted !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I guess I want to add, that I might have considered dating this guy if he would have been a little more intelligent...it sounds awful, but I do want and admire an educated man with brains !!
Nothing wrong with that at all, Cinders.
I'm not trying to give dating advice but if that does come time when you are past your H (I am realizing that as long as I am not over my W, I can't date), be very picky, i.e. you should go after the kind of qualities and traits that you find desirable. Whether it be a church-going Christian, intelligent, friendly, kind, person or someone with other traits, don't settle for less. I firmly believe if you leave it up to God, He will lead you where He knows you should be.
A note of caution, there are a lot of hurting people out there, especially when you consider that when someone is over 30, they have either been married previously or through a close relationship that probably ended badly. Intentions are hard to determine whether the person wants a "casual" relationship or a serious one.
Why does a person want a casual or a serious relationship?
They may not have properly dealt with the pain they have gone through in their life and are looking for a "solution".
To be frank, I don't want to be someone's solution. If my M is irretrievably broken, I have to trust Him to let me know and to allow Him to work in my life. I pray every day that He leads me to what He wants me to do. I know my focus has to be on the kids and protect them from unnecessary issues, such as my personal relationships. If I do date, my kids will be uninvolved. And while I know my children want me to be happy, they are not mature enough to know what that means.
LOL! I don't know if I am mature enough to know what makes me truly happy.
But He does.
I will say that if I could give one piece of advice to another (and to myself) is to not try too hard.
I think many people try too hard to be good at some area of their lives and they either spend too much time in that one area or they end up over emphasizing what they are doing, making someone else uncomfortable.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love you so much, little sis.
mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
As always my MOST FAVORITE part of the bible !!! I truly love that bit and strive to live by it !
The guy that is flirting with me is a Bhuddist. He has spent much time in Asia and traveling after his sister died in a road accident when she was 17 (he was 18 and saw it happen). You know, he's very sweet, but seems to keep his distance too. He texts me a lot but whenever he has suggested going out, he's very careful about it. Of course I could take that as being nice, but I find that I want a man who, if he's interested will move heaven and earth to be with me ! (hahahahaha ) I truly AM DEMANDING hahahahaha !
Anyway, I am struggling with what it is that God wants for me, pit of my tummy says my marriage, but there's nothing left of that and I feel deep inside me that I want to be loved again. We humans are complicated beings !!
Thanks so much for dropping by !!! You are the best, and I always love your input !!! xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
