WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

It was an odd counseling session last nite.

We had a nice dinner together like we had for the last several times we went to counseling together. We talked and laughed - I purposely tried to keep conversation about the kids at a minimum and just let her talk about her (like when we were dating)

I put my arm around her as we walked back to the car, but we didn't kiss like we had the other times. When we got to the counseling session, I put my arm around her again as we walked, but again we didn't kiss.

Prior to getting in to see the counselor, she brought up the custody hearing. I told her I hadn't given it much thought, but asked if she wanted us to drive down together. She said she did. Very odd.

When we got to the counseling session, she started to talk about how difficult this past weekend was as it was VDay. She said it was really difficult as she kept remembering how aweful she felt from last VDay because of how uninterested/detached I was to her. She had tried to make things so special and I completely dismissed it. I acknowledged and validated how she felt and also recognized and thanked her for how I knew it was hard for her this weekend, but I really appreciated how much effort she put into make a special VDay dinner.

She then talked about how after the kids went to bed, she acknowledged how I recognized that she needed space and gave it to her.

The counselor then got onto me about how I felt and why did I behave the way I did in the past. This has been a recurring thing for the past several sessions. The major break through was that she felt that I was suffering from a form of depression since 2000 due to work and home life stress. It wasn't a depression where I had wild mood swings, but one where I fell into a neutral feeling (neither good or bad) with little/no mood shifts. The counselor said it seems that my wife signing the paper was a traumatic enough event to snap me out of it. The counselor did acknowledge that she feels this is really who I am and that I'm not faking it.

The counselor then said that she felt that there wasn't anything that my wife or I could have done other than getting medication. I wasn't sure how to respond to that as I felt she obsolved my wife of any ownership of the problem/situation.

After we talked about her findings for a few minutes, I asked the counselor so now that we think we know what happened, now what? I didn't get a strong sense that there was a plan/directions. Unfortunately, I don't see her one on one until Friday (normally its Weds but I have a meeting I can't get out of).

On the way home my wife and I chatted about the session. I could tell she was a little sad as she looked a little teary eyed. I held her hand to comfort her. She held it back briefly. I did stop when she stopped. I acknowledged and validated how hurt/angry she feels.

She then talked about how she feels she wasted her best years of her life and missed out on a lot of fun that she could have had as a single person as well as a lot of love she could have had as part of a married couple. Now she feels that with "baggage" she won't be able to find any of that. I was annoyed at the "baggage" remark again and wanted to jump up and down to say I want to try to have the love and joy as a married couple, but I controlled my self and acknowledged and validate her feelings.

I'm sure I crossed the line when I mentioned that I know she feels like she doesn't have a good decision to make.

She then got on again about how she feels like before we were roommates and now we are roommates that are friends. Its just that now the friend (me) is flirting with her. She just can't get past seeing me as someone who hurt her so badly plus there hadn't been much positive memories in such a long time.

I tried to acknowledge and validate, but I wound up getting into what perhaps we could try to have positive moments in the present. She said she felt that's what she thought was happening now. She said she really enjoyed dinner tonite. I acknowledged and validated. Then she gave some examples of things she felt we were doing to have positive moments - watching Lost together at nite, dinner, "tough parenting" decisions/choices, etc.

We went to bed very shortly after we got home as the session ran really late. We talked some more. I had noticed that I was touching her arm while we were in bed. I jerked it away and said oops, sorry about that. She laughed. I told her that I am trying to respect her boundaries and really didn't want to do anything that was making her uncomfortable. We talked about what she was ok with - i.e. playing with her hair, rubbing her back/legs/feet/arm. She said she didn't like it when I was circling her breast or going under her panties to just the start of her pubic hair (which I hadn't done for 3 weeks).

I talked about how in the 5 Languages of Love book about how one of the examples/exercises was to write on a card 3 things that she would like me to do. She said that's not where she's at, but I thought we could take a variation on that and write down things that she's comfortable with me doing and we can go from there. I don't think it went over very well, but she fell asleep shortly afterwards.

Very odd, but I must continue.....