I understand. I don't think we have a pattern but we have been having better and better days and fewer blow outs. And when we do have "blow outs" they are actually conversations where we aren't yelling but we are definitely not in agreement. I would like to think I initiated that change in our relationship from what I've learned in therapy, what I've learned from DB and from my DB coach.

Yes, there was an EA and I just found out OW from the EA is calling him again. She's much younger than us and he says she's calling again to talk about her new boyfriend--needs advice. She's calling to get advice about her ex-boyfriend who is now texting and calling her again and she needs advice about a possible career change. Great. Whatever.

No, he will not go to any kind of therapy. "If it works for you great, I don't believe in it." I have NOT pushed or even brought it up again. And really, as much as I would like for him to go, I know that if someone tried to push me to go to something or some place I had no interest in, I would def. dig my heels in. So, no, not one more mention of it after his first emphatic no thank you.

and I think you are right, there is at least maybe passion when we're fighting, but like I said, our "fights" or "blow outs" are much more tame than they've ever been.

In high school I had a friend who's parents were divorced. The friend was well adjusted because both parents were very involved in her life and her twin brothers. I will always remember at their graduation party her mother was telling the story of how she knew her ex husband was cheating on her. She said one day he was on the phone with a co-worker. They were yelling at each other. "That's how I knew." Someone asked "What do you mean? What's that got to do with anything?" She said (and this is so true) "Only people who are passionate about each other could fight like that."
**Ironically, my friend's parents got back together as we were graduating from college. Happy ending!

I think for now, I'm going to stick to writing my letters but not giving them to him. It helps to get my thoughts on paper. But I'm just not ready to give them to him, none of them.

And yes, you did help, quite a bit in helping me think things through.