I needed air. I needed out of this suffocating house. After our exchange he was in the front room with our boys, watching TV, laughing, horsing around with them.
I went for a drive, & wrote down some rentals available in our area. I came back & told him that I had found some houses. I also said it would be cheaper for him to get a condo, than me to get a 4 bedroom house. He said again he wasn't leaving this house.
I told him that I had called an attorney the other day & that if we do this nicely it will cost around $3K, & if he fights it it will cost $20K. He said he's going to fight it.
He asked if there was any way I'd change my mind. I said that if he'd leave the house, give me time to get over things, heal, recover from the damage of the M, & see the changes in him from his individual counseling, I would hold off on going to an attorney & filing. He said he wasn't leaving this house.
I shared with him a few other things the attorney said, like trying to hide money, screwing with the finances, projected alimony, child support, stuff like that. He took it all in stride. No change of expression. No outburst. Nothing. Just calm, emotionless face like always.
He started asking me questions designed to intimidate & manipulate me....... Do you want to tell xyz or should I..? those types of things. Our D14 walked in the door from babysitting, he said "do you want to tell her, I assume you have it all mapped out". I said "not tonight, it's late & she has school tomorrow, & still needs to shower".
He asked me if there was an OM. I told him there was not. He started to get ugly & controlling. I told him I didn't choose to answer his questions anymore. He just can't believe that I'd rather be alone than with him. He said "what if I go in the office & find out who you've been talking to every night" I reminded him that I had an e-mail that if he spies on me I get 100% of the assets. & I told him it really doesn't matter who I talk to, he's always going to assume the worst.
He also underestimates me. He thinks I'm still the doormat. He doesn't know me. He never has. He never will.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
(((((((cookie))))))) This is not the cookie he is used to! He's trying to bully because he doesn't know what else to do. It's sad that he doesn't see that there could be another way. I know a W like that.
(((Kalni))))) You're right. I am in control of ME. That's just how I want it.
Greek men are primitive ?? oh no !!! my dreams are shattered. LOL
xoxo
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I was thinking as I was driving last night. If I was him...how would I handle this.
I'd be down on one knee, begging "baby, what is it you need & want from me, whatever it is, we can work it out, you want me to leave, I'm packing a bag, you want me back, I'm back....." then, I'd keep going to IC, & prove to my woman that I am a new & improved man. I'd listen to her & make sure she knows that her wants come first. I'd date her & romance her from afar. I'd let her see miss me, & remember some of the fun times, & I'd try like hell to remember what it was that I was doing a year ago that had us in a motel for 3 nights having amazing sex.
It is incredible that almost 2 years ago he admitted the abuse & said he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Now, he won't give me time & space in my own home. How would it be in 10 more years ??
& you are totally 100% right. There is another way. He's never seen it.
thanks for the support.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Have you guys ever had it out with a third party to help sort of mediate between you? I don't know your whole story but from what I read here, you guys are still circling in the same patterns as always. I think you are smart and thoughtful and introspective BUT perhaps cannot see the forrest from the trees at times. True, your husband might be a bonehead but you seem to get sucked in and do the same stuff over and over. Don't force me to whip out the cheeseless tunnels analogy but as a third party observer, it seems like you might want to consider it.
Quote:
He started asking me questions designed to intimidate & manipulate me
Statements like that are unfair and sort of demonstrate the presumptive mindset you appear to look at things from. It may not all be his evil intentions. He might just be a bonehead.
Have you ever suggested a MC that both of you go to? If you guys could fight fair or with someone to straighten you (collective you, not JUST you) out when things go off track.
I really hear that your husband wants things to work but gets cornered into fight or flight mode. Not making excuses, it just sounds like both of you are still orbiting around each other unable to make contact.
Your baggage makes it hard for you approach things with an open mind...and he is a bonehead. To be fair, your baggage may be hard fought and earned but it is drowning you. You seem to have analyzed things a thousand ways but I haven't really read too much about what either of you will, would, or are doing differently.
BTW this is not a 2x4, just trying to present a different perspective.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Just catching up on your thread after finding my new hangout on FB. Sounds like you're deep into a new chapter of pain, strength and new beginnings. I'm also in that chapter along side of you. I think you're doing great, standing for what you want and need in your M. I read a quote the other day that you remind me of:
>> In order to be walked on, you have to be lying down<<
You are standing up for yourself and what you believe in and you should be proud of you strength.
I know it's hard to get a read from what I post here. I am trying really hard to just talk about me & not about what choices & decisions he's making that are in direct conflict with what I've asked him to do......
for example.......he lost his job 9 months ago. I've been asking him to look for a job. He's building a consulting business. Money in = not a lot. Money out = a lot. Money loaned to partners = a lot more.
<<Statements like that are unfair and sort of demonstrate the presumptive mindset you appear to look at things from
or maybe it's perfectly accurate & I've been with him long enough to recognize manipulation when I see it.
<<Your baggage makes it hard for you approach things with an open mind.
Maybe in the past. I know exactly what I'm doing now.
<<earned but it is drowning you
I disagree. My baggage has given me unbelievable strength.
<<BTW this is not a 2x4
I didn't take it as a 2x4. I took it as a exchange of ideas & information.
thanks for caring enough to reply & post to me. I appreciate it.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
