WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

I don't know how badly she says she was hurt, but there comes a point where you have to let go and forgive.

She said that everything was wonderful before we got married, but in the year after we got married, I changed jobs with much broader responsiblities and we bought a new house. She said she felt it started to change. I had started pulling away. So she said for the last 8 years, she has felt I was not interested and neglected her emotionally. The she felt over the last 3 years it had gotten worse and I was mean to her when ever she tried to talk about the relationship or us. She felt that she has given me the best years of her life and all the love that she has and I've thrown it all away. So in short, she's very hurt. It hurst me just to write it, but I did acknowledge and validate her when she said it.

About 1.5 weeks ago, she did say that she could (didn't say that she did, just that she could), but she can't get past seeing me as the person who hurt her so badly. Since she doesn't have any positive emotions left for me, only negative, she's not sure about planting a new seed of love for someone that makes her so angry.

I know she's angry, as she's told me. I know she's also afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt again, as she's told me. I know she feels she doesn't have a good decision to make (stay in the marriage or divorce), as she's told me. I've validated and acknowledged these feelings the few times she's been comfortable in sharing them.

I've asked her not to leave (during my first 2 weeks of panic). I've told her that if she wants a divorce, I know there's nothing I can do to stop her. I've asked her to consider a separation instead of a divorce, but she's says she doesn't know how to do that, nor will she try to find out. I've told her that I want us to try to save the marriage because I do love her (I know that's pressure, but it seems to come up about once/week - typically after/during counseling).

Now we're both in limbo. I'm trying my best to be the best that I can be. Hopefully she's not just waiting it out (custody hearing is on Tues) and the divorce will be final in just over 98 weeks (unless I agree to it, then it will be final in just over 6 weeks). My friends, lawyers and therapist says to fight the custody to drag out the decision (I can push it a couple of months) as they feel she will leave as soon as she gets a legal right to take the kids. I don't know if that's what she is really waiting for, I hope not.

Part of me wants to fight the custody hearing as I don't want her to leave and it will be financially devasting for us, but I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to control her again (that's been a big issue in her mind, particularly over the last 3 years). It's a tough decision.

I think the right thing to do is to try and keep her in the house by providing a "safe, comfortable" enviornment for her (stray cat theory) while making her feel that she can leave at any time, so it's her choice. I know every person's situation is different and there are so many factors that determine what is the right move. This is going to be the biggest decision of my life. I'm scared I will make the wrong one.