LoveNoMatterWhat's New Thread

[25yearsmlc]

LNMW,

Glad you didn't have an affair...and I don't want to moan about the unchangeable past so don't get this the wrong way, please. But if I read your history right, you LEFT your wife and daughter after the baby was born??

Well, pardon me and I'll only say it once but #$%^&U*I!!!!!! . Um, yeah, I think that says it all. So um, YEAH she'll need some time like A LOT of time to trust you again. That is a crushing thing b/c it means that when it comes to the tough life times, like "hey, having a baby around does cramp your style and interferes with the "fun times" means you might not have the "testes" to make it in life. Life will throw some curve balls and in most people's worlds, a BABY IS A GOOD THING....so what if something really tough happens? What if your wife gets really sick, or someone loses a job? Are you gonna miss the good old single times again and check out?

I say this b/c in some ways, it just scares the hell out of women more than anything. We really want security from a man, to know that when he "leaves the cave for food, he'll come back with some meat..." but instead, you left the cave cuz you felt confined, etc. For some women, that is more frightening than OWs are. I say all this to reassure you and warn you. I want to reassure you that your w's actions are SO encouraging...she seems to believe your changes are real...and I'm warning you b/c I don't know if I'm hearing it. Do you recognize that deserting your family (again, I'm using your words in the last post as my guide) is TERRIFYING TO a woman with a small child? It could affect whether she's willing to have ANY more children with you b/c maybe it'll trigger another freak out from you.

Do you think it will? Gosh, I'd be so worried about that if I were pregnant, and that stinks b/c pregnancy should be a wonderful miraculous event but if it's stained by someone's past actions...and you have the hormones that happen naturally and make a woman want to NEST...but she's married to someone who LEFT the nest instead of protecting and providing....well, I don't want to hammer you.. 'but that's a "gaslight" sitch if you know what I mean (where the h tries to make the w think she's crazy...but she isn't)...

I want to help you see that what you did was a long term thing even if it only lasted a day or a week. I'm not clear on how long it was before you woke up. But if it was more than a week, I'd be so terrified of risking my heart and the heart of my child again AND very hesitant to have another child with you AND THAT might be something I resent a lot later on. IOW, if your w wanted to have a few kids and now b/c of your reaction, only has the one, it could really hurt your R later on as she decides you "robbed" her of more kids. Does this make sense?

I'm so glad you woke up. Just give her A LOT more time than you originally thought. (and more than I thought). Because after reflecting, I honestly believe I'd need maybe MORE healing time with something like a departure from the home after giving birth, than a brief fling. It would feel more like you rejected fatherhood and co-parenting. But she's wanting to believe in you, thank GOD. And she sees how you are with d and THAT has to be the most important thing for you to do. To compensate and reassure her that her biggest fear; being deserted in a time of need, is NOW unfounded... you can do that.

Maybe the 'cold feet about being a dad' argument will work for you, with time. But probably more time, okay? I guess I feel like that makes sense. How is that sounding to you? You know, lots and lots and LOTS of patience with her. THEY are worth it and you know it. Thank GOD.
( j )