It has taken me a long time to know that *I* have been waiting for him to open his heart for me ... then *I* will too. BUt *him * first and then lets see how it goes...
I let *IT* start with me and I can honestly say it has been nothing short of a miracle. The Work~ Byron Katie Love, Ali
I have had nothing from him, and really don't know what to do know. Do I send something else? Do I give up finally. I don't know. I wasn't even sure I should come here anymore because if there's nothing that it going to go on in my marriage, Im kinda done here I think?
Not sure what to do anymore. Do I really need to send something? He must know that I'm waiting for something, anything. There were only 2 exchanges between us with the last being that question of what happens when he stops talking. Not much at all.
I thought the decision would be easy for me when we got to this point again. It's not. If I stay I'm settling, but if I go........ wow......... Not sure I want to go thru all that again.
Right now I'm about to send something as a final attempt again. ( how many times have i said that ) He's off today so we'll see if he responds.
Maybe Ill have something to say when I'm back :S
(( Just sent am email asking him if he could respond to some earlier correspondence about the issue at hand. )) I asked if that was it. Is he done talking? Harsh, to the point, but oh well. Tired of sugar coating it, or trying to say everything is such a way as to NOT offend, OR not push.... or or or or. Time to man up.
No matter what you finally decide to do, please keep coming back here. You'll need even more support if you are finished and we'll support you no matter which way it turns. I know how hard it is to make that decision.
That he has gone through my 2 emails and answered what he felt he could. He doesn't have anything else to say and that he also doesn't know what to say. He also mentioned that he didn't mean he was stopping ( talking ) now, but eventually.
So............. I am officially stumped! What the $#%%$E do I say or do know, cause after that 2 sentence email he sent, I don't even know what to say to it. I am usually not at a loss for words, yet here I sit wondering where to go with this now.
I asked so many things, explained things, and he just doesn't know what to say, or feels he has answered them???? Hmmm Maybe ( as some1 put it here ) there's my answer! Maybe he is just this clueless, or that this is what he wants. Or just plainly can't see or understand where I am coming from.
He is home soon, maybe Ill wait to see how that visit goes. If he attempts to do anything. If he talks maybe. Not sure. No clue.
Hi, D. How soon is your H coming home again? I hope you aren't having his folks or yours or anyone else around, just you & the kids. No one to distract or hide behind. You are still doing intermittent reinforcement by waiting so long between communications. He gets to hope it was just some temporary thing. His answere are few & far between, intermittently reinforcing you as well. You know he's not likely to answer, but you wait anyway cuz just in case.
He'll probably not read SSW or SSM, whichever one you gave him cuz it'll make him feel guilty. He's probably had a lot of guilt trips thrown at him when he was a kid. Give him an action request: I need you to think about how you feel. I need you to tell me what you figure out. I need you to tell me why you don't know what to say. And, of course, read the damn book already!LOL
I ran across The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, website http://www.sexscience.org. On the right of their home page they offer some 4-fold publications that you can print out. One is What Sexual Scientists Know About Sexual Satisfaction in Committed Relationships. It is 2 pages in 4-column format. The type size is TINY but you can copy it larger on your printer. Three parts are: Sexual Satisfaction and Relationship Satisfaction and Durability; Emotions, Relationship Quality, and Sexual Satisfaction; and Communication and Sexual Satisfaction. I think all of our LD spouses could benefit from reading it. It states clearly what we all know and are striving for. To have a lasting relationship, you need intimate communication, and a satisfying sex life.
I don't mean to pry, but what did you ask him and what did those 2 sentences say?
I still don't get much detail when I look for "intimate" thoughts from my H, but at least what he does say is positive. I hope I don't have to settle for "Yeah, it was fine" forever LOL. Like, maybe a "Wow!" instead of waiting for me to ask. He's not been as volatile lately either. Between my truck repairs & the dog crunching his glasses he could have gotten really hot & ranted for days, but he only popped off once. Maybe ML more often has mellowed him? All those feel good chemicals flowing thru his brain mmmmmm.
Anyway, besides the questions I mentioned a couple weeks ago, don't forget the head slap: "What if I'm not here next time you come home?" because you're tired of begging. And you shouldn't have to. Life's too short. Have a good rest of the week. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm, been thinkin' about you and your choices, possible ultimatums, etc. You don't really want to leave, do you? That's a huge step. Into the big unknown. Very understandable.
Did you ever make a list of plusses & minuses? Or lists. Good & bad things about H. Good & bad things about being married to him. Good & bad things about being on your own including effects on the kids?
If you had only one question to ask him, what would it be? Or only one thing you could change? Whatever that one question is, ask it. Answer is "I don't know?" Tell him to figure it out & keep asking every day until he does. Every day.
Our one issue is having SSM because of LD spouses. We want more frequency. That simple request balloons into so many more issues that are equally puzzling & hard/impossible to fix that we lose track of that one important thing we went after. My boss used to say "When you're up to your ass in alligators, try to remember the objective was to drain the swamp."
Even tho I did so much research, read so many books, got him medical attention, and in general found more things to worry about than I could stand, it was still just the one thing. I need a consistently frequent sex life. From you, dear H. A clear statement. Not a question. Ball in his court. Until he makes excuses or refuses to do it or discuss it, there are no questions to ask. So its 'Just Do It". Its up to you, H, to figure yourself out, but in the meantime, Just Do It. If you can get up & go to work everyday, brush your teeth after every meal, fill the gas tank, walk the dog and all the other necesssaries in life, you can do this, too.
Life is too short to spend this much time dealing with and agonizing over an essential requirement in a committed relationship. Libido or no libido, what do these guys not get about that? Siiiiighhh..... We miss out on so much fun.
Anyway, keep that one goal in mind and stay on track. It's the only thing that's important. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
I really don't know what to say.......... Here's how things are for me as they sit. The hard truth you could say.
If I had to guess, I would say my H is totally overwhelmed! He doesn't know what to do right now. If he's even thinking of this at all. He may be hoping I'm done. Who really knows, I sure don't anymore. He has said nothing else, and I really don't know what to do now. There is only so much that I can say or ask or do before even I can't anymore. I feel like I'm nagging at this point. Here's a guy who is LOST....... He hasn't a clue. He did apologize if he ever made me feel less of a woman etc....... That he didn't ever intend that, but that's where it sits. WHY? Is what I want to know. But I also want him to want to know WHY!!
Here's the other part of it now. I'm not sure what I want now. I have thought of maybe leaving things alone. I have a good roommate and a father for my kids. Hmmmmmmmmm However I KNOW I will want more eventually.
I'm not even sure I want him sexually anymore. It has been so long that I felt any want from him, I'm not sure I ever want it back. I guess I was hoping that in this, I would feel something. Maybe I would have IF he had followed thru. Because he has not, I feel like I share a home with a brother.
He is home in 6 days. I am DONE with trying. Thats for sure! (today anyway) He will have to come to me, talk, write, whatever OR the next step is just me living my life, and one day I won't be here when he comes home. SCRATCH that, HE will move, not myself and my kids.
You asked what I'd ask him. I think Id ask WHY.......... but a whole lot of WHYS... WHY did it all stop? WHY did I not warrant some kind of explanation? WHY did he not go to the doctor.. WHY was I so insignificant
Then the HOWS HOW did he forget 5 yrs HOW did not care when I cried HOW did he forget the tears and frustration HOW did he manage to not care
Ugh, Diane. My heart is breaking for you. I don't know how to help you, obviously, because I've only just begun my own journey of facing my SSM. Please know that I read all of your posts. I never know what to write to you, but I'm wishing you much strength. I hope your husband decides to wake up before he loses EVERYTHING.
Hey, Diane, glad to see your reply. Print it out or retype it & forward it to him. And hand it to himagain when he gets home.I get that you would put him out rather than move out yourself. Me, too.
I don't think of repeating the same request or question until H answers as nagging. Nagging is a word that has always been applied to women as a stereotypical bad trait that is supposed to make us ashamed of being harpies or guilty for being a bother. Funny but at least 2 of the relationship books I read tell guys to either "not let it get that far" or "do what she wants & she'll stop" unfortunately, that last one might not happen cuz of guys who like power struggles. Nagging & being bossy are the 2 faves to slap us with. I think they both result when guys are in "little boy" mode rather than "being the man they want to be".
Its not surprising you aren't sure you feel desire for him, but you still are able to feel desire. He may be able to feel desire but has repressed it for so long because of whatever bad things happened regarding sex in his past that he's able to go without rather than risk wrecking his comfortable life to have it.
Its good that he didn't realize you felt less of a woman, so he isn't withholding sex to make you feel bad. But I'm sure he doesn't realize that it will continue & get worse if he doesn't respond further. He may be clueless, but backing off won't motivate him to think or do better. He is never going to come to you on his own. If you stop now, nothing will change. It probably would help if someone else talked to him. You mentioned knowing friends of his, & your brother knows him. By this time, I'd be thinking about an intervention. Or an ambush (another 'bad' word). I hate to see you give up. But I know being continually ignored & rejected is exhausting.
First of all, what you're asking is imperative to a close marital relationship. It is what marriage is. Second, its a reasonable request. Please don't give up. In a way you only have to deal with hoping & then being disappointed when he's home. If you were together all the time it would much harder to live with. It isn't right for him to flat refuse to think, talk, act. I'm sure if you split he'll blame you because you want sex. Probably won't feel at all at fault because he denied it to you.
You are a good, worthwhile, smart & desirable woman who deserves an intimate relationship with her husband. You are only in your 30's once. No do-overs. Life is too short to spend several years of it without a partner who shares his thoughts and feelings & himself with you. You almost sound like you want to give him a break by quitting. Why? You need to get the break of him overcoming his little boy and being the grown man he needs to be. He'll like & reapect himself a lot more when that happens.
Tell him (email & phone)you are looking forward to ML a few times while he's home and follow through. Initiate. He won't. And if you don't he'll take the easy way out & assume you didn't mean it. "You apologized for making me feel less of a woman, so you're not going to do that any more, honey, right?"
Last year at this time, I considered just letting it go because of the effort it would take, and not trying to initiate anymore or pressure him or try to fix it. Bit I felt so depressed about the future it was umbearable. I need to have good things to look forward to. Be happy. Have fun. Have him care. So I've been thru hell for probably 6 of the last 12 months with most of the rest being unpredictable highs and lows. I got him to understand all of it. To try. To succeed. To reconnect with enjoying life. Not perfect, but a work in progress and so much better than a bleak future of not feeling loved.
You're not nagging, you're insisting. You're fighting for the life you want. Be pleasant, be strong and be firm and go for it. No one else will do it for you. We're with you and know you are a great woman who is not nagging. Jayce
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
but you can copy it larger on your printer. Three parts are: Sexual Satisfaction and Relationship Satisfaction and Durability; Emotions, Relationship Quality, and Sexual Satisfaction; and Communication and Sexual Satisfaction. I think all of our LD spouses could benefit from reading it. It states clearly what we all know and are striving for. To have a lasting relationship, you need intimate communication, and a satisfying sex life. 