Steve, I have read some of your sitch and we certainly have similarities. I can imgaine the hurt and aguish that you were feeling and to go through all of that mess with her partying all the time while the kids were with her, you have a lot of strength and patience. I admire how you take the high road and I hope that I have the strength in my character to do the same.
AJ, Yes. He got physical with me and said a lot of hateful hurtful stuff when he came home in a drunken stupor. I tried to lock him out of our room, so I could lay with my son. He broke in and punched me in the leg while I was laying in bed nursing my 7 wk old son. My daughter had woken up and was in the hallway and saw the whole thing. When I gathered up the kids to get out of the house, he called the police and tried to say that I attacked him and I was taking the kids away. Anyway-they didn't believe him. He got thrown into the mental hospital and his doctors were telling me that he was ill and that the PTSD was making him irrational and then violent. That with counseling he could get better, yadda, yadda, yadda...it has been a long nightmare and I kept making excuses for him because I thought he was truly sick. He never acted like that before. Before the bomb of the first affair, he was mr. perfect, so I had to justify his actions in my mind. Oh well, the fog has lifted and I can see clearly for the first time in many years.
I try no to think to hard about everything, but then again, I am an overthinker. Sunday, H had the kids for the day so I spent it out an about and tried to kill the emotions with retail thereapy. When I got home I felt no better and commenced to cleaning the house and got a lot of anger and hurt out. Got all of the needless stuff I bought and put it back into the car, returned them today.
Anyway, when H picked up kids Sunday, he said "so, a friendship is something you are not interested in?" I said "no, I am not. I do not want to have anything at all to do with a friendship. We can be civil and be nice, but not friends." "But I think a friendship will be good for me" "Right, good for you. Once again, no consideration for me here. I will say this for the last time. You have cheated me out of many years and I will not waste another hoping that you will change. You will always cheat and I will never trust you. There is something wrong inside of you that I cannot fix. I have been good to you and patient with you and I cannot so it anymore" "I only cheated on you the one time" "Sure you did, H. Maybe it was the only time you f'ed someone else, but I boubt it." He just looks sad and nods his head, then says, "well, I am taking the kids to pizza hut if you want to go." "no, Thank you"
I guess he still doesn't get it-so it gets better.
He brings the kids home and he walks in wiht S freshly bathed and in PJs. He also brings in pizza and some bread from a local bakery. He gives me S and starts to go into my kitchen to make me a plate while I nurse. He does not ask if this is ok, by the way and his truck is still running in the driveway. He starts to talk about their day and he a D banter back and forth about the day. He sits down and takes S while I eat, and just hangs out. When I ask him if he had to go because his truck was still running, he was like, oh yeah, I'll go turn it off. WTF? D goes out with him and they play outside for a few minutes, then he comes in and says, "so you guys are going bowling tomorrow? Remember when we used to do that all the time. We had so much fun on that league, even though we sucked. It was a good time though" D asks him if he wants to go. (now why do I feel ambushed here?). I tell her that we would talk about it later. As he is FINALLy walking out of the door, he tells D to call him if she needs help with her bowling.
D tells me she is sorry for asking him, that she doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, but that she hasn't spent a lot of time with him since he moved here. Her visitation with her father coincides with H and S's weekends (make sense?) She calls him today and he shows up for bowling. We bowl and then H complains about being hungry and wants to take us to eat. We go to eat and then back to my house where he plays with D outside while I put S down for a needed nap.
After H finally leaves, he txted, "thank you had a good time" I reposnd with "you're welcome"
I did not have a good or bad time. My mind is still set on the D and at this point there is nothing that will change my mind. He talked a little today about where I was thinking of moving to. I am looking for a new neighborhood. He said he would like to live closer to us-like next door, so he could come over to 'see what mama's cooking' Ha! D got a kick out of that and I just smirked. he always talks about how we are going to be great friends an neighbors. That is how I know he truly belongs in the nut house
Anyway. I feel pretty good and glad not to be hanging on every word or gesture. As a matter of fact, H and I barely interacted and I liked it like that. I felt no draw or pull towards him, and for the first time in a long time I looked at him with no attraction. Making up my mind to no longer be held hostage by my emotions and walk towards my path feels good and right. I just gotta work through the shame and anger and I will be a-ok.
