No, I haven't given her the letter yet. See, with our situation, as Kassie pointed out, there is a definite pattern. I change wait for her to notice get tired revert back to old ways she threatens divorce...repeat. We used to be extremely close but have grown very distant in the last three years. So we do not have very good communication at all. If I am doing something that she likes or does not like, she doesn't tell me. So when I make a positive change it becomes very hard for me to tell. When I do something that she doesn't like (or not do enough of what she does) I find out when she threatens divorce. At that time, I go nuts trying to make her happy and usually plead with her to reconsider. This time I am not pleading, but trying to work on the things that I need to work on to be a better person all around and not the things that I think she would want me to be doing. I think a lot of these coincide, but believe me, it is very difficult for me to not "push the envelope" and start expecting answers right away. She has gone farther than she has in the past, actually consulting a lawyer, but so far I have not been served. So I am doing everything in my power to keep it together and work on the things that I can, without pressuring her because if I pressure her I may very well pressure her out the door. I want the letter to come across as something that explains my thoughts and not something I wrote in a panic because she's talking to a lawyer about the big D. It's a fine line I'm walking too. Because if I sit steady too long I might get blindsided. But tension flairs up just enough to make the letter appear to be in response to that tension.
I don't know your situation, stillloveshim, but I can see that there was an EA involved. Will he go to a marriage councilor or coach? Be careful there too. If he wants to go then great. If he doesn't, don't pressure him too hard. I pressured my wife really hard to go to a marriage councilor and it ended up being a waste of time and money because she just sat there for an obligatory hour and we came home to business as usual. While you might be able to make him go, you can't make him participate. A coach, or the DB techniques, are brilliant because they are designed to help one person make changes that can create changes in the other.
Again, I don't know your situation, but if you're fighting that can actually be a good sign because there is still some form (granted it may be hurtful or negative) of communication. When my wife and I used to fight we actually had a better marriage. It wasn't until everything just shut down that things got horrible. We've sort of coexisted in this weird sterile but stagnant world for the past couple of years. That's hard on everybody.
As far as a note goes, it really depends on the note and the reader of the note. I went out of my way to write my note as dry and straightforward as possible. I didn't fill it with "I still you" and "you complete me" stuff. Personally I think that, as hard as it may be to understand, if you give that note to someone who is wavering on their feelings towards you, it could seem like a form of pressuring.
For instance, in my note, I pointed out solid and tangible reasons why I think that our marriage can and should be saved. However, I first acknowledged her pain and made it point to show her that those feelings are important and not to be taken lightly. I approached her with an alternative to the divorce and pointed out reasons why this alternative would work in addressing BOTH of our feelings. I also pointed out that the alternative could eventually be turned to a divorce if she still felt the same afterward, but it could only strengthen the relationship that we would need to maintain for the rest of our lives due to the children. I was careful not to use the children to martyr my point or invalidate her feelings or decisions. I simply laid out a plan that I thought would be best for us and our children. Now in reality, I wanted to write that I still loved her very deeply and that I couldn't understand how she could do this. But she already knows all of that and to have there in writing would only badger the point.
