first time on this site hoping for some good advice. my story is of decite and lies. i had an affair on my wife and it lasted for close to a year. it started back in late 07 untill early this year. i have severelly betrayed the one true love of my life. over the past year she has tried to forgive me and asked me to come back and i didnt cause i was so afraid of what the outcome may have been down the road. well december of this past year we signed the seperation papers and gone our seperate ways sort of speak. the whole time during the affair i had never stopped loving her but had a problem telling her that. together we have a daughter 5 who i love and cherish so much and cant belive ive done this to her. at this current moment im trying everything in my power to come home and be a loving father,and husband but she doesnt want anything doing with that.i know that i am the bad guy and that ive hurt her more than once.im currently seeking help to get myself better and show her that ive changed and love her till no end. if any one has advice for me it would greatly appreciated thank you
First welcome to DB. I know it takes alot to come here and admit that you made mistakes. I appreciate that. It is good that you understand how much you hurt your W.
Right now it sounds as if your W needs to time to process everything that is happening. You may have to face that it is too late, but right now focus on you. Here at DB we have a phrase, believe nothing you hear and half of what they do. We weigh changes by actions and not by words.
If you love your wife as you say you do, I would listen to her. She is asking for you to back off. Give her space. Think how you felt when she was always asking you to come home, to stop the affair. It might have pushed you further away. You are doing this to her now.
Focus on becoming the best person that you can be. What things do you need to change within yourself to become that person? I will be honest, it will take a lot of hard work, but if you really love her, you need to do it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
The key to this DB approach is to realize that there is really very little in life that we can control other than ourselves, and thus we must work on ourselves and our own problems, to get those in order, before we can even hope to mend the rift between us and our estranged spouses. More importantly, we must learn from the mistakes and the choices we have made that caused our marriages to fail, not so much to win our spouses back, but so that we will grow from this experience even if our spouses never respond. We may not succeed in winning our spouses back , but we will at the least become better people despite our failures.
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i know that i am the bad guy and that ive hurt her more than once.im currently seeking help to get myself better and show her that ive changed and love her till no end.
If you are seeing counseling for personal issues, that is good. Whatever those issues are, keep getting the help you need. This is as much for the benefit of your daughter as for anyone else. No matter what ultimately happens between you and your wife, your daughter just needs to know she is loved fully and equally by both parents.
. I pray you stay strong on your course to help your M, if it took a year to separate it might take a yr or more to get her back, so don't loose hope, she is prob very hurt and needs time to process it all. She cant just welcome you with open arms right now, she might've been trying to move on and believe you guys were appart for good. You can tell her you've changed all you want but she wont' believe it until she sees it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
First welcome to DB. I know it takes alot to come here and admit that you made mistakes. I appreciate that. It is good that you understand how much you hurt your W.
Right now it sounds as if your W needs to time to process everything that is happening. You may have to face that it is too late, but right now focus on you. Here at DB we have a phrase, believe nothing you hear and half of what they do. We weigh changes by actions and not by words.
If you love your wife as you say you do, I would listen to her. She is asking for you to back off. Give her space. Think how you felt when she was always asking you to come home, to stop the affair. It might have pushed you further away. You are doing this to her now.
Focus on becoming the best person that you can be. What things do you need to change within yourself to become that person? I will be honest, it will take a lot of hard work, but if you really love her, you need to do it.
Thanks for the words of wisdom kat. You said not to push the attemp to come home but im afraid if i let it go it will be too late and she will find some one else and i will have lost her to another man. I have feeling deep down inside me she wants to get back but is terrified af being let down and hurt again and trust me that is the last thing on my mind.
Thanks and i have learned from my mistakes and still learning. W and I have been talking a bit more some fighting and some very good. i know she is still hurting inside and at this very moment I know how that feeling is and I hate it and cant believe i did this to her. I feel i let everyone in my life down.
The best thing for you to do now is to back off of your W and give her space. No arguments, no talking about your relationship, no pressure. I know you fear losing her, which can certainly happen and (to be honest) is fairly likely, but I can guarantee you that if you press your W you will push her away, perhaps permanently. Stop chasing her.
Focus on improving your own self. Get your own house in order, so to speak. Self improvement. GAL means Get A Life -- develop your own life, rediscover yourself through your activities. Find your purpose in life and the kind of man you are and the kind of man you need to be.
I am not saying go off and forget your wife, but for your own sake, more-so than hers, you need to be the person she fell in love with. Like metal, you need to refine yourself in the fires of adversity and temper your personality.
Just be a friend to your W now, with no strings, no expectations on your part. Expect nothing from her at this point, but be her friend. On those times she puts you off, holds you at arms length, don't press. Just be.
Most of all, you need to realize that you have a great blessing in your daughter. She should be the focus of your desire to improve yourself. She needs a good, strong, selfless father in her life. Even if your W never returns to you, you should strive to be the best person you can be, for your daughter's sake.
