Hi PM and NW, Well...S11 and I went to look at the other place that was offered - and it would have been great if I were single and looking to live a bachelor's lifestyle...but that's not where I am...so we decided to go for the first place (sans pool) instead. My S11 preferred the first place, he said, because of the proximity to the pool and the calmness of the neighborhood...it's a very, very quiet area - which is good for when I'm working at home trying to write - and even more important when it comes to taking the kids out for a walk, etc.
S11 were just playing in the house - all the lights off - playing tag...and I walked into S2's bedroom to hide...and a photo of B holding S2 slipped off a bookshelf...I held it for a moment - and realized how much I used to love her...how much I would have done for us...but looking at the photo, remembering when it was taken, I knew that she was already lost to me then...and it made my heart ache just a bit to remember the reality of my baby boy growing up in two separate homes - of having that happen again...Looking at the picture I could see that B is a beautiful woman - but the picture doesn't say anything about how her anger or her way of treating my older son and me so poorly.
It's exciting to have the apartment - and I'm looking forward to being in a smaller place - though I have to admit that it is making me sad to feel all this just dying away...
I suppose I'm totally dark...though I've not explicitly said so before. I don't talk with her at all unless I absolutely have to - and that's only about my baby boy. Perhaps she is in a fog, perhaps she isn't, I just don't know any more - and don't take the time to think about it at all. She does what she does with her life and I do what I have to do with mine - and we talk only when it affects our son. So I still love her? Yes. I think I always will - but knowing that is very different from wanting to act on it or preserve anything with her. Since she dropped the bomb she's made it very clear to me that she thinks all of our problems stem from me - and she's always made it very clear that she doesn't want to be with someone like me. I've accepted that - and accepting it has also helped me see many of the ways in which my staying attached to her were so very harmful for me.
A smile in a picture cuts out the rest of a memory...along the edges of the photograph were the conflicts and the anger, the accusations and the distance...we don't take pictures of those moments...so we can't pick them up and see them so easily - but they're there...in me, in the space beyond the edges of the image...
I know you, my friends here, think I'm strong and moving through this with a lot of positive energy and strength - and I try to most of the time - and I think I succeed most of the time...but I do have my moments, like now, when the sadness of the situation just pummels me - and all I feel is the loss...though I guess that's how I process the loss, by feeling it and letting it go...there is no other way through it...and it is painful to lose someone we love, even if that person was unhealthy for us to love.
After I move and things get settled a bit more financially I plan on moving forward with the formal separation agreement. I had already mentioned as much to B, but she never responded - and never answered any of my questions about custody, finances, etc...nothing...not even my question to her about whether or not she would agree to mediation rather than a costly divorce...she has this habit of just ignoring anything I ask her that she doesn't want to deal with - it's very aggravating - and childish...
Okay...time to make dinner for my S11 and me...and time to put on some beautiful music to pull more of these emotions from my trembling heart...I'm okay...I'm just feeling the emotions I have to feel in order to let go of this home...and in order to move on with the next phase of my life...some changes can make even the most hopeful soul shudder.
