\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[AFWAW]

I'm starting to tend to agree but once again, I don't have any proof of that and don't intend to follow her around. She has not brought her computer back over so I think a keylogger is out of the question now. I may never know. If she's guilty, I hope she really feels guilty everyday. So much that it consumes her. I have gotten to the point where I have accepted that she's going to move out. I'm still having a hard time with what I'm going to do day by day while I'm off work. Kinda of scared of what the future holds so I don't want to spend a lot of money. It's weird having my own money again. I haven't spent very much since I've been home and it's strange to see a good portion of my paycheck still in the account. She asked if she could use my computer last night. I said sure. She was in plain sight of me the whole time and she was looking a dishes and crap on amazon.

I did tell her I wasn't interested in dating of course but not in those words. You are right. I need to nip that. The next time she brings it up, I will say in no uncertain terms that I don't want to hear that again.

[Phoenixdeux]

Also, no more, "I'd be glad to have you back" type comments and "I'll forgive you no matter what". She feels like the best thing since sliced bread. All these guys acting like she's the sh@t. Well, guess what? She has issues too. She isn't all that. You need to help her realize, through your actions, that you aren't just hers if she snaps her fingers.

[Mellenmack]

Ahh...it's such a fine line to walk. You have to decide. Do you want to be married or do you want to be right? I think you did need to give her a way back in. She opted not to take it. She knows it's there. Let it go. I know it's hard.

John, what I finally realized this weekend is that i have to let God handle this one. Lord, please don't let me sound preachy. That is not me. I believe unconditionally in God, absolutely. But do I go to church? No. Doesn't mean I don't believe, just means I have my own way. I needed so bad to be able to do something to make this M work, that I was doing EVERYTHING and NOTHING was working. Finally, Sunday morning in class, the prof tells me I have a good heart, that I'm still a good person. I want to cry but I don't. It occurs to me that maybe it's not God's will. Maybe if I would get out of the dang way, God's plan could unfold. Realize this is only day two of this plan. So I haven't had time to break down in it yet. Going to try not to. Maybe if I get out of the way, trying to make my H see things can be different, God can show him in his heart that things can be different. And if not, then it's not how things were supposed to be. There's a better plan. And I trust in that. I trust that God will do the right thing for this family, even though it may not be what I want. I was calmer after that.

Went to see the C today. She could tell the difference as I retold an argument H and I had last night. She mentioned there are three people in us. The adult, the parent, and the child. When we are mad or hurt, the first person to usually come out is the child. And we react like the child. We need to try and make the adult come out first. Or at least keep the kid shutup til the adult can get there. Ask ourselves...what would the adult do?

Good luck.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Yeah, I hear you loud and clear Melissa. I didn't cry one time today. Just didn't feel like it for some reason. The wife spent most of the day here. She talked a little about the R but not much. Started w/ the dating thing again and I told her I wasn't interested in dating and didn't want to talk about it anymore. She said, well I know you have needs. I said do you have needs? She said she's not interested in sex? I said really, not ever? She said no, not for a couple of years now--interesting but makes sense as she hasn't been that into it---more of a giver than receiver. Said maybe one day she would be interested but not now--hmmmmn. She took my daughter to get her eyebrows waxed and refused to go to counseling today. I reminded her that she had agreed to go and she said she had gone and didn't feel the need to return. Ok I said and went by myself. The C said it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants based on previous interactions/conversations I've had with her since I've been home. I said, well she seems pretty confident with the moving out bit. She said, for now maybe and asked how long I would be willing to wait? That is a damn good question I said back. I haven't really considered that yet. I do love her but how long would I wait depends on a lot of things I guess. I hope I don't have to make that decision anytime soon. Also told the C about how the wife bought a washer and dryer while I was gone--it just came in and the wife said go get it, I will pay for it. Also asked me if I wanted a expensive blender I wanted a while back--I told her not to worry about. C said it sounds like she is feeling bad about her decision and trying to make it better w/ giving me material things. I don't know--it's all so confusing and frustrating.

Melissa, I guess if I had to pick, I am the adult today. Sounds like you are too. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

John

[AFWAW]

Phoenixdeux,
Very good points. I agree w/ you. I have been too easy about this. I guess I suffer from nice guy syndrome. She is paying for her stuff in her apartment. I actually feel weird because most of my paycheck is still in the bank and not gone a day after payday.
Another excellent point w/ the When I feel all set by myself, maybe then I'll be ready to date." She has not officially moved into her apartment but she will be by the end of the month. Once that happens, all bets are off as far as what I do and when I do it. She needs to decide what she wants to do. I asked her to wait 2-3 months to make sure this is what she really wants. If she comes to me and says it is then I will let her go. I don't want to start over but I don't want to be a doormat either. I think she does have a lot of issues to work out as well regarding finding herself.

[SarahG]

Thank you for what you do.

This really is lame but you gotta do what everyone says to do. There is nothing less attractive than a needy man. It is dumb, you have every right to feel all the feeling you have. And acting like you are completely in control will work better.

For my situation, the more I backed off, the more time my h was stuck to think about things. While I was on him in terms of wanting to talk, all his attention was focused on dealing with me. The silence of time to think produced results. I am separated - the space has been good actually as divorce would have been a 100% had we stayed together because things were heated. --- Not to say that this is the case with you, but if you can't control the separation it does not have to mean the end. Act like a friend, a very in control confident friend. Even though you are going through hell.

well, that's my 2 cents. I have not saved my marriage yet so feel free to discard!

[AFWAW]

Sarah,
Thank you. You are right of course. I have been very needy over the course of my relationship and while it was not I that have chosen to end it, this most likely was a deciding factor for my wife with regard to our marriage. I will certainly not discard any advice or encouragement that I recieve on this forum. I like that. Act like a friend, a very in control confident friend. I was actually assertive with my wife about something yesterday when she made a suggestion to me that I would take care of it. She said, if you are trying to be assertive with me, it's too late. I just smiled.

[spellfire]

You are not being assertive with her, you are being assertive for you, and it's never too late.

[AFWAW]

Spellfire,
Well put. I took my daughter out today. We ate lunch and saw a movie. She also helped me pick out some new pants that fit since I lost all this weight in the desert. Nice relaxing day, nobody angry with anyone. I think some of my hair turned black? I only thought of the wife one time during the day. Started getting angry about it and realized it wouldn't do any good. I also happened to pick up hold on to your nuts. Plan to read some tonight after I run for a bit. The wife called after I got home. I let it ring 3 times. I don't want her thinking I'm sitting by the phone. I asked if she wanted to speak with my daughter and she said sure. She didn't talk long. My daughter said she couldn't talk because she had dental work? My daughter said why did she even call if she can't talk? I tried not to laugh but couldn't help it. So this is what it feels like to do what you want all day and not have to answer to anyone for it. Hmmmmmmm. When and if my wife returns home this is one thing that is going to change as I am far too relaxed.

[Mellenmack]

John,

I am giggling at you waiting three whole rings before you answered. I am the same way and would have done the exact same thing. lmao. But the "harder" I get...the more I am willing to think, uh-uh, if you really need me, bud, leave a message and I'll call you back when it's convenient for me. Convenient for me, by the way, is when I call him, and never when he calls me.

Now do I follow that advice. You know the answer to that.

But we haven't talked at all since yesterday morning, so hey, it's almost 48 hours now. So I fully expect to get something either tomorrow or Thursday that says basically, "hey stranger, where have you been"...

ahhhh....."this is the life of an average Jane..ninety miles an hour down a dead end lane on tank of dreams...oh if she could have only seen That fates has cards that it don't want to show And that boy is just a walkaway Joe"...

She called to make sure you were home. So that she can feel better.

You ever go to Gulf Shores and eat at Lulu's?

Melissa