WAW: Watching & Waiting (part deux)

[Bridgestone]

You strike me as a highly controlling person. Perhaps I'm wrong and you do really want a dog, although in human form.

I think you & are saying the same thing.. I don't want a dog.. that was my point to start with. I don't want to control someone else's behaviour through reward & punishment. They need to be responsible for their own actions AND be self aware enough to recognize how their action affect them & others in their lives.

I think you are reading my stuff wrong.. I was asking Tim about 'rewarding' my H's behaviour and make the analogy of rewarding a dog. I DON"T WANT to DO this, just to get a repeat of the behaviour. I want him to understand WHY that action typifies a deeper understanding of what I find kind, compassionate, caring... and for it to matter to HIM, so HE chooses to continue to do it without the reward as a compassionate caring partner in my life.

Does it sound controlling to state what I want my partner to do? I want him to understand... I want him to choose... I want it to matter to him... is that what sounds controlling??

As this discussion has progressed it seems to have taken on a life of it's own and it's not bringing out the point I wanted it to when it started, as I'm responding to "out of context" points that are not what I think.

There might be some that would consider me controlling. I know my H has called me that in the past. But as his IC told us in MC.. most abusive men he has worked with blame their wives 'controlling behaviour' for their abusive outbursts & actions.

I have grown & changed, I can control my environment, I can't/shouldn't control others. However, I will do what I need, within my own personal values, to provide myself personal safety... that includes leaving an abusive situation.

Is it possible your H was't able to articulate his feelings very well and when you tried to control him (consciously or sub) his reaction was less than appropriate to and towards you?

Yeah.. the verbal & physical abuse was less than appropriate, as was my managing his emotions so the kids & I were emotionally 'safe'.

I'm wondering if a relationship is possible if only one direction like that.

Nope.. that is one of the reasons why I left, me working on me and him not working on him, getting healthy, was just one way..

I was outgrowing him...it frustrated him more (because I wasn't taking his blame anymore for his core hurts) bringing out the rage even more.. eventually deteriorting into physical restraint & abuse...these are his words BTW, not mine.

Responsibility is a tough thing, I know. I realize that you have to have two people in the relationship that are both trying. I realize that it can feel like you are even if you are not.

Are you implying I"m not? Trying what? Intimidation? Threats? Guilt? Growth? Compassion? "trying" is very vague.

In my own situation, my W and her brother and mother all have a tendency to look for the one negative to justify their reasons for their behavior. She's done it. It surprised her when I changed that behavior. It was negative behavior on my part. I'm not perfect and I'm not beyond changing.

If you don't know 'why' you changed it, then she just 'trained' you... and for the WAS, the fear that the change is just training, because of punishment (WAS leaving) or for the reward (the WAS returning), is a very big fear.

I don't think you're beyond changing either and I think I hear that you don't really want to leave.

Already did.

Nor do you really want your H to let you go. You fight it. You are fighting for control of not just yourself but of him from the sound of it.

Nope.. I'm fighting the inevitable inertia & chaos that sends me spinning back into old destructive patterns. I'm fighting the urge to wallow in my core hurts and be resentful. I'm fighting to be compassionate, kind, empathetic, assertive, without being co-dependent.

Did I miss something you've already stated? Did I miss what's going on?

I don't know I'm not a mind reader, nor do I play one on TV... I have 3 threads.. not sure how far you have gotten??

Peace
Bridge