Thanks so much for checking in on me. It means a lot! I felt a need to take a break from posting for a while but I've been thinking about all your questions and observations! I'm having fun getting ready for my audition in Boston in 2 weeks--I went ahead and bought my plane ticket. I've been working on performing from memory (which is a new thing for me but part of the audition) and performed in front of my studio on thursday and it went AWESOME. Also, an aquaintance of mine from school asked me to come play with his orchestra in thailand at the end of may/beginning of june?!! It is a long shot at this point because I would have to buy my own plane ticket and also conflicts with something else I was planning to do but, exciting. Also, I just got an email from this amazing balinese composer I collaborated with when I used to be in Boston asking me if I'd be in boston in march/april, since he will be there and he's wondering if he could put me on the cello into a new piece. Again something of a long shot since I am on my lease in ATl through the end of March and was planning to stay in ATL through the spring, but so exciting, because he mentioned this project to me in 2006 and I've been hoping it would really happen someday. If we don't collaborate on this piece of his we could do another one in the future, but it's exciting!!
On Thursday I went to yoga class and did an exciting new pose for the first time--where you sort of lunge forward and then touch the back of your head with your foot! I didn't get my foot all the way to my head but I could feel my ponytail on my foot and I thought, wow, I am so close! YAY!! I went out for fish tacos afterwards with some yoga ladies and it was so nice to be hanging out with new friends! One of the ladies asked me to be part of a yoga photo story she was doing and I felt really flattered.
On Friday I called B in the afternoon. He picked up and said hello, how are you doing, I am actually in a bow shop right now, and I told him I was just calling to thank him for the CD. He said, yeah, I haven't listened to it all the way through but I heard from some other people that it was pretty bad (meaning, the compositions, not his own playing). I laughed a little and admitted I didn't get through the last piece (which he wasn't involved in at all) but that I listened to the tracks he was on twice. I told him that the violins sounded great, that my favorite part was the last movement which sounded like it would be good for a dance, and that I liked how the electronics were used to connect the western and chinese instruments. He said that he got a couple free copies and he thought I might find some inspiration in it because of how it was combining classical music with another tradition (OK, *that's* why he sent it to me). I said it sounded like it was really hard to put together, just because it was so complicated, and he said it was and that one of the chinese players had an extrahard time because her part was so fast. I told him that the other violinist, who picked B for the project, must have really liked B because I would be really picky about including someone on a project like that. B laughed and said that he wasn't the other violinist's first choice and that the other violinist hadn't called him to work on another project yet so he wasn't so sure. This was all a little awkward because i wanted to compliment him on his work but it was obvious that he wasn't totally in love with the music, so I wanted to be positive but not dishonest (I wasn't in love with the music either). The whole time there was loud violin playing in the background, at one point I jokingly (but honestly) said, I can't hear anything you're saying because of the beautiful violin music in the background! At the end he said, "Oh--I gotta go--I'm next in line!" and I said, "Ok, bye!" and just hung up. The whole conversation was maybe, 10 minutes or less. A little bit later he texted me, "Sorry for cutting the conversation short. I hope to catch up with you soon!" I waited about an hour and then texted him back, "No prob. I'd like to talk more about your recording! I am also working on my resume for the school in Boston. you are so good at that stuff. Would you be able to look at it this weekend? If not its cool." And I haven't heard back from him. This was all on Friday.
???????
I need to go ahead and submit my application soon, so I think he missed his "chance" to help me with that! Maybe I will wait about a ... week and then call him again? I wonder if he didn't get my message or is just blowing me off/too busy to call. Whatever.
I wasn't sleeping well because i was thinking about B... now I'm just having trouble falling asleep for other miscellaneous reasons, but not because I'm thinking about B. Progress!!
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Why? Are you worried he might not respect you if you did so? IMHO it's entirely reasonable to be confused about what career route to take after graduating.
Thank you for saying "believe in yourself and brilliance will follow." I think I need to post that somewhere in my apartment! I think I am afraid he will be overwhelmed by the depth of my existential confusion (which has abated somewhat) if I really open up to him about it. There is a lot of self-doubt and frustration inside me.
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Are you really wondering WHY he wants you to know about the website, or am I misreading because of the way text comes over on the page?
The reason I'm wondering about the website is--I think on one level he is just trying to include me in what's going on. On another level I have studiously avoided looking at any of his online stuff, even though he's told me about his website, blog, etc because I am afraid of stumbling upon evidence of an OW, or looking at his facebook and seeing that it says "in a relationship" or something. So part of me is afraid that if he is with someone else, he would try to let me know by indirectly directing me to look at his facebook or something, instead of just telling me! Maybe he thinks I've already looked at it and already know! This is of course all in my head!!!
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T, Lovely, would you not say that you're happy? What would happiness look like to you? How will you know when you ARE happy if you're not? Maybe we could write some happy goals (much more fun than any other type of goal.... \:\) )
When I posted that awhile back I was feeling really unhappy, but I am feeling happier now--I think I was completely in my head and struggling to solve my problems with my mind instead of just tending to my everyday present moment and having the next step bloom out of that. What happiness would look like: I am in a place that I want to be, I'm financially secure, I am doing music that I am excited about, I have good friends that I spend time with, I am happy with my living situation, I am excited about how I spend my time everyday, I am planning fun adventures. Something like that. Right now I am in a pretty uncertain transitional place, if that makes sense!
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I also wondered, are you still DBing? Is the plan still to reconcile with B?
I would say...yes. But part of me is sort of like, "I'm not sure about this guy." I think I am learning to actually put myself first instead of trying to make myself look happy to be more attractive to him. I am also questioning whether what I am doing is "working", I feel like it's brought me this far but I am not sure there is any movement, and I feel like I need new tools or a new approach. I also feel like I need to take care of other things ... like my own life... right now. Which might be the new approach I need??
Thank you for being such a good question asker!!! I'm sorry it took me soooo long to write you back!!!
((((Mischka))) thanks so much for your encouragement and advice!!
(((Julia))) you know, I didn't even *get* the chinese music/chinese new year connection until you pointed it out!!! LOL!!!! you are so clever. thanks for checking in on me. I hope everything works out and your complexion is flawless by the time you meet with H!
(((Ali))) thanks for your thoughts!!! Unfortunately there weren't any kisses at the end, that's just me blanking out his name. Geez I need to come up with a new technique, I think Essie thought the same thing when I did it a couple months back.
((((Essie)))) If you are reading, I just want to know that I am thinking of you and wondering where you are and if you're OK!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had your email or facebook so I could send you a little note. I hope your trip to SE Asia was amazing, I want to hear all about it! I also have a ton of thoughts about your sitch, but nowhere to post them since your thread has locked!!!!
I am reading. I just don't have much to say to you.I think you are an incredible young woman that should be enjoying life as much as possible at the moment. Seize the day (right?)... Love K
Hi T! I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I moved to Montclair! Wasnt that the town you played in while in NJ? If you come here again, I could probably walk there! Hope all is well with you.
You sound great. Isn't it amazing how life goes on?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I don't have time to post a long reply right now but wanted to say that I read your long post replying to me and all my questions (sorry about that!) and I'll write a fuller response later in the week.
Hope you're having a super-fabulously transformering day
((((beth)))) congratulations on your move! was that very far from where you were before? I'm glad to see you and hear about your journey. I was actually in Chatham, which was about 20-30 minutes away. if I'm there in june it would be fun to meet you!
(((((od)))))) thanks sweet friend! I'm eager to hear your thoughts when it's a good time for yout o type them. I love your questions, please don't refrain from asking them!
