WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)

Did the beg/cry/plead/pursue/implore thing the first 2 weeks since she hit me with the divorce filing on Jan 9th. I also did the other things during that time period. I realized through this forum, as well as frank assessment of my situation, this hurt my attempts more. I spent the following week or so doing damage control

I'm still working on the calls piece of it - although now I wait until she text, emails or calls me first. Then I wait about 15-20 minutes before I respond - either with a text, email or call. Although I do answer when she calls.

I did stop the I Love You's once I realized what it was doing to her. I don't think she has even noticed. Very sad

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

Never did this - was tempted, but knew better

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness andbeing clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

I'm struggling with these 2. I still do 7, although it has dropped off to about once/week. I have the urge to do 8, and know I blew it with V-Day over the weekend (just did what I normally did) and know that with her B-Day coming up in 2 weeks I'm going feel the need to get her something (most likely a DVD season of Lost as that's what we've been watching every nite during our "Quality Time")

10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.

I don't intend on doing this, but part of our Quality time she shows me stuff on her facebook page. So I'm not sure if it's spying, but I did ask her about a message a guy posted that I thought was suspicious. I'll spare the details that I posted on page 10 of this thread, but she was mad that at such a ridculous accusation as she thought she would have to be an idiot to have something that public posted

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

I just started focusing on these over the last 2 weeks and seem to be getting better response. 14 is tough for me as I don't have may friends outside of our friends (they are all married with kids and don't know what's going on). I am working on getting a life - it very slow going.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class.

During our dinner times, she's apt to start the conversations. When it's just our time (no kids), she's a little more reluctant. I usually try to ask open ended questions (not yes or no) or start with a question on something light.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!

I had done this before the divorce filing. I have stopped since I knew it was something she hated (part of the controlling issue she had)

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse

She sees and is proud of my changes, but she can't get past the hurt/pain she feels to want me as a husband. Very painful to hear and she knows it. I keep telling her I am changing to make myself a better person. I don't think she fully believes it's just for me and I know she's skeptical if it's real/permanent.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)

I try to be supportive and attentive and as loving as she will let me without "violating" the pursuing rule. I've told her and she sees that she has my undivided attention and that she sees that she is important to me (things that she hadn't felt for several years) - the lyrics to "Buy me a rose" really summarizes how she felt (she wrote it in a card for me last year) - of course I completely dismissed/missed what she was asking.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.

I've been trying to maintain a postive and upbeat attitude. It's hard, but blogging/venting/getting support from this forum helps

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

This is especially hard as we have a custody hearing on Feb 24th.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

I had a backslide 2 weeks ago where I let her pull me into an argument. I appologized in the morning, but I know I lost some trust/belief because of it. It almost happened again last week, as I felt she was baiting me for an argument, but I composed myself so I validated, acknowledged and empathized with her instead.

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.

This is especially hard on me as I'm not patient to begin with but with the divorce filing, it will be official in 98 weeks. Sounds like a long time, but to me, it's painfully short.

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse

I've really been focusing on these the last three or so weeks (I'm just starting week 6). She told me last Monday that she was really proud of my changes and sees that I'm more relaxed now. Yet in the same conversation she says that she just can't see loving me as a husband as I hurt her so badly. Very painful.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.

I'm bad with this as I had gotten used to all the hugs/touches (my primary love language) that she had given me. I feel like my tanks are emptying so quickly.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse.
35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I have struggled with these as my emotions swings on her every word and action. I know I need to stay in control and calm and positive. I have asked for reassurances if the changes are noticable/good in her eyes. It's hard to stop as my secondary love language is verbal. I know I need to stay focused.

Thank you for putting everything back in front of me to get me focused again.