WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

CIPA, Make one of your goals to not kiss her and to get your wife to give you a kiss. Try it.
Cheers

If you mean try it by don't give her one and wait for her, I guess I can give it a try. At times I think what I'm doing is getting through to her (if you read my post on page 10, it covers the radical ups and downs that I am experiencing), but then more often than not, the brutal reality hits me when she goes right back to WAW mode.

I've already stopped the I love you - and I don't think it has even registered in her mind. I think part of it is that she gets all the love and affection she wants/needs from the kids. It actually hurts me to see how affection and playful she is with the kids. I hate to say it, but I am jealous - particularly when they interupt the rare moments I think we may be connecting (but I need to remind myself that I am most likely imagining them out of wishful thinking).

She said that she had made her decision back in Sept and had wanted to let it sit in her head for 3-4 months before she actually filed. She said she tried to tell me 3 times, but she knew it didn't register as she could tell it went right through me. I knew something was off during the holidays, but I didn't ask. I just tried to overanalyze and rationalize it. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I did ask. I will never know.

My therapist is worried that I am going to try so hard that I will extinquish any love I have for her and it will impact my relationship with our kids. It's hard to believe, but it's just as hard for me to believe my wife would want to leave me. But she does and that's the reality.

I know I just need to keep trying to be the best person I can be and not shut down again, although at times I feel like it will be easiest so I won't feel anything again. But that would be the wrong thing to do. I still have 98 weeks to try before the divorce she filed happens.

It is hard to keep trying... but I must.

Thanks for all the support