Trying flirting on for size!

[ACJ]

Had a MAJOR melt down yesterday. I don't know about H revisiting previously felt emotions but I sure as hell am in a big way.

V day it was my brother's 40th and D13 and I went with his family and my parents for a meal. It was very nice and for the first time in years the awkwardness that always seemed to exist did not appear to be there.

Yesterday my nephew but on a CD belonging to my mother. It was Cat Stevens Greatest Hits. As soon as 'Father & Son' came on I welled up with tears as when I listened to the words it made me remember how H was not there for my S16 when he first hit adolescence. I have virtually not stopped crying since

When I got home an email from Hs aunt in Australia awaited me and in it she told me how another of his aunts (maternal, she is fraternal) had said how 'wonderful' she thought OW was for taking in a 16 yr old boy. That just set me off big time b/c this particular maternal aunt has been very supportive and knows exactly how I feel about S16 living with H and OW. It just about finished me off.

This morning I looked like I'd been in a car crash my eyes are so swollen.

Mid morning I realised I had a missed call on my mobile. I'd been trying to reach someone who didn't know me so I thought it was them trying to contact me back so I rang the number. Turns out it was H. I was really hesitant when he answered the phone and thought perhaps he had dialled my number by mistake. He hadn't!

He started off by telling me how S16 seems to have settled down and that like me he is disappointed that he has given up studying for his physics exam. He said S16 didn't really consult him either. Then he went onto his real reason for calling He said his solicitor was telling him to pull out of negotiations as nothing seemed to be happening and that he should just let it all go to court. Apparently they had called my Ls and they had told them they were still waiting for me to send some paperwork back. I quite literally had that very same paperwork in my hand ready to post when I rang him back. So I told him that. I also told him that the problems with the mortgage were out of my hands as it was the mortgage company who were messing things up. He thanked me for the information and said in that case he wouldn't pull out of negotiations as he didn't really want to do that anyway.

Just like the last time we spoke a couple of weeks ago he was nicem reasonable and understanding. I'm finding that waaaaaaaaaay harder to handle than the nastiness. I know he is only doing it to get what he wants but it really is getting to me.

I backslid way way way way back. After I had posted the paperwork I sent him a TM saying I had posted it. I told him that a D is still not what I want but that if it makes him happy then so be it. I said it was better that one of us was happy rather than both of us being miserable. I asked him to try and encourage S16 to spend more time with me. I knew I wouldn't get an answer and I haven't. I know I shouldn't have told him how I feel but I did. I didn't tell him I love him even though I do. I didn't tell him how much this still hurts even though it does.

What a mess.