Stacy, thanks for the post. The reason that I hang around on weekends is that I want to make life as normal as possible for the kids. I don't want to make things worse for them. So I hang around and act 'as if' we are a happy family. The kids feel relaxed, H and I don't fight, we act civil and I try to show H that home is safe and that I am not about to make him eat dirt every time he comes near. So I have many reasons to stay around, for kids, for H to feel safe about coming home and for me to feel some sort of normalcy and peace. My IC and DB coach suggested that I take some time away when he is with kids and I have. It has backfired in that he gets so mad at me for leaving. Gives me dirty looks and snaps at me when I come home. Acting all high and might like he has to do EVERYTHING when I am the one with the kids all week. I don't want to live with that tension anymore so after about five/six tries, I haven't tried it again. But I know our C wants it in our agreement that he will have the kids to himself every second Sunday. So we will see how that works. then the other Sundays would be 'family days'.
Hope, when I threated my H with exposure he exploded. He threatened never to talk with me again and to make everything as ugly as possible. That is not what I want, even if we D, I want an amicable D because I value peace above all else. I don't want to turn into a bitter resentful person because of this. I want to be a better person, not one who wants revenge. And I did try the absence thing. A couple of months after I found out about A, I left for two months to stay with my family to take a break from the conflict. I took the kids during summer. During that time, he went out with OW, and lived the bachelor life, he loved it. At the end of that time he told me that he was so happy living without me. I was crushed. So no in fact, for my H, the heart did not grow fonder. It had the opposite effect. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him for good and he said that he would support whatever decision I made. He would like me to take the kids far away so he could be absolved of all responsibility of his actions and can tell the world that I left HIM. So I did exactly opposite of what he wanted. I came home and stayed put. I did not vacate my position as wife. He moved out a second time and did not talk about R at all since then.
Carlos, thanks for your questions. I think the reason that I want my H has mainly to do with me, not with him particularly. I am very very old-fashioned. I believe in commitment and vows and love. I believe that unless there is serious abuse (which there isn't in our case) that there is no obstacle big enough to that two people can't overcome. That love often does flow and ebb. That relationships are not perfect ALL the time. That love is not about what my H is offering to me or fulfilling in me but what I can do for him and what we together can do for our family and our extended families. I don't look at M as a sum like an accountant. What is he doing for me? Am I getting my money's worth? I look at it from the angle of 'I have made a commitment for life, I want the best for all of our families. I would like to work on this together and please each other and everyone else.' More of a communal love than a one person filling the needs of another.
Call me silly but I was very much in love with my H and still am, just not this lying cheating man. When he called, I'd get excited to hear about his day. When he came home, I would want to be with him and just BE. I don't ask for very much, I am not a very demanding wife. I just like being with him and being his companion and that is what I miss most about him now. His companionship. I am not afraid of being alone. I have always done things by myself. Had friends that were mine and played sports by wihtout him, had my own hobbies. But I miss being with him. I liked him. He was my best friend, I liked to share with him. I don't know this depressed, angry man he has become and I don't know if it's just MLC but I miss the man that I knew.
I don't miss our negative interactions, they were few and far in between but it was more than he could take. H hated any sort of conflict or confrontation. I believe in talking things out so there were no misunderstandings. I think if we knew where we stood and neither of us meant any harm then we could get past so many issues. He just saw the conflicts as signs of unhappiness on my part and he felt helpless and inadequate to 'make me happy'. I just wanted him to listen and understand. Classic 'Men are from Mars...' stuff. I read that book but he never bothered so when I tried to explain he just brushed it off as 'pop psychology' and didn't bother. I just saw that as another attempt on my part to reach out to him and another rebuff from him and his lack of interest in improving our R. so the more I reached out, the more he withdrew and the more frustrated I got. We hardly had any arguments, maybe three or four times a year but he couldn't handle them. So that's it. Whew, he is gone.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09