Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

Hi,

A few people have asked me how my sitch is progressing, so thought I'd give an update. I don't post much anymore, because I don't feel like there is so much to post these days.

On the homefront, things have been mostly quiet since getting back from the vacation. There has been no R talk at all, and I think this is now a record amount of time for my H to go without bringing things up. The last time he said anything was mid-December, so we're on about 2 months now with no mention of the "situation". I am settling back into the M, and I no longer spend every day panicking. I do panic some still, but it doesn't fill my days. I'm still really unhappy with where we are living, and I think H is too, but his job is going really well so I think this may be a sticking point in the not too-distant future.

H was/still is textbook MLC in some ways I'd say, though he didn't fit the complete mold. He didn't get involved with other women, but I am fairly certain that he enjoyed flirting and being "single". He has questioned everything in his life, said he was never happy, blamed me, blamed his mother etc. He is going to IC regularly though, every week, and I think this is having an impact on him. We don't talk about it at all, beyond him asking me to put the costs in the budget. In the DB book, MWD says that when your H does return (after MLC) things will likely not be a bed of roses right away. I guess for me H's return is more psychological than physical, but the same applies. I have had no apologies, no acknowledgment of what happened/how it made me feel, and no offer to talk through what he has been dealing with. I think that I will be OK without rehashing the past if it comes down to it, but it is still very early days. I still think we are in the place where my H is incapable of dealing with/acknowledging my feelings, so in many ways I feel as though I am the adult in our M still, and I really step back in so many ways for H to get the space he seems to need to deal with his own issues. He still gets "snappy" at things that there are no reason to get annoyed at, but I am working very hard to keep doing my 180s, and when he is irritable, getting annoyed without cause etc., I usually just end the conversation, validate, or ignore the rude part and pay attention only to the rest. It does seem to work.

People reading this might wonder if I'm settling as I now have an R where I am doing most of the work emotionally (H is mainly working on himself), and not seeing massive returns. I don't feel like I am settling. I feel like the DB tools can help us get back to the point where our WAS is willing to work on things again, but from there the hard work starts. I am seeing small steps forward from H in terms of the R. For example he brought me a gift from his business trip when he got home on Friday. He is using future talk regularly now, and the future talk is getting progressively further out. He compliments me more than he had in months, and does not lose his temper like he used to do. I guess my point with all of this, is that I am in it for the long-haul. I think it may take a very long time for thing to be great between us, but I think a great marriage is worth the time and effort.

I will try to post a bit more regularly, and at some point probably actually will move to piecing, but I am still not sure that is where I belong yet. I'd rather be cautious still at this point.

Hope all is well with everyone,
ITH