it can be done in a nonthreatening tone. It doesn't have to be cease and desist or else.
Absolutely. You can approach this any way you want. I think your email idea is a good one...your W seems to feel comfortable communicating to you in this way. I also think wrapping it in the context of IC might be a good way to get the point across, especially since she is expecting to see results in the intimacy department through the counseling.
I think you are fully capable of putting forth the idea that "the counselor" thinks you might be "unconsciously" resisting physical connection because *you* have a difficult time trusting her with that part of you when you have insecurities over her lack of acceptance of you and her sleeping elsewhere habits. She might take offense at that at first, but if she really wants the issue to improve, it's not a difficult thing to understand.
I also think it would be a good thing to start finding ways to build respect and confidence in yourself...she'll never respect you more than you do.
You're right: it doesn't have to all or nothing unless/until you decide you want it to be. I learned a long time ago that ultimatums are absolutely ineffective with my H, and I have to say that complicates my life a lot at times. But he is who he is and I am who I am, no other R is like ours. It's my choice to find ways to work with our unique challenges. I know you are making the same choice, and it's a lot easier said than done.
