Very true Kat. Ahhhhhh I hate when this happens. I always feel like I'm doing well with DB and then H and I form a friendship and then one thing leads to another. It sometimes good when there's NC but I can't really resolve things with NC.
On another thread -- I think it was H4H's -- someone said that "I guess you need to decide if you want to just be friends, or if you want your (spouse) back." Because the strategies, tactics and techniques are VERY different (in fact, they are OPPOSITE sometimes)!
The way you don't allow him to cake-eat is to not allow him to cake-eat. It's simple. Not EASY, but simple.
My now exh was a cake eater for our entire s/d and even after. He is still trying to be, but I want nothing to do with it. IMO, save yourself. He has no respect for you. NONE. He is just thinking about his overinflated ego.
Why should he have to choose, he has the best of both worlds? I lived it. Sex will not bring an unremorseful WS home.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Had a crazy busy weekend so didn't get a chance to log into to DB. Just to clary some of the advice/points people brought up:
Startingover, thanks for your comments. But I can assure you that I am not using sex to bring my H back. Far from it. I think H and I had a good sex life so I know that sex isn't the issue why we're not together. If sex was all it took we would be happy as can be. But I know that's not it.
To be honest, I was kind of troubled by the advice that I should "save myself". I might be wrong but I thought this site and Michele's goal is to help people trying to save their marriage if possible. I have tons of people out there who gladly advice to move on forget about my M, but I looked here for people who were experiencing the same issues. And just to be practical, I think our WAS's mental state they all have "no respect" for us b/c if they did, an A would not have even happened. So, I was kind of pulled back by this advice. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for anyone to sugar coat things but I thought we were all here trying to give advice, endure the madness of our spouse, and possible save our M with PMA.
Puppy, you asked if my goal is to be friends or save my maariage. And I think its both, of course I want to save my marriage. I wouldn't even bother with DBing if I didn't want my marriage. I'm not really sure how being friends and saving my marriage is two different things though. I'm not trying to be H's best of friend right now where we talk every day, but when we do talk I want to have good conversations with him. Is that not what I should be doing, w/o the ML part.
Anyhow, with that said, I truly do think I need to exercise some self control. Believe me, I am try very hard to not pursue my H and to GAL and live my life.
Puppy, you asked if my goal is to be friends or save my maariage. And I think its both, of course I want to save my marriage. I wouldn't even bother with DBing if I didn't want my marriage. I'm not really sure how being friends and saving my marriage is two different things though. I'm not trying to be H's best of friend right now where we talk every day, but when we do talk I want to have good conversations with him. Is that not what I should be doing, w/o the ML part.
They ARE two different things. Once a D is inevitable, and you determine that the marriage is lost, I think your goal shifts to being as friendly as possible with the one with whom you're going to be co-parenting for the rest of your lives.
And when they are fully committed to the MARRIAGE, and working on it with you, under a promise of 100% no-contact and transparency, I also think you should strive to be friends, even BEST friends.
But during the DBing period, it is my personal opinion that you should be businesslike, civil, courteous . . . but not overly friendly or chatty. And certainly not BEST friend-ly. That is my personal opinion; not necessarily DB dogma. I believe as Gucci does, that your spouse responds to you as you begin to pull away.
btw, I happen to share some of your frustration about just how far we take it on these boards to "save ourselves" ... "work on US", etc. There are a million self-help books and websites that will help you do that, and I DO think that the whole purpose of this forum is to help us SAVE MARRIAGES. I think that one or two of the DB concepts -- mostly, GAL -- have been taken to the extreme and some people think that we're here to save ourselves, and whether or not our marriages get saved is collateral mending, so to speak.
I agree that there needs to be a certain distance/darkness in DB, especially to make my H miss me. And I figure he shouldn't have full access to me if he choses to not be with me. But I do try to keep a friendship with him when we do talk. We have good talks and I want to have him to remember that about me.
Yea, there is definitely a thin line between saving oneself and saving ones marriage. When times are rough there is a lot that one does endure. But I guess each of us know to how how much we are capable of bearing.
I haven't posted in a while, but I've been reading and keeping up on everyones current events. I hope things go well with commited with his wife's return.
Anyway, I decided before I try a new approach with my H that I would check in with you guys first. So I read DR and I'm now reading DB. I was up to the do a 180 section and liked what Michele said to do opposite to what I've been doing and see what happens. It got me to thinking that since dealing with H and OW all these years, I've been getting angry, making demands for H to stop, and the times we do S (except for this time) I was the one pushing H to come back home and doing all the typical things to make him come him. And like DB says he then does the total opposite and even more of it.
So I was thinking that my 180 should be to encourage H to stay out. To let him know that I think it great that he taking time to figure things out (even though I know its with OW) and that I'm enjoying having the house and time to myself. I was even thinking to tell him that its nice that he wants to be there for OW. Of course, this would definitely be a total 180 instead of fighting against the A. I plan on being happy about all this.
What do you think? Should I give it a try. I know it seems risky to me, but Michele said that 180s are risky. What do you think? Thanks.
I think 180s are supposed to be behavior/character changes...like if you were introverted/homebody, you become a social person; or if you never cleaned, your house now is spotless, or if you focused on your kids all the time, you now go out with friends, etc.
I think your 180 seems like a reverse psychology technique. No?
WDID, actually from what I gather from DB, 180s are actions and behaviors. Actions that are done to create results through trial and error. At least thats how I understand it. There are behavior/character changes that are needed for true long term effects, but I thought she said to try some new techniques to see what results we get.
She even said that some would say that 180s are reverse psych or manipulation but she said that doing more of the same unproductive things are not good practice either.
Let me know what you think. Am I totally off? I don't want to start another one of my crazy fiasco's and then realize that its wrong to do, like "OM".
