Anxious feelings rise up again. I read my recent adapted note to my mother. She liked it. What do you think?
I'm trying to 'take a little risk (yikes), be lighthearted, and be balanced (with A).
Hey, I was thinking that I’d really like it if you and I got together soon over lunch, dinner, popcorn…whatever…just for fun.
I know we both really enjoy our lives and the friends we have, but I think you’re a good guy! Plus, I just simply like being around you. I’ll buy, if you pick???? and, I kinda’ miss your foots, too. (inside joke...tellya later)
I think it's cute, but now my roommate says to stay dark. Before he told me to call him to arrange a night to talk. Go figure. My mother thought it was light. I'm going crazy.
In a lot of pain tonight, over what happened with H last night, (tell ya later). But, if this is your H you are talking about, I agree with your roommate to stay dark. (sorry).
Did I embarrass you, or hurt your feelings? Please tell me I did not step into something that was none of my business? I really didn't mean to and I will never do it again. I'm really sorry if I hurt you.
Hi Poet, Don't worry. I'm ok. Thank you for being caring and sensitive. I'm not upset or hurt. No worries. I'm good.
I like to use this site to journal. I enjoy getting my thoughts and feelings out to clear my head. Like everyone, I have good feelings and bad feelings. I use this site to monitor my feelings and patterns I might have. This site is a safe place for me to do that. I also know that there are empathetic people who really care and understand what we all are going through--new pain or old pain.
Here, I write my goals and my achievements. I write about my fears. I write about my worries and doubts. I celebrate here. I express my gratitude for everyone...on and on. I like it.
So don't worry; I'm not hurt. I'm good. I just miss my husband. Sometimes, I miss him a lot...alot and sometimes, I just miss him. (shrugging shoulders) When my world gets out of balance that's when I miss him a lot...a lot.
As terrible as our H's made us feel, we will come through the other side being stronger, wiser, & better. I promise you.
Gosh, I was so glad to see your post. Thank you for writing back. I was so hopeful when I saw this thread had gone off the radar screen because if you ever get a chance to read some of my old threads, I've been beaten up by some of the members here, and I'm very much afraid to post. It was nice when nobody saw my name up there in the posting section. Do you know how that happened? Can we get it back that way?
Anyway, I originally came to this thread to talk to Laurie, but I don't think she posts here anymore. Then I met you, and I love the way you handled your H.
I don't talk to my H anymore unless I call him, and that's usually only once or twice a month. We've been separated since May. We both have attys but I'm thinking strongly about dropping mine soon because she's charged me over $3,000 dollars so far and H hasn't even filed for D yet. He did send his FA last week, and I'm going to see my Atty today to talk about his and mine.
I'm afraid. I really don't know how to proceed from here. What I mean is, I don't know what to do to DB. I know slowing down the process is the way to go, but I'm not sure how to do that anymore since the FA's are about to go into play. I think H wants a "settlement conference" but he cancelled that meeting three weeks ago so his atty could make major (and I mean major) changes to his FA.
He now claims to only make 2/3 of what he made in 2007. I guess that means I won't be getting any alimony unless I get laid off, which is also a very good possibility. I'm thinking of asking to be laid off now too.
He wants the house, says I "don't deserve it." He's been pretty nasty through this whole thing, but then again, he probably claims the same thing about me.
OH, I've got to go get ready to leave.
BTW, I do love my H .... alot, but I think I fell in love with a different man. Monday is my birthday. When I called him on Monday, after an awful weekend when he wouldn't even answer the phone, I asked him if he was going to ignore again this birthday weekend, and he said, "I might." That was mean, and it hurt me terrible. I then asked him if he's seeing anyone and he said "No, I have to go now. Goodbye." And then he hung up on me. (Par for the course). He always hurts me and says he's not being cruel to me, that he's just not going to be talking to me all the time. I think he refuesed to talk to me this weekend for two reasons. He was talking to her (OW) and because it was Valentine's Day and he wanted to drive home the point.
I think he wants the house, which I'm living in and he's paying the utility bills for. I think he's doing that on purpose so the judge sees him as the paying owner and not me.
Anyway, just rambling now. It has been very hard for me to write though. So, this -- today -- is really good!
Hi Poet, I'm not sure what was the reason why your husband decided to leave?
When they leave, I know that they want to be able to justify their reason for leaving. I also know that they look for reasons to alleviate their guilt for leaving. I know that they want to be angry because that way they don't have to feel guilty or bad about their actions.
My suggestion is to try to stay away from him. It is difficult; believe me. Maybe you should try 'to go off the radar screen', be unavailable, be mysterious. 'Act as if' you don't expect him to call you. Don't look for him. Let him wonder.
He needs time to be alone with his feelings. 'Act as if' you don't care anymore (even if you do). Try it. Try not calling him.
You need time to work on yourself and strengthen your self-esteem. I'm not sure about the legal aspect. You can look at it from a few angles. What would happen if you fought him for the house? AND What would happen if you didn't fight at all? AND What would happen if you agreed to sell the house? What would be the best way to help lead your H back to you? These are all questions that you have to ask yourself, a counselor, and an attorney.
I chose not to fight. Fighting wasn't worth it to me. I'm usually very patient, but sometimes, I just want to 'push' things a little faster in my direction. Oh! My H also was very insensitive, angry, and flatlined when he did 'have' to talk to me in the 1-1/2 years that he didn't speak to me. Now...he calls me every 2-ish weeks just to know how I am, and he tells me that it's good to hear my voice. So....it's nutty.
I know that one minute you hate him, but you also love him. It's normal and ok. It's ok to be angry at him and love him at the same time. Just keep your 'responses' and your 'reactions' separate. What I mean is 'feel' it just don't 'act' on it. Try to settle in. Expect him to be distant for awhile. Try to 'act as if' you want to be distant, too.
Anyway, I have to go to sleep because I have to be up early in the AM.
Hi L: I took a risk...it's not a great feeling this time.
Goals:
1.) take risk 2.) be lighthearted 3.) mirror A
Week's Goal:
1.) Call A 2.) Be lighthearted 3.) ask to meet at work
Outcome: 1.) Didn't have the nerve to call 2.) Started with txt a.) Lighthearted, hey, I'll be in the area. I'd love to stop by to see you. 3.) A returned txt a.) I'll be at work til 5. You can stop by, but I'm going out after work. 4.) His response 'killed' me. My thoughts started to charge. a.) This is too much for him, he has a date, he is setting the boundaries, he's afraid that I will take control and want something from him. 5.) Remembering lighthearted...I called...Hi, no biggie, just will be in the area, it will be good to see you, short & sweet, he seemed pre-occupied & busy. His voice was a little distant (not really happy). a.) my heart sank when I heard it 6.) touched base a little (remembered that it was good for him to hear my voice...up!)....I wasn't that good, just ok. I was nervous. I hate myself!!! 7.) we made plans 8.) after...like a dope...I txt him to tell him that I'd probably be by earlier in the day rather than later. a.) I felt like I wanted to grab him back to me. I hate this!
Reaction to Risk!
1.) Feeling that needs aren't met. 2.) Feeling sad 3.) Feeling nervous 4.) Wanting to talk to him about 'us'...no good! 5.) Remembering short term goals. 6.) Thinking of 'Ocean', 'Breezes', 'light dancing on water', 'sound of waves', 'feeling of warm sand', 'feeling of nice warm dry day at the beach', 'faint smell of salt in the air', 'sound of seagulls in the distance'...'remembering the A's happy face when moving toward me to embrace me'.
7.) deep breath, this is a step to get me to my ultimate goal...it will be good and I'm ok. 8.) God loves me, parents love me, people love me, I'm good at what I do, L loves me, too...I'm loving, giving, patient, kind, patient...I can do this!
I couldn't help but notice your post, jojo. I'm sorry you feel so down. I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help at this time either because I just got a VM from my H. Was hoping for some input from you and L.
First, I liked your last post to me. THANK you.
VM said: "I spoke to my atty yesterday and she said you are no longer represented by your atty. (This is true - as of yesterday).
He said: "My atty wants to know what to do. If you're going to be agreeable and reasonable and sensible, etc., etc. that we (you, me and my atty) can sit down and have a settlement conference, but if not, then I'll just go ahead and file for D."
He said he wanted me to call his atty either this weekend or on Monday, which is my Bday! I'm thinking that he's been very insensitive about the timing and doesn't care about my feelings one way or another. Oh, and one more thing....he never gave me his atty's phone number. Don't know what to do.
Hi Poet, I know what you mean by tidalwave. I'm sorry. I think that you need someone to be with you to support you while you are going through this. Can you get another attorney? Do you have a relative? Do you have a friend who can be beside you? Do you belong to a church? What do you want or not want to happen and how can you protect yourself or get yourself to that point?
Hi...I think I'm comfortable playing it safe. My biggest fear is hearing A's voice empty. I really believe that he likes total control. I really believe total darkness is the best way. When he calls, maybe the 'I'm not available' game is the best way. I'll see his reaction tomorrow.
I did like the way he told the person in his office that he was on the phone and it was 'important'...the customer in the waiting room can wait a minute!
I analyse too much...I drive myself crazy. I'm going to try it tomorrow. Act as if...Be lighthearted...mirror...easy breezy...
I do know that I am happy to have a great guy for a roommate. We are good friends. I love my parents. I am so thankful that they are feeling better. My Dad is doing so much better. My Mother is feeling better, seeing a little better, and getting around more. I am so happy that they have been strong enough to help me this week with my house disaster. I wish that they knew how much I appreciate them. I love them both. I am fortunate to have them both. I still miss my husband.
Tomorrow will be a test. I was wondering. When I feel safe and comfortable, maybe A feels anxious and needs to retreat to feel comfortable. When he retreats to feel safe and gain a sense of control, I feel threatened and anxious.
