Hi, I have never posted on a message board before and can't believe that my first (well second now!) experience is gonna be under these circumstances! I originally posted this on the Walk Away Spouse thread but have recieved advice that I should maybe post on this thread instead as I may get more response.
I have been with my wife for 11 years, we have been married for seven years and have a daughter who is nine.
I am in complete shock as I have always loved my wife dearly and thought our marriage was pretty good and solid and I was very happy, yeah, we had our moments as all marriages do but these were few and far between and normally short lived. My wife now seems to be focusing on these bad moments only and can see no good in our marriage at all or not an ounce of good in me.
It all started towards the end of October when my wife suddenly announced that she was not sure if she loved me, we lived as normally as is possible for the next 3 or 4 weeks when she then announced that she thought a short break would help, just a few days she said, and I moved into my parents for a week. I returned home and she said that she was still unsure and said that we should carry on as best we could to see us all through christmas and then we would try and sort things out in the new year. When the new year came she turned into a different person and defiantly announced that it was over and we should split, I asked "what about trying in the new year" and she said she didn't want to.
It was decided (not by me) that I should move back to my parents for a while to give her time and space to sort her head out and I reluctantly agreed. During my time at my parents (3 weeks) she would contact me and tell me that nothing had changed and it was over. My wifes insistance that our marriage was over and that she didn't want to try led me to move back home about 2 weeks ago as i thought what is the point in being away if its not doing any good. My wife is now talking about divorce and getting her own place for her and my daughter. She truly believes that she is doing the best thing for her and our daughter but can’t see the affect its having on our daughter.
My wife has quoted her reasons why she feels this way, and although I can see some of what she’s getting at, her reasons don’t seem bad enough to destroy our marriage. The things she has said are things that can change quite easily, but she won’t believe that change can happen and just says she cant change who i am and is therefore unwilling to give it a go. I've stressed to her that the only person who can change me is me and i want to see these changes through to make me a better person and give our relationship a chance but she wont listen. It seems as if any person dare say something that she doesn't want to hear she will cut them out of her life.
My wife is definately not my wife at the moment and has become a different person, not a very nice person I add, but because I love her so much I can see through this and want to stick it out until she returns.
She has said so many hurtful and painful things recently but they are like water off a ducks back to me and they dont have the affect she desires. Over the last week she has become violent and attacked me several times, but again this is not her as nothing like this has ever happened in the last 11 years.
Do you think there's someone else? She's certainly displaying ALL the signs. Have you looked into the possibility?
If your wife attacks you again, please CALL THE POLICE. If nothing else, you'll have it on record in case you decide to fight for custody of your daughter.
Also, if you haven't already done so, you should see a good family law attorney -- preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues. They'll usually do an initial consultation for free, but since your wife is acting all fogged out and threatening divorce, you should at least know what your options and rights are.
I know your sitch because i went through similar circumstances. Is there someone else? Prepare yourself, because it sure sounds like there is.
Also, if she's the one that's unhappy, why are you leaving? Stay in the house. If she wants to acknowledge the matrimonial bond and address the issues at hand, she's welcome to stay. If she's going to be obstinate and simply say it's over, then she can leave. Might seem harsh, but that's the reality of the situation - you are there wanting to salvage the marriage and she isn't addressing anything.
And, as puppy says, do something about the physical attacks!
One of the first things lawyers ask (especially of women) is if they're threatened by physical abuse and/or harm. If she attacks you, you call the police.
Treat her like a cat. Let her come to you.
In the meantime, spend time with your daughter. She misses her daddy. Focus on the positive, on renewing you. Marriages don't get to this point without having a slow continuous slide. When she vents, just listen, don't talk. Do the "I can see how you feel that way." even if you get defensive. She wants to be heard.. listen... just listen.
You'll find lots of folks here read read read... Hold onto your N.U.T.S is a guy favorite, along with Divorce Remedy, The Four Agreements, His Needs Her Needs, The Five Love Languages. Ready2Change compiled a list of books he's found helpful:
Nerfus, glad you found your way in to the Newcomers section. I've just actually replied to your thread in the WAS section. I'll just copy and paste it below to save you going back to try and find it:
Good Morning Nerfus. Hope you're getting on ok today? I was just wondering, when you say your DB book is having to come from the US, where are you? If you're in the UK, you can get MWD's books from Amazon. That's where I got my copy of DR. I haven't read Divorce Busting because from what I understand, Divorce Remedy is an updated version. That's why I read that one.
Does your W have any right to kick you out of your marital home? If you are in the UK I would doubt it. Whatever you do, don't give in and leave willingly. Your W was dead right when she said that because she's the one who wants to leave, she should be the one to move out. Don't be a doormat for her to walk all over. Also, she can't get a divorce before 2 years unless there's adultery or unreasonable behaviour involved. Both have to be proved to a court. You've indicated neither of those within your post. Even at 2 years, you have to consent to the divorce. If you don't consent to the D after 2 years, your W will have to wait 5 years until she can get the D without consent. That's English and Welsh law anyway. Scotland is less time but the same kind of ideas.
Try to keep a positive mental attitude (PMA) Nerfus. I know it's really hard but I'm talking from experience when I say that it does get easier. I'm only slightly further down the road than you. Possibly because I found this site before you did. Every day I feel better about myself and being here to vent my frustrations helps immensely. I still have my bad days but on the whole, these are getting less. Good luck.
Kev
I'll also add from reading your replies on here so far that although your W may very well have someone else, that's definitely not always the case. Just bear that in mind. My W never had anyone else yet she pretty much gave me the same talk at the same time as you got yours. She's not been abusive as you say your W has but other than that it all sounds very similar.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Thanks for that guys it really helps to know that there are people around who are willing to offer me the support I need. I've got my family and mates obviously and I am constantly talking thier ears off but at times I feel that they don't really know how I am feeling in this whole sitution and I sometimes get the feeling that thier just fed up of me talking about it. It's helpful knowing that I'm not alone in this and can talk to people who are in a similar situation.
On the violence side of things I gotta admit that I have been told by several people now that I gotta call the police if it happens again, my mom actually told me after the first instance that I should do it but I dont know it just doesn't seem right. It's happened twice since and I've let her off, if it happens again, which I think it probably will, I'll be truthful I just don't know if I could. I really don't know if this is true, but I've been told that here in the UK it's standard police policy that they will always take the male away - even if it's the woman hitting the guy and its the guy who phoned to report it they will still take him away to try and defuse things. As I say don't know if thats true but one of my mates said he heard a phone in on the radio the other day and thats what they said.
Someone else??? If I'm truthful I really don't think there is. That could just be me being naive (if thats how you spell it)I don't know, I just can't see when she'd be seeing this possible other guy as she doesn't go out all that much and if she does she takes our daughter with her. I admit that this thought has crossed my mind many a time but when she tells me that theres nobody else I do believe her. She used to talk to one of my mates a fair bit when this all started in the hope that she could get him to make me understand that it's over and he's also 99% certain that theres nobody else. She's often said that if there was it would probably make things easier to explain.
On the subject of me living in my house I can categorically state that I ain’t going anywhere voluntarily again! I moved back in almost 3 weeks ago now and feel totally at home and if anything it’s the wife who’s skulking around feeling uncomfortable. Before I went to my parents I’d spent the previous 6/7 weeks sleeping on the sofa but when I came home I insisted that I was going back in the bed and she’s now sleeping on a blow up bed in our daughters room. She had a situation whereby they’d alternate between the bed and the blow up bed but my daughters effectively told her to sod off now and insisted that she’s gonna sleep in her own bed every night. She’s told her mom that theres a perfectly good bed in mom and dads room and if mom don’t want to sleep in it that’s her own fault! I’ve told my wife that I’m not stopping her from sleeping in our bed and have assured her that if we were to share the bed again I would not touch her but she’s having none of it. I’m being truthful there as well, if we were in the same bed I definitely wouldn’t try it on for fear she’s got a knife under the pillow lol!
I’m not sure what the laws are here in the UK as to whether or not she can get me removed so I’m gonna try to arrange a meeting with a solicitor as soon as I can just so that I know where I stand.
If the worst comes to the worst and she does see this through then yeah I am going for custody. My daughter said to me weeks ago that the way she see’s it is that we’ve got 2 options i) 1 person happy (mom) and 2 people unhappy (us) or ii) 2 people happy (us) and 1 person unhappy (mom). It may well be the philosophy of a child but kids see things as they are and its either black or white! My daughter blames her mom for the whole situation as she knows that I want the same thing as her which is us all together as a happy family again and she’s knows that it is her mom who is the one stopping all of that from happening. My daughters also said that she thinks she would be happier living with me as opposed to her mom as we’ve always had a very strong bond and it’s always me that spends more quality time with her having fun and playing games. She’s the typical daddy’s girl I’ve gotta admit! My wifes trying to change this now and is spending more time with our daughter but our daughter see’s straight through it, doesn’t think it will last and tells me she thinks mom’s only doing it so that she agrees to live with her. Reasons enough for me I think.
Oh dear, just noticed the clock and it’s after 2 am (again!) so gonna have to call it a night I think and try to get some sleep.
Really glad I found this place and will probably be spending a fair amount of time on here I reckon.
One last thing, in answer to your question Kev yeah I am in the UK and I live in Birmingham.
I am quite close to you as I am near Milton Keynes!!!!!
If YOU put in the call to the police because the violence is towards you then it would be your W that is removed. The police only remove the violent S for a short while generally,whilst things calm down, and then the violent S generelly has access back to the marital home.
In the UK it is VERY hard to get one S or the other removed, so stick to your guns and stay there. One of the main reasons for staying is that you may lose some of your right to ownership of the property if you move out and you may be seen to have abandoned it and some of your responsibilities.
Over here, (in the UK), they are starting to take violence against men much more seriously than they used to.
Even if you don't call the police you need to keep a diary and document everything.
Avoid going to RELATE if you are looking for marital advice as they tend to just go straight towards helping you split up rather than mend the M.
It does sound quite like your W may have become involved to some extent with someone else and it may be woth trying to install some sort of key logger on your PC. Puppy is the person on here to ask about that.
I shall check back up on you later.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sorry you are here, but glad you found your way here. This site is a great source of wisdom and support, as well as a place to vent frustrations and get perspective.
My W has the notion that "behaviors can change, but fundamentally people can't change", sounds like your W subscribes to the same philosophy.
People change, feelings change - they have once they can again - just continue to take the high road and pray that your W comes to her senses.
I'm afraid to say that she's just hit me again, 4 slaps to the back of the head, and I just couldn't bring myself to phone the police. I did pick up the phone and dial the number but she knew exactly what I was planning on doing and the shear look of fear and realisation on her face made me stop.
I just don't know what to do anymore as even my family and closest friends are now telling me to just forget it and give up on everything. I don't want to cos despite everything I still love my wife very much and want us to have a future together, yeah she's said a hell of a lot of things to try and hurt me lately but these things are not having the effect she desires and I still love her and want us to build on our relationship.
She just isn't herself at the moment. I can see that and so can many other people but she thinks she's acting perfectly normal. I made our daughter a meal earlier as my wife was in bed suffering with a hangover, my wife came down saw what I was doing and went absolutely ballistic - paranoia set in with her and she said the only reason I was doing this was to score points and try to prove that she was an unfit mother who couldn't look after her daughter - excuse me but my daughter told me she was hungry, I thought my wife was asleep and therefore made her something to eat! Wheres the problem and why start?
My wife often reacts in this way to every single thing I do as she believes I have some master plan of some description to try and take everything away from her! If I'm honest, yeah maybe I do have a master plan and that is to try and resolve our differences, repair our marriage and let us become a happy family again! I am just trying to act as normally as possible and get on with things, if something needs doing I'll do it.
Trying to act as cool as possible at the moment and just not talk about whats going on but its just so hard to do especially when she's trying to wind me up all the time and provoke some form of reaction from me, gotta admit that I'm sat here now dying to go upstairs and try to reason with her some more but I know I shouldn't and hopefully I won't! It's just that she won't listen to anything I or anybody else says if it doesn't fit in with her way of thinking and that's what drives me mad.
The only way to describe her is Jekyll & Hyde, I genuinely don't know which one I'm gonna get when I wake up each morning. Her personallity and mind changes like the wind! Not too sure what her plans are as I've been told 3 different things from 3 different people in about the last hour! i) She told me that she's gonna screw me for everything and get the courts to kick me out, ii) she told my mom that she's thinking of moving away, iii) she's told a mutual friend that she's looking for somewhere local so as to cause as little disruption to our daughter as possible.
I wish there was something I could say or do that would make her realise what she's doing is not in anybodys best interests but I know there isn't and that I just have to weather the storm and hope we both manage to come out of this still together.
Just gotta hang in there I suppose and never give up. I know it's worth the fight I've just gotta hope she starts to see this as well!
Nerfus, I'm so sorry to hear that your W has hit you again. I'm not sure about the whole domestic violence thing as I've never experienced it first hand. I'm not sure how calling the police will help your sitch but on the other hand, you don't want it to get any worse.
I can relate to what your family and close friends are telling you. Mine are basically telling me the same thing. What I've done is told them that I am going to be working on my M and I want their support but their negative views of my W and my sitch are not supportive. Basically, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
I wouldn't worry too much about her trying to kick you out. I'm fairly sure she won't be able to get any grounds to do that. I would definitely go see a solicitor if I were you though. The first session is normally free. When I went it put my mind at rest. My W and I are still fairly amicable with our separation though.
The way you're describing your W suggests to me that she's having some kind of mental issues. I'm not sure what you can do though if she won't even admit that she's got a problem.
Try to keep your cool as much as you can mate. We're here because we love our W's and want them back. Keep on posting and you'll get a lot of good advice from people who have been here for a while. We'll all get through this somehow. Good luck.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
